No f word allowed in my house!

Those of you with toddlers can relate to the repeat everything they hear phase of development. For some reason Eric Erickson's stages of development skipped this stage. And all the mommy blogs, parenting books and the "what to expect..." series didn't prepare me for the  parroting stage toddlers go through. It's that moment you are driving in the car talking to your spouse and you start to hear an echo in the back seat. When your toddler finds their voice and repeats everything they hear is when you as the adult are reminded how important it is to watch what you say around your precious tot. Mothers have a huge responsibility to set an example of Christ to their children.

I was talking to a group of teen girls recently and shares with them that we don't use the f word in our home. They started to laugh...no not that f word I said. We don't say the f-a-t f word (we don't use the other f word either, just to be clear). I started to explain to them the importance of viewing our bodies as a beautiful creation of God. We are fearfully and wonderfully made and I can't imagine how God feels when He hears us talk negativly about the masterpiece He created.

When I found out I was pregnant with a girl I knew that I would be her first and best example of womanhood. As women we are all too often overly critical of ourselves and of the body that God created. Whether we intend to send the wrong message or not we must be cautious around the little ears in the back seat. If I describe myself negatively my echo toddler will think that it ok. She will see mama saying those things, hear me comparing my body to others and think that's how she should think and be.Yikes!

I know all too well the importance of exercise and eating healthy as I'm not at that point in life when I realize I'm getting older and my body isn't as youthful as it once was. Funny how that happens. I was talking with some friends the other day and we joked about how if only we could have our college bodies back we would be skinny. We joked that at the time in college we thought we were so fat and now we would trade our "more mature" bodies for that college girl physique. Funny how life has a way of changing our perspective.

I have found myself at times throughout my life being very critical of my body. We are always our worst critics. But while I was pregnant, and reached the highest number on the scale my eyes had ever seen, I became more intentional about how I talked about my body. After all my body was carrying another body...how cool is that?! God's design was amazing. My body was carrying my miracle baby and after experiencing moments when God is silent the moments of being pregnant were incredible. Of course, those of you who have given birth know the days, weeks, and months after having a baby are not always so incredible.

The days of being up all night holding a crying baby are thankfully over and my miracle baby now toddler if sleeping through the night. But those conversations with God while nursing my baby or rocking her back to sleep spoke life changing messages to this weary mama. It was in those moments that I made the conscious decision to stop using the f word. I remember telling my hubby that we wouldn't be using the f word in describing ourselves or the bodies of others and we would never use it around Addyson. I wanted Addyson to hear us talking about the bodies God created with respect and pride in His handiwork.  Now we aren't immune to the world's messages that thin is beautiful and the airbrushed, photo shopped images we see everywhere still cause me to cringe thinking about my not so skinny booty trying to get into "skinny jeans". Yes, I still think that I am f-a-t from time to time, but the commitment I have made to not using the f word causes me to break the negative self talk and return my attention to the beautiful creation that I am, the one God created.

My hopes and dreams for Addyson is to grow up knowing that she is fearfully and wonderfully made my her creator God. I want her to see parents who love her, love each other, love themselves and most importantly love God. Part of loving myself involves taking care of this body that God created, this may be the one area that this OCD mama isn't going to obsess over. Ultimately I know that I am a beautiful masterpiece of God's creation and I plan to model that thinking for Addyson. So if you spend time with my family, especially my miracle baby remember the f word isn't allowed in my house!

Live fully present in the moment!

 

A letter to parents of children with OCD

Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all thank you for loving me. Thank you for being parents who cared. Thank you for caring enough to know when your love alone would not pull me from the dark place I was in. Thank you for rejoicing with me as I walked out of the darkness and into the light.

Mom and Dad, I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that my OCD is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it and there is nothing you could have done to change it. You loved me through it, but your love alone couldn't fix it. You knew when I needed more than your love and you took me to get help. 

Mom and Dad, thank you for teaching me that I am a child of God and that He doesn't make mistakes. My OCD isn't a mistake and God knew exactly what He was doing when he created me. Thank you for showing me God's love. You knew that you couldn't pray away my OCD but you prayed for a way for God to  use me, His child and He is! Thank you for praying.

Mom and Dad, you held me close before every overnight trip away from my safe place of home. You even came and picked me up when the sleepover wasn't over yet because I wanted to come home. As a teenager you sat with me and heard me cry about being afraid I would get sick and you helped me make a plan of what to do if I did. You told me I wouldn't get sick and even though I didn't believe you, it helped me leave and discover new things. You even exposed me to another country before I even knew what OCD was and it was there that I learned that God is wherever I am and He will never leave me. 

Dad, when I was a kid you came in with a big trash bag and helped me clean my room of all my stuff and that taught me that sometimes I need a clean slate, a do over and that fresh starts are okay. Most importantly Dad, you are the one who told me that I have to be fully present in the moment if I ever want to be happy.

Mom, you are the one who would wipe me tears when I cried about no one ever loving me let alone asking me out on a date. I know it's your job to tell me I'm beautiful but thanks for saying it again and again. 

Mom and Dad, thanks for coming to my first apartment, packing it all up and moving it when the thought of another change was too overwhelming. Thank you for saying you would help and actually being there to help. Thank you for coming over to my new place and opening the blinds to let the light in. Thank you for not letting it be an option to stay home alone even though I wanted to. Thank you for the countless meals out after long days at work. Thank you for laughing with me, at me, and helping me learn to laugh at myself. Thank you for encouraging me to take medicine and making it not a big deal.  Thank you for asking me periodically  if I'm still taking it and if it is working. Thank you for gently yet firmly telling me when you think I need to go talk to a counselor because talking to you isn't enough to get me back on track. Thank you for walking beside me when for every step forward I took there were times I took two steps backwards. You never left my side and I'm so grateful. Mom and Dad, it's okay to tell me to snap out of it every once in a while but thank you for knowing it's not that easy and being patient when I couldn't just snap out of it.

Mom and Dad, thank you for not being shocked, mad, disappointed or blaming me for my OCD. Thank you for loving me,encouraging  me, crying with me, and praying for me.Thank you for the laughter that filled our home and the genuiness that you always show. Thank you for not letting me marry that one guy, you know, the one who didn't understand my uniqueness. Thank you for telling my hubby-to-be that family was important and that when he married me he got all that came with it...family that sticks together. Thank you for being active in my life even though I'm married and have a daughter of my own. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone.

Most of all Mom and Dad, thank you for showing me what it means to be fully present in the moment. I love you!

Your daughter with OCD.

Counting, Crying and Curious George

I found myself counting steps this week. Counting is a comfort yet when I find myself having to count steps again I get a little worried. I don't like this OCD part of me because it distracts me and makes me feel like I'm taking steps backwards in my progress. I think that stress and changes to my schedule really led to the need to count. This week was spring break for Trevecca, so I didn't have class to teach. The extra sleep was a welcomed change but any disruption to my routine causes me to slip into OCD patterns of behavior. Funny how the brain works. As much as I love teaching, I also love a little extra sleep. Yet as a creature of habit, like most, my body still woke up at the time my alarm goes off to teach. 

The counting krept back into my world Monday and I didn't notice it was a problem till Wednesday when I was walking up stairs with a friend and was so distracted by counting I couldn't fully engage in the conversation with my friend. Sometimes the things we dislike about ourselves are the very things God uses to reach others. 

Some famous people with OCD include Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Churchill, David Beecham, and Cameron Diaz just to name a few. These people have done some pretty amazing things with their life. So I'm in good company I guess.

Monday I struggled with a day of busyness, extreme mommy guilt, another run in with the rude co worker and a trafficy commute. At the end of the day Monday I laid in bed with my hubby an had a cry fest. 

For Lent this year we decided as a couple to add something to our life instead of jumping on the lent bandwagon and giving something superficial up like many do. So we commited to reading a couples devotion each night together. The devotion Monday night was about servant love. We read the devotion and my cry fest began as I attempted to explain my struggle with not being able to stay home with addyson and cook dinner. My frustration and anger with my hubby having to get dinner ready, something I think is my job to do, and working a job that means I get home late led to endless tears. We talked through the options and talked about my expectations of what our roles should be and all that other stuff. My hubby has a way of knowing when to derail my crazy train. He looked at me and said, "let me love you by helping with dinner."

That was it, in that moment there was nothing else I could say. This isn't a post to show off how great my hubby is, although he would say he is pretty amazing. But to show that even in my worst moments of OCD or crazy cry fests there are people in my life that God has placed to remind me I'm not in this life alone.

The Lord also uses random things like Curious George to speak to me. I know, it's a stretch but that curious little monkey and the man with the yellow hat got my attention this week. One of the contributing factors leading to my cry fest is the stark reality that my "baby" is growing up. I hate that she doesn't need me as much as she used to. I hate that there will be a day that I won't need to carry her, or even be able to. I hate that in a couple years she will be in school all day and will have tons of other influences in her life. As much as I want her to stay little forever it's not reality and she is a curious little monkey like her buddy George. She seemingly has no fear, unlike her mommy who has enough fear to go around. 

One thing about the man with the yellow hat that hit me this week is that he knows how curious George is and yet he let's the monkey get into all kinds of obstacles which then become teachable moments. Isn't that how God is? He doesn't stop us from making mistakes but lovingly teaches us through the mistakes we make. He created us and knows us better than anyone.  I'm thankful that even in my counting, excessive hand washing, tears, and fears God looks at me lovingly and teaches me new things. The people He places in my life and the struggles I see as my weaknesses God is using.

So here is to living fully present in the moment today!

It Never Ends

The other morning after doing my fourth load of laundry while staring at a pile of towels still needing to be washed, I said out loud to myself "it never ends." It wasn't even 11 am and I had already navigated through a toddler temper tantrum, sweeping up cocoa krispies off my freshly washed kitchen floor and endless emails from work. The "it never ends" theme flooded my mind all morning.

So this blog post is long overdue because well...the job of a mom never ends. I kept thinking "it never ends"...  the following things came to mind...

-bills

-laundry

-temper tantrums

-stepping over toys that I just cleaned up

-people complaining about stupid things

-work emails

-deadlines

-keeping the house clean

-pressures of perfection

So many thoughts flooding my already overly tired mommy brain and The Lord quieted my heart, mind and body when my miracle baby, well now two year old, toddler said in her little voice "mama come here". I bent down and she turned my head away from her and whispered in my ear "love you mama". 

In that moment none of the mornings tasks, my endless to do list, the ever growing grocery list, the emails, the dirty floor and my need for perfection ceased. It was in that quiet moment of Addyson whispering in my ear that the Lords voice was so loud in my mind and I was reminded, "it never ends". Gods love for us is never ending. There is nothing I can do or not do that will stop God from loving me. Just like I love my daughter through temper tantrum and spills, God loves me, His daughter, through my anger, disbelief, and questions. God's love for me (and you!) never ends.

From that point forward my perspective has changed. Doing what seems like endless loads of laundry I am thankful for a washer and dryer. When addyson acts like the two year old she is, I love her through the tantrum, often holding her close or giving her space. Just like my God does for me. When I'm questioning how the money will last all month, choosing which bills are more of a priority to pay, I remember a time when there wasn't money coming in and I thank Him. When I find myself cooking spaghetti for dinner (my we have no food in the house last resort meal) I think about the month I spent doing disaster response in Iowa and eatting Red Cross meals out of a truck sitting besides people who had lost every earthly possession they owned. When the work emails overwhelm me I say a quiet thank you for God providing me with a job. And when the OCD thoughts rage inside me I worship through music or recitng scriptures.

Gods love, it never ends! This is the truth that is helping me be fully present in the moment this week.

Leftovers

I hate leftovers. I know some people love them and there are even the few that claim some leftover meals are better the next day. I disagree. I hate leftovers, always have and always will.

My parents left today after visiting and as I talked to my mom on her drive home I mentioned we were having leftovers for dinner. She said "oh you have lots of cheese and some hamburg meat in your frige you should make nachos for a quick meal." I started laughing and tried to dismiss it. Yet she insisted describing the yummy nachos I should make for dinner. I stopped her abruptly and said "please tell me you didn't eat any of that hamburg meat." I'm still laughing and she asked "why?" In between my laughing I said "this is embarrassing but that meat is leftover from New Year's Eve when we had friends over for a taco night." She gasped in true motherly fashion and I just laughed...the truth was out. My distain for leftovers and cleaning the frige was out. Then to my horror she said "I was going to give Addyson some of that meat, good thing I didn't." Yikes! I think the growing mold would have stopped her for sure.

I'm embarrassed to tell the world, or at least the handful of people that read my blog that I have leftovers from New Year's Eve in my refrigerator. Yes, this OCD germ freak has mysteroous science experimental mold growing in my fridge in the form of old taco meat. I just hate looking at leftover and usually end up throwing away the contents and container months after enjoying a meal.

This got me thinking about how guilty I am of only having leftovers to give. 

So often we give God our leftovers. At the end of a long day I struggle to do devotions and fall asleep while praying. We come to church after a long week expecting the music or sermon to "speak" to us and we bring God our leftovers. We don't come in a spirit of worship because we have spent all week living a life of worship , no all our energy has been spent on other things. Leftovers.

We do it in marriage. Giving attention to jobs, coworkers and kids and then have no energy for our spouse. I know I'm guilty...we often end the day laying on the couch hubby on his iPad and me on my iPhone too exhausted to do anything but aimlessly play online. Leftovers.

We do it at work. So exhausted from all the stuff we have to do and too overwhelmed from life that all we have to give is leftovers. I find myself trying to do too much or trying so hard to impress people that I have nothing left to give. Leftovers.

It even happens with our parenting. This one hits me hard and breaks my heart that I'm guilty of giving my miracle baby my leftovers. Somedays I'm so tired of teaching, working, and ministry that my energy is zapped. These are the times that she has to say "mama" over and over again to get my attention. Or when im not being intentional about spending time with her.... I hate when I catch myself looking at emails and Instagram while she asks me to play or have a picnic repeatedly all while looking up at me  and seeing me looking at my phone and not her. Ouch. Leftovers.

Way too often all I have left for myself is leftovers. Busyness becomes an excuse for not exercising. Money or lack there of is to blame for not eatting right. Failure to meal plan in advanced leads to eatting too many meals out and not around the dinner table at home as a family. Misguided priorities prevent me from healthy self-care and spending time in solitude. Mommy guilt is a huge barrier to having much needed "me time" or spending time with friends. All of the above leave me with leftovers.

Leftovers are gross. They smell and they are never as good as the original. They get moldy and sit stagnet for too long. 

 For almost 40 days now I have been studying with the Goodmorning Girls on being Intentionally Focused. It is has been a life changing way of studying the word. Each day there are scripture readings and a verse to write. I am using a planner as a journal to keep my study organized and as a prayer journal. We are using the SOAP method (scripture, observation, application, prayer) and it has made the Word come alive in a new way for me. I am excited to read each passage and spend quiet time with my God. 

The concept behind Good morning Girls is to have intentional quiet time with The Lord. It is an online bible study community of like minded women who are seeking The Lord. It has blessed me in many ways. This study has helped renew my focus and I am even more determined now to get rid of the leftovers in my life (and fridge) and be fully present in the moment!

Finding God in the "what's next"?

Im totally thrown off today. I feel like a giant mess. Not as much on the outside as I feel inside. My mind is racing and my thoughts are jumbled. I'm feeling this way because addysons MDO was closed today due to a snow day and it has thrown off my Wednesday routine big time. On the plus side I got to spend extra time with my miracle baby and enjoyed snuggling on the couch after I taught this morning. I'm also grateful for a boss who understands mommy and ministry stuff and let me come in late.  

The disruption in my regular routine brings on the comfort of counting that comes with the ugly and unwelcome OCD monster that resides in the hallways of my mind. Like an unwanted houseguest the monster of OCD invades my space. 

Why do I count? Why can't i stop it when it first starts instead of letting it paralyze me? My counselor once told me this is how my brain was designed. I was created this way and it's not a sign of weakness and it's no ones fault. In moments like this I have to remind myself that this is how God created my brain. There are positive aspects of having OCD, yet there are also mornings like today that one blip in the schedule throws me into a dark place.

I found myself counting as I was driving downtown to meet my hubs who is picking up addyson so I can go to work. Counting lights, finding favorite numbers on license plates, counting the construction workers...and so on. God brought me back to present and with addyson asleep in the back seat I felt His presence. 

The past couple days I have encountered moments of asking, saying or thinking "God, what's next"? 

Sometimes when things seem like they can't get much worse we ask or say "God, what's next?!" Sometimes we ask it when we aren't sure or have a decision to make. I'm finding myself asking God what's next for me? How do you want me to serve you better? Who do I need to encourage? What ministry do I need to start or be a part of? How can I support my husband better? What does my church need? What's the next parenting hurdle I need to overcome? What else could go wrong? How can I know you more? 

The questions drown out the counting and the counting leads to more questions yet as we drove, my sleeping baby and I, it was as if The Lord  shouted "stop, be still my child and stop asking what's next. Be still and listen." As I sat at the light at Wedgwood and 21st The Lord got my attention in a way that nothing else has. And so I will stop, I will be still and I will listen.

Fully present in the moment...

Ten Things Every Mom Needs to Know

While I should be prepping my for class tomorrow I fell into the youtube trap and came across this Kid President video. So here is my list of the Ten Things Every Mom Needs to Know...according to me.



1.) You are doing a great job! If more people told moms this, then more moms would be more confident in their mom-ability.



2.) The phone number for the neearest pizza delivery. Better yet...put it on speed dial and don't feel guilty for ordering take out every once in a while.



3.) It's okay to ask your mother for advice. She has way more mothering experience than you and just because you ask doesn't mean you have to do it her way. ometimes you just need to get another perspective.



4.) You are the perfect mom for your child. You may not be a perfect mom, no one is, but you are the perfect mom for your child and you are an expert when it comes to your baby. Don't ever let anyone make you feel differently.



5.) You set the tone in your home. Everyone feeds off of you so if you are having a bad day chances are the people around you are too. Sometimes our kids aren't the only ones who need a nap!



6.) It is important to have alone time. Even it's just two minutes while you pee. We all need to have quiet time alone in solitude. For me, we are in the throws of toddlerhood and trying to teach Addyson about privacy. At this point she just wants to be with me in the bathroom so she can wash her hands and play in the sink. It is important for our children to see us model the importance of solitude and privacy.



7.) Mommy guilt is toxic. This is a tough one for me as I balance working outside the home, teaching as an adjunct, balancing mommy hood and being involved with my hubby in youth ministry. I often feel guilty about not having a clean enough house, having to have my hubby help cook dinner and so much more. The truth is we weren't designed to do it all alone. It's okay to let people help you. It's time to stop feeling guilty, period!



8.) Money doesn't buy happiness. Your child will live if they don't get a toy everytime they go to the store!



9.) The power of a few close friends. When I was younger I wanted to have tons of friends, but the older I get the more I realize the importance of having a few close friends that I can be real, authentic and vulnerable with. Fellow mommies who have been there, are there, or will be there are vital. It is really valuable to have a mommy friend that has kids older than your own, someone to look up to. But it is equally important to have a mommy friend who has a child younger than yours. Someone you can help on the journey. It feels good knowing that I have a friend who can answer my questions and it also feels good to be the mom to answer a newer moms questions.



10.) Go with your gut. I once heard it called Momsense. The common sense gut feeling that moms have is crucial. It's the gut feeling moms get which urges us to grab a towel and bag right before your kid pukes. It's the not right feeling you have about that aparment complex you toured later to find out it was crawling with people who were registered sex offenders. It's the unexplainable urge to pray for someone. The Lord gives us an inate ability to know what to do and we must listen to that urge. This doesn't mean we will always know the right answer but we must be willing to follow our momsense and the Lord's nudgeing.



That's it folks...my top ten things every mom needs to know. Disclaimer: I've only been a mom for two years. I'm sure in ten years from now my list would look differently.



Now I must return to prepping for tomorrow's class and teaching about the oh so exciting topic of Verbal Following, Exploring and Focusing Skills...if only I could focus long enough to get it done. On second thought...maybe I just need a nap.



Living fully present in the moment!