When God is Silent

December 17th. Living with OCD I have always had an issue with numbers. Numbers and counting make the obsessive thoughts subside but fuel the compulsions. For example, I love even numbers but my favorite number is 5. I know it doesn't make sense. I'm always telling my hubby "don't try to figure it out just accept it". December 17 is one of those days/numbers that I hate.

The emotions that flood my mind and heart can't be ignored so I turn to the computer keys to process. In therapeutic fashion blogging is my release. When my alarm went of this morning, the image of standing in the parking garage clinging to my hubby, my rock, and feeling his body shake as the tears fell came flooding back. The worst had just been confirmed. Words like "impossible", "no explanation" , and "bad ovaries" echoed in my mind. Even though I had been told the year before I wouldn't be able to get pregnant I was in denial. It wasn't until December 17, 2010 that reality hit. The doctor didn't really understand why my body wouldn't be able to house a baby, but with fertility specialist appointment card in hand we left the hospital. We stood there cars parked all around us and cried holding each other. I don't remember the drive home or even the hours that followed. 

That night I was supposed to go to celebrate a friends birthday by going to a mandisa concert. Andy encouraged me to still go. I had no strength to even get out of bed much less celebrate a birthday with a concert. Before meeting up with friends, our church secretary met us in the parking lot and with tsunami like waves the news spilled out. Through sobs I shared the news and she held me. We cried together and then reapplied our makeup and went to join the festivities.

That night Johnny Diaz opened the concert and sang a song called "Waiting Room". The tears fell again and the words hit like an arrow to my broken heart. 

Here in this waiting room

Yearning for You to say go
And though I'm convinced that a yes would be best
This time You're telling me no

It's not that you don't have an answer
It's just not the one that I'd like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You're always wiser than I

I wish I could say those song lyrics restored my hope, by the days that followed were filled with anger, questioning and sadness. I tried to pray and seek The Lord but all was silent. Have you ever felt like God was silent? It was as if the mute button was pushed and I couldn't hear anything. Not only did I not understand how this could be part of God's plan but I couldn't find the words to pray. How could a loving God not give me the thing I longed for most?

 It was a silent struggle, one Andy and I didn't share with many people. We each handled it in our own way. I turned to journaling to try to process it and read a book called "Silent God" in hopes of understanding why he was being, well...silent. Some days all I could say was the name of Jesus and yet in those moments it was okay. 

The important thing was knowing that even though I felt like God was silent his silence didn't mean He wasn't there. I often pictured him right there next to me crying along side me and even visualized Him passing the tissue box my way. 

The rest of the story? Andy and I found ourself in the same parking garage with a sonogram picture in hand. We were scheduled to meet with a specialist, and as procedure went, we had an untra sound to see what the "bad ovaries" looked like and the tech said "you're pregnant". " Nope I'm the one who can't get pregnant and thats why we are here" I replied. She showed me the screen and my babies heartbeat. The moments that followed were filled with joy, questioning and disbelief. We met with our doctor as she brought other doctors and nurses in to look at my chart. We were told there is no medical explanation for why/how we got pregnant. We told them "it's ok...we know it is a miracle". 

Whatever you are facing today, December 17, I pray that you would know that God is with you. Today on December 17, 2013, I am sitting on the couch with my precious miracle baby with the sound of Arthur in the background. 

If you are going through a time when you feel like God is silent...He hasn't abandoned you. He loves you and is big enough to handle your doubts, questions and yes, even anger. He is with you!

Today I'm remembering this day 3 years ago and thankful for what it represents. Today I am living fully present in the moment!