FYI: I'm not perfect!

I'm an imperfect person. There, I said it...I'm not perfect! I have faults and I mess up. But sometimes I'm reminded that its ok. Like last night when I caught a glimpse of heaven when I saw my girl praying during teen small group. Feet propped up on a ball, decked out in a princess dress and crown she reminded me that imperfect is okay.

Saturday morning I went into babies r us for a last minute baby shower gift for a friend. It was as if I walked into the Nashville pregnancy factory. I think just about every pregnant lady or new mom was in there all at the same time. It was a crazy sad moment when I stood in line to check out and realized I don't have a baby anymore. I made it to my car just before the tidal war of tears hit. I sat in my car sobbing. Sobbing because I'm not having another baby, but sobbing mostly because my baby is now a toddler and is growing up. The knowledge that she isn't as dependent on me as a newborn is on their mama brought me to tears. Ugly, sobbing, nose dripping tears. 

The truth is I don't know if I will ever get pregnant again, I haven't tried. I don't think I will try and that's okay. The sadness of that reality is one I think only a mother can understand. But after reflection and a teary trip trough the grocery store I realized I wasn't crying because I want to have a baby. I was crying because my baby isn't a baby anymore and each day she needs me a little less. I know, I know, a child always needs their mother but the reality of her growing up saddens me. 

This makes me want to not only cherish every moment with her but in a weird way it makes me want to be perfect. I want to be a perfect mom, a perfect wife, a perfect pastors wife (there's no such thing), and a perfect friend. My need for perfection often distracts me from my need to more importantly be a present mom, a present wife, a fully present friend...you get the idea.

So if you are reading this here is an FYI...I'm not perfect and neither is my blog. If you came in my house right now you would find toys in the living room, magnets all over my kitchen floor, dishes in the sink, and a left over pizza box on the counter. They are also signs of a restful weekend spent with family. If you read my blog you will find spelling and grammatical errors but The Lord knows I don't need another thing to obsess over so  please ignore them. They are evidence of an imperfect person being authentic.

I hope Addyson sees me as a real mom, inperfections and all. A mom who is fully present in the moment.

Extra Grace Required

We all have people in our lives who require a little extra grace.

 Like the student who came into class this morning 10 minutes before class was over and with tears in her eyes said "I overslept". Any other day it wouldn't have been a big deal but today was the first test. Poor thing was distraught and a little in shock when I replied by saying "it's ok, no worries,  take a minute to get yourself together and come back in 15 minutes and you can take the test." It was an Extra Grace Required moment and not really a big deal for me to stay after class and let her take the test. Extra Grace Requied.

This morning before I gave my students their test I told them I was going to take it too. They looked up at me in confusion. I explained that I would take the test with them and if I got any questions wrong and the majority of them did too, we would throw out the question and everyone would get the points. I think they thought I was kidding but I explained my goal is for them to learn how to be successful at helping hurting people not taking tests. Extra Grace Required.

Yes, we all encounter people who require a little extra dose of grace. Like the person in the 10 items or less check out who clearly has 27 items. Extra Grace Required.

It's the co worker who seems to have goal of making your life miserable. Her bad attitude and disrespect goes with out consequences. She literally makes you want to quit your job. Extra Grace Required.

Those moments when your toddler throws herself on the groud, kicking and screaming for no apparent reason. Then stands up and politely asks for raisins. Extra Grace Required.

But if I'm really honest, I'm an Extra Grace Required person. From time to time we all are. When the OCD monster rears it's ugly head, I require a little extra grace. 

Yup when I get out the label maker and go on a labeling rampage...Extra Grace Required. 

When I'm being a baby because I have really bad heartburn...Extra Grace Required. 

When I can't explain why i have to have my own blankets that no one else can touch...Extra Grace Required.

I'm learning to extend grace like I have been shown. Honestly I'm not completely sure why God continues to shower me with His grace and mercy, but I'm thankful for it. I'm thankful for a loving husband and daughter who show me grace on a daily basis despite my many faults and short comings. 

My challenge is to show and extend grace to everyone, even those who require a bit of extra grace today. I want to have Kingdom eyes that see beyond peoples shortcomings. I want to imitate Christ at all times. I want to show grace.

I'm loving fully present in the moment...even if it means Extra Grace Required.

His Name is Steve

This past year I have experienced a dream come true with becomming an adjunct professor for the Social Work Department at Trevecca. Today in class I began by sharing this song by Tenth Avenue North. The song begins with a prayer to God and then the second half is God's response. 

I shared today that the helping process of Social Work is sometimes messy, frustrating and challenging, but we aren't doing it alone. We must rely on God's strength to help others. 

 I love the words that are God's reply in the song: 

   "I hear You say, "My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between.  

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel. The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '

 The times you're broken. The times that you mend. 

The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend. 

 Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between. 

 These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks. 

 The times that you feel like you're falling from grace. 

 The times you're hurting. The times that you heal.

 The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal. 

The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.

 I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. 

 My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. 

 I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends." 

We went on with the lecture and I ended by sharing one of my pet peeves. It drives me crazy when people use lables when addressing or describing others. We do it all the time without even thinking about it. "She's ADHD" "He's skizophrenic", "They are bipolar", "He is diabled"...you get the idea. I shared with my students the importance of seeing our clients and people in general as people first. So instead of the describing people as their diability or diagnosis we must see the person first. I challenged my students to say "The person with ADHD", "The man who is skizophrenic" etc... and to remember they are a person first and foremost.

 I have been challenged with doing this myself and seeing the person first. So this morning after class I stopped for a quick breakfast and to pick up the Contributer (a newspaper published and sold by homeless or formerly homeless people living in Nashville) from my favorite vendor. I am so gratful for the ways the Lord has crossed our paths. I asked how he was feeling since he struggled with pneumonia a year ago.

 How many times do we drive by people, pass them in the grocery store line or even in the halls of church not really seeing them for the person God created them to be. We pass by and we don't even know their story. 

 As talked to homeless man selling the Contributer and the words of the song came back to me.

 God's love is over.It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between. The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel. The times that you question, 'Is this for real? ' The times you're broken. The times that you mend. The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend. Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between. These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you're falling from grace. The times you're hurting. The times that you heal. The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal. The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends. 

 Today I was overwhelmed with the responsiblity I have to share this kind of love with others who come into my life everyday.  

So I guess having this song is helping me to stay fully present in the moment. 

By the way...the homeless man...his name is Steve.

"Good Job Mama!"

We are in the throw of toddlerhood at our house. It is both a joy and frustration at times as we battle temper tantrums that dissapear as quickly as the came. 

I am blessed to have Tuesday and Thursday mornings at home with my favorite girl. We usually stay in our jammies as long as possible, watch a show on Netflix and always do a special activity for what I call Tot Time. This is a time for Addyson and I to play together with some kind of learning goal in mind. I like to think it's something she looks forward to, mostly because of the element of surprise, since the activities are different from her regular toys. 

 The other day we played with playdoh, sponges and magnet letters. My little bit was clearly done with Tot Time and in her hungry tantrum dumped all of the magnetic letters all over the kitchen floor. Of course I tried to make this a teachable moment and said "uh oh, lets clean them up together." I started putting them back in the container, not noticing Addyson has moved on to something else. Next thing I know I feel a little hand patting me on the back saying "Good job Mama!." My reply is of course something to the effect of "thank you, but we need to work together to clean up this mess." 

 It was of cute and adorably frustrating moment because let's admit as moms sometimes it it so much easier to just clean up toddler messes on our own. There are times when it is so much easier to do things myself without encouraging Addyson to take responsibility for her actions. As I attempt to take advantage of teachable moments I realize how easy it would be to do things, which my two year old is capable of doing, for her. 

I realized two things in this "Good job Mama" encounter. One being that I must take advantage of these teachable moments and lead by example. The other thing I realized is that all moms need to hear "Good job Mama."

 This week my heart has been heavy for my fellow mommy friends.

 To the stressed out single mom who is working two jobs to put food on the table, "Good job Mama" 

 To my mommy friend who is overwhelmed and asked for help, "Good job Mama".

 To my friends that have experienced tremendous loss this past year. Your tears are tears of healing. To you my mommy friend I applaud you and your boldness, your courage to walk through the grief process with strength which only comes from the Lord. "Good job Mama." 

To the mom working two jobs to pay the bills, "Good job Mama".

 To the mom that has been up all night holding a crying infant, "Good job Mama"  

We all need to hear "Good job" from time to time. This week instead of just praying for my mommy friends I am also sending them cards to encourage them. Letting them know their hard work, tears, compassion and comitment to their families doesn't go unnoticed.

 "Good job Mama!" Who do you know that needs to hear those words?

  It's amazing how hearing the words "Good job Mama" have helped me to be fully present in the moment this week.

Bedtime Prayer Epiphany

 Last week I fell prey to the dreaded stomach virus. I have never met anyone who enjoys puking their guts out, but for me this type of sickness puts me in a very bad place.  For my OCD self getting sick is not only physically exhausting but mentally exhausting. I'm learning more tools to combat the dark place that I could easily slip into and finding support in others. Reality is despite my desire to crawl into bed and remain their forever, I have to face the land of the living. So on this Monday I did just that.

Today was a long day. I got up at 6:00 am packed addysons lunch and bags for Mother's Day out, took a shower and was out the door by 7:00. Made it to Trevecca, taught class then drove to work arriving at 9:30 to observe a student and worked till 6:00. Drove home in the rain, with windshield wipers that need to be replaced, sat in traffic and prayed. Prayed, thanking God for the strength to make it through the day. Prayed for friends who have experienced loss, friends who are seeking direction, friends who are desperate for hope. Prayed for my precious Addyson and hubby. Praying helps make the time pass while sitting in traffic. Got home made dinner with my hubby's help and ate as a family. Cleaned up from dinner and colored as a family. Yes, we colored as a family tonight after dinner.  It was so cute the three of us crowded around one coloring book as a family. 

It was in tonight's bedtime prayers that The Lord got my full attention. After a long and busy day I felt drained, yet The Lord spoke words of life into my weary body. As Andy prayed he thanked God for being fully present with us. That was it...fully present....why hadn't I ever thought if it before?!

As long as I have been a christian and for a kid who grew up in the church it wasn't till tonight that it really hit me. God, my God, is fully present. All this time I have been writing about and working towards being fully present in the moment and tonight for the first time I realized in each moment of my day God is fully present. He goes before me and is with me always. God is and will always be fully present. Wow, something so simple, yet incredibly comforting.

So despite all the fears, worries and obsessions that could so easily distract and discourage me, tonight my heart is full of hope knowing God is fully preset with me. Maybe I'm the only one who needs this kind of reality check. I dont know, maybe other people have perfect happy lives, but for those of us who are bold enough to honestly face the hurt parts of our lives, there is hope. Hope in a God who not only goes before us but is with us in whatever we face. Cling to the hope that God is fully present. Call out to Him, cry out to Him or just sit in silence before Him. But know that you aren't sitting or crying out alone, He is fully present with you. 

"Mama, You're a Princess?"

Most days I feel pretty average at best. I was never the homecoming queen, a social butterfly or a fashionista. Don't get me wrong I'm not a plain Jane either. I love to dress up, paint my nails, and go out on dates with my hubby. But I'm also equally happy in my comfy clothes and watching shows on netflix with my hubby by my side on the couch. I guess I'm average.

Last night I realized for the first time that in my daughters eyes I am so much more than average. Last night Addyson saw a picture of me on my wedding day and gasped. She looked at me and asked, well, more like stated, "Mama, you're a princess?" My heart melted and I fell in love all over again with my very curious, expressive, and pacifier addicted toddler. 

We are very much into princesses these days. For Christmas Addyson got a dress up kit complete with tiara, fairy wings, a cowgirl, Snow White, Cinderella, firefighter and a host of other costumes. Since Christmas morning she has spent more time dressed as a ballerina and princess than she has in "real" clothes. She wakes up asking for a princess dress and goes to bed fighting to take off a princess dress and wear Jammie's. She loves princesses.

When she saw the picture of me in my wedding dress and Andy in a tux she saw a prince and princess. Amazing how in that moment God spoke so loudly to me. In that moment I realized that I am so much more than average. In my daughters eyes I'm a princess, a beautiful  princess. In Gods eyes I am so much more than average, I am extraordinary. I am a beautiful creation and to my Creator I am incredible.

 If Addyson sees me as a beautiful princess then I should see myself as one too. In a world of lies, I know the truth. The truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God and he doesn't make anything average. This is a truth I want my precious miracle baby to also know. 

I am responsible for cultivating within her a love for God but also a love for herself and the person God created to be. I need to be intentional in teaching her to love her body and if I don't love mine then I'm not setting a good example to her. So in this new year when everyone around me talks about weightless goals and resolutions I'm going to focus on being the woman God created me to be. I'm going to embrace my inner princess and live fully present in the moment.