I sat in my car crying as Addyson repeated "sing Mama, sing Mama" from the back seat. My oversized sunglasses hid the salty tears that steamed down my sunburnt face. Lonely is the best way to describe how I felt sitting there in the Target parking lot. I text my hubby who was busy with teens at a youth event and tried to put my week long stuffed down feelings into words that made sense in a text.
This week I have faced one of the most challenging work situations of my career. In my nearly 10 years as a MSW I have faced a lot of "stuff" but this will probably go down as the most challenging...and unfortunately the challenge is only beginning.
I have questioned a lot this week and have felt incredibly lonely. I have talked with friends this week who are broken hearted, overwhelmed, facing painful grief and forced to be strong in the most painful moments. I hate the feeling of not being able to do anything to help a hurting friend but to pray. I'm a fixer, I'm a helper, I want to make it all better. Unsure of what to say, I have listened and then cried in the private moments of my day. I have felt more alone.
I spend a lot of my day driving and I have found great comfort in the words of this Kari Jobe song. I have actually heard it everyday on the radio at some point in my day for the past two weeks. It's funny how The Lord works. It didn't hit me till today that The Lord wanted to bring healing to my lonely soul through these lyrics.
So...
To my broken hearted teacher friend mourning the loss of your young students life...you are not alone.
To my new mommy friends trying to make sense of this new baby world...you are not alone.
To my grieving friend facing another loss...you are not alone.
To my fellow exausted and sleep deprived moms...you are not alone.
To my fellow pastors wives facing a tiring day of ministry tomorrow...you are not alone.
To my friends facing another disappointment...you are not alone.
To whoever is reading this through tear filled eyes right now...you are not alone.
As I sat in the Target parking lot with Addyson in the back seat, i am so thankful I was able to hear this song again today at just the right time. Through year filled eyes I sang these words:
"I Am Not Alone" (Kari Jobe)
When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear
You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own
You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul
Thankful for the promise of dueteronomy 31:8 and to serve a God who goes before me and is with me always.
Living fully present in the moment.
