Sprinkles

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I was in the hospital waiting. Waiting for the birth of my miracle baby. Even though I was told I would not be able to get pregnant and have children, I lay there in waiting. Waiting is hard, but even harder whenyou are facing fears and the unknown, hard when you await something you have always wanted. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy. And two years ago tonight I was preparing to become a mommy. When I found out I was pregnant I was already close to my second trimester unbeknownst to me. The doctors had no medical explanation for my pregnancy. Immediatly I said I didn't need a medical explanation because I knew this baby was a miracle and a blessing from God. Two years ago tonight I lay in a hospital bed waiting to be induced, I lay there alone. Andy had to leave me at the hospital to go home and let out our dog and bring the hospital bag. He rushed home and I anxiously lay in the deivery room waiting. Facing one of my fears and doing so alone I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord. It was clear as could be that the Lord's presence washed over me and filled that room. Even in my lonliness, worry, and anxiety the Lord continued to bring scripture to my mind. Instead of my mind being filled with fears, what ifs, and obsessive thoughts, my mind was a place of peace, rest and scripture. "Be strong and take courage, for the Lord God is with you." "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Throughout the night, as I was induced, I drifted between sleep, feeling contractions that increased as the hours passed. Two years ago tonight I was selfish and didn't know what I was capable of. I doubted my own potential and on August 23, 2011 I gave birth to Addyson Rayne Barnette, and that's when life began. When I held my newborn baby I experienced joy for the first time ever. Joy knowing that the impossible was possible. Two years ago today I didn't know how my life would change. I didn't know that my heart would experience love like the love I instantly had for Addyson. Love that would cause me to wake up every two hours to feed my tiny baby. Love that grew from a love that began when I feel in love with Andy. Love that multiplies when I see Andy care for, tickle, and pray with Addyson each night. Two years ago tonight I was only known as Ashley. Now I'm known as Addyson's mom. That is an identity that I joyfully embrace...even when I feel the mommy guilt for leaving to go to work, struggle with patience in the midst of temper tantrums, long sleepless nights, and seeing Addyson take more and more steps towards independance. I am grateful for the struggle of getting pregnant. I am grateful for the pregnancy and childbirth experience (especially after the epidural). I am grateful for the struggle, because I cherish the gift of being Addyson's mama. Two years ago tonight I became Addyon's mom and life will never be the same again! Fully present in the moment!!!!

"I'm so OCD"

The phrase "I'm so OCD" is overused and misunderstood. We jokingly say things like "I'm so OCD" not  knowing what it really means to have OCD.

The International OCD Foundation has found that 1 in 100 adults have OCD, or between 2 to 3 million adults in the United States. This is roughly the same number of people living in the city of Houston, Texas. 

OCD is not something that is as common as people say...and although there are people who have OCD tendencies and like to organize...it's not something to joke about.

I recently talked to a friend whose daughter is on the front lines of battling OCD. We shared stories of similar struggles and prayed together. 

When I got of the phone I felt The Lord say "let me be your obsession". I honestly never thought about that before. Could I replace the fears, obsessive thought and compulsions with Him? I honestly don't know the answer. I have worked so hard to hide this part of me for so long and now that I have come out of the OCD closet, I am realizing how many other people struggle. People have emailed me and called and said I also struggle with anxiety, I feel like the invisible person, and so on. In many ways I feel The Lord is using my struggle to help others but at the same time I don't want this struggle. 

This is why I cringe inside when I hear people flippantly say "I'm so OCD" as if its a cool thing. There is nothing glamorous or cool about it. It is a real issue that people and families battle. 

This past year one of my dreams came try when I was asked to teach a social work class at Trevecca. One of the first things I told my students is the importance of seeing people first and their disability or diagnosis second. So instead of saying "the skizophrenic" or "the alcoholic" it's important to say the person with skizophrenia or the person who struggles with alcoholism. 

So on behalf of all the other people who struggle with OCD please don't joke about having OCD because you don't know who really has it and the very real struggles they are facing. 

Facing my OCD giants head on today by being fully present in the moment.