Leftovers

I hate leftovers. I know some people love them and there are even the few that claim some leftover meals are better the next day. I disagree. I hate leftovers, always have and always will.

My parents left today after visiting and as I talked to my mom on her drive home I mentioned we were having leftovers for dinner. She said "oh you have lots of cheese and some hamburg meat in your frige you should make nachos for a quick meal." I started laughing and tried to dismiss it. Yet she insisted describing the yummy nachos I should make for dinner. I stopped her abruptly and said "please tell me you didn't eat any of that hamburg meat." I'm still laughing and she asked "why?" In between my laughing I said "this is embarrassing but that meat is leftover from New Year's Eve when we had friends over for a taco night." She gasped in true motherly fashion and I just laughed...the truth was out. My distain for leftovers and cleaning the frige was out. Then to my horror she said "I was going to give Addyson some of that meat, good thing I didn't." Yikes! I think the growing mold would have stopped her for sure.

I'm embarrassed to tell the world, or at least the handful of people that read my blog that I have leftovers from New Year's Eve in my refrigerator. Yes, this OCD germ freak has mysteroous science experimental mold growing in my fridge in the form of old taco meat. I just hate looking at leftover and usually end up throwing away the contents and container months after enjoying a meal.

This got me thinking about how guilty I am of only having leftovers to give. 

So often we give God our leftovers. At the end of a long day I struggle to do devotions and fall asleep while praying. We come to church after a long week expecting the music or sermon to "speak" to us and we bring God our leftovers. We don't come in a spirit of worship because we have spent all week living a life of worship , no all our energy has been spent on other things. Leftovers.

We do it in marriage. Giving attention to jobs, coworkers and kids and then have no energy for our spouse. I know I'm guilty...we often end the day laying on the couch hubby on his iPad and me on my iPhone too exhausted to do anything but aimlessly play online. Leftovers.

We do it at work. So exhausted from all the stuff we have to do and too overwhelmed from life that all we have to give is leftovers. I find myself trying to do too much or trying so hard to impress people that I have nothing left to give. Leftovers.

It even happens with our parenting. This one hits me hard and breaks my heart that I'm guilty of giving my miracle baby my leftovers. Somedays I'm so tired of teaching, working, and ministry that my energy is zapped. These are the times that she has to say "mama" over and over again to get my attention. Or when im not being intentional about spending time with her.... I hate when I catch myself looking at emails and Instagram while she asks me to play or have a picnic repeatedly all while looking up at me  and seeing me looking at my phone and not her. Ouch. Leftovers.

Way too often all I have left for myself is leftovers. Busyness becomes an excuse for not exercising. Money or lack there of is to blame for not eatting right. Failure to meal plan in advanced leads to eatting too many meals out and not around the dinner table at home as a family. Misguided priorities prevent me from healthy self-care and spending time in solitude. Mommy guilt is a huge barrier to having much needed "me time" or spending time with friends. All of the above leave me with leftovers.

Leftovers are gross. They smell and they are never as good as the original. They get moldy and sit stagnet for too long. 

 For almost 40 days now I have been studying with the Goodmorning Girls on being Intentionally Focused. It is has been a life changing way of studying the word. Each day there are scripture readings and a verse to write. I am using a planner as a journal to keep my study organized and as a prayer journal. We are using the SOAP method (scripture, observation, application, prayer) and it has made the Word come alive in a new way for me. I am excited to read each passage and spend quiet time with my God. 

The concept behind Good morning Girls is to have intentional quiet time with The Lord. It is an online bible study community of like minded women who are seeking The Lord. It has blessed me in many ways. This study has helped renew my focus and I am even more determined now to get rid of the leftovers in my life (and fridge) and be fully present in the moment!

Finding God in the "what's next"?

Im totally thrown off today. I feel like a giant mess. Not as much on the outside as I feel inside. My mind is racing and my thoughts are jumbled. I'm feeling this way because addysons MDO was closed today due to a snow day and it has thrown off my Wednesday routine big time. On the plus side I got to spend extra time with my miracle baby and enjoyed snuggling on the couch after I taught this morning. I'm also grateful for a boss who understands mommy and ministry stuff and let me come in late.  

The disruption in my regular routine brings on the comfort of counting that comes with the ugly and unwelcome OCD monster that resides in the hallways of my mind. Like an unwanted houseguest the monster of OCD invades my space. 

Why do I count? Why can't i stop it when it first starts instead of letting it paralyze me? My counselor once told me this is how my brain was designed. I was created this way and it's not a sign of weakness and it's no ones fault. In moments like this I have to remind myself that this is how God created my brain. There are positive aspects of having OCD, yet there are also mornings like today that one blip in the schedule throws me into a dark place.

I found myself counting as I was driving downtown to meet my hubs who is picking up addyson so I can go to work. Counting lights, finding favorite numbers on license plates, counting the construction workers...and so on. God brought me back to present and with addyson asleep in the back seat I felt His presence. 

The past couple days I have encountered moments of asking, saying or thinking "God, what's next"? 

Sometimes when things seem like they can't get much worse we ask or say "God, what's next?!" Sometimes we ask it when we aren't sure or have a decision to make. I'm finding myself asking God what's next for me? How do you want me to serve you better? Who do I need to encourage? What ministry do I need to start or be a part of? How can I support my husband better? What does my church need? What's the next parenting hurdle I need to overcome? What else could go wrong? How can I know you more? 

The questions drown out the counting and the counting leads to more questions yet as we drove, my sleeping baby and I, it was as if The Lord  shouted "stop, be still my child and stop asking what's next. Be still and listen." As I sat at the light at Wedgwood and 21st The Lord got my attention in a way that nothing else has. And so I will stop, I will be still and I will listen.

Fully present in the moment...

Ten Things Every Mom Needs to Know

While I should be prepping my for class tomorrow I fell into the youtube trap and came across this Kid President video. So here is my list of the Ten Things Every Mom Needs to Know...according to me.



1.) You are doing a great job! If more people told moms this, then more moms would be more confident in their mom-ability.



2.) The phone number for the neearest pizza delivery. Better yet...put it on speed dial and don't feel guilty for ordering take out every once in a while.



3.) It's okay to ask your mother for advice. She has way more mothering experience than you and just because you ask doesn't mean you have to do it her way. ometimes you just need to get another perspective.



4.) You are the perfect mom for your child. You may not be a perfect mom, no one is, but you are the perfect mom for your child and you are an expert when it comes to your baby. Don't ever let anyone make you feel differently.



5.) You set the tone in your home. Everyone feeds off of you so if you are having a bad day chances are the people around you are too. Sometimes our kids aren't the only ones who need a nap!



6.) It is important to have alone time. Even it's just two minutes while you pee. We all need to have quiet time alone in solitude. For me, we are in the throws of toddlerhood and trying to teach Addyson about privacy. At this point she just wants to be with me in the bathroom so she can wash her hands and play in the sink. It is important for our children to see us model the importance of solitude and privacy.



7.) Mommy guilt is toxic. This is a tough one for me as I balance working outside the home, teaching as an adjunct, balancing mommy hood and being involved with my hubby in youth ministry. I often feel guilty about not having a clean enough house, having to have my hubby help cook dinner and so much more. The truth is we weren't designed to do it all alone. It's okay to let people help you. It's time to stop feeling guilty, period!



8.) Money doesn't buy happiness. Your child will live if they don't get a toy everytime they go to the store!



9.) The power of a few close friends. When I was younger I wanted to have tons of friends, but the older I get the more I realize the importance of having a few close friends that I can be real, authentic and vulnerable with. Fellow mommies who have been there, are there, or will be there are vital. It is really valuable to have a mommy friend that has kids older than your own, someone to look up to. But it is equally important to have a mommy friend who has a child younger than yours. Someone you can help on the journey. It feels good knowing that I have a friend who can answer my questions and it also feels good to be the mom to answer a newer moms questions.



10.) Go with your gut. I once heard it called Momsense. The common sense gut feeling that moms have is crucial. It's the gut feeling moms get which urges us to grab a towel and bag right before your kid pukes. It's the not right feeling you have about that aparment complex you toured later to find out it was crawling with people who were registered sex offenders. It's the unexplainable urge to pray for someone. The Lord gives us an inate ability to know what to do and we must listen to that urge. This doesn't mean we will always know the right answer but we must be willing to follow our momsense and the Lord's nudgeing.



That's it folks...my top ten things every mom needs to know. Disclaimer: I've only been a mom for two years. I'm sure in ten years from now my list would look differently.



Now I must return to prepping for tomorrow's class and teaching about the oh so exciting topic of Verbal Following, Exploring and Focusing Skills...if only I could focus long enough to get it done. On second thought...maybe I just need a nap.



Living fully present in the moment!

Pity Party...Party of 1

Lately I have found myself having too many pity parties. You know the feeling sorry for yourself, why me?, party of one. My pity parties usually involve me crying alone in my car or on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerries icecream.

I don't know why I let myself get stuck in these bad moods. They are so unproductive, not to mention pretty unpleasant for those around me. Sometimes they stem from the injustices of the world or the result of comparison. Whatever the culprit, pity parties suck the life and joy right out of you.

I know that there are times when the occasional hysterical cry is necessary and maybe even times when it is beneficial, but overall pity parties aren't very helpful. They don't change anything and certainly don't miraculously make life happier. They are joy stealers and if more women recognized the awful power pity parties have over our lives we would think twice about slipping into the sinking sand of self pity.

My pity parties usually start because I'm tired, hangry (did you know that's a real thing now? It's when you are so hungry your angry and cranky) or I'm comparing myself  others...and sometimes all of the above. Why do I let myself get stuck feeling sorry for myself?

Yesterday I found myself alone crying in my car because my hubby and daughter took a trip to the mall and went to Build a Bear without me. Every Friday they have "Daddy Addy time" which usually involves  chic fil a, a trip to the comic book store and going to a park or the zoo when it is nice outside. I love that they spend this time together, don't get me wrong, it is an oh so valuable time of modeling healthy relationships but my mommy guilt got the best of me yesterday and I threw a pity party right there on I 65 south. This week I have had to work more hours and just feel like I have missed out on spending time with my family. The pity party commenced and I pulled myself together in time to pull into my parking spot. We had pizza delivered and built towers with blocks and then had a couch night. My pity party didn't fix anything or change the fact that I have to work outside the home. So why even bother?

More and more I see the selfishness of having pity parties. Yet people are having them everywhere. You don't like something about church you throw a pity party..."no one talks to me"...."I don't like the music"..."I get nothing out of the sermon"...blah blah blah stop the pity party. 

We do it about our appearance..."my clothes don't fit"..."I hate my hair"... "my purse doesn't have a name on it and cost a rediculous amount of money so I'm not cool"...wah wah wah, pity party in full swing.

I think us moms are the worst! We compare ourselves to other moms and our kids to other kids. We feel guilty about everything. We are too busy yet can't say no...we complain about not having friends...and so on and so on. Yet this is the life we wanted....so why the pity party? I think we all want and crave to hear things like "I don't know how you do it" or "you are so amazing". We compare ourselves to others yet don't take personal reaponsibility for our own "stuff".

I know im taking the risk in offending everyone who reads this blog but I'm guilty too! So I'm starting a revolution, call it a sunshine revolution. 

About a year ago I was feeling super sorry for myself and really just wanted to go sit at the beach, a place of peace and relaxation. No longer living in sunny florida I realized I was having quite the pity party and needed to get my focus off of me and needed to do something for someone else. And so the sunshine kit was born...something so simple yet so special at the same time. So on days that I find myself having a pity party I make a sunshine kit.

 A sunshine kit is a small box full of all things yellow. It's designed to brighten someone's day and I usually make them for a friend I know is legitimately going through a difficult time. A little box of cheer for someone else has been the best cure for my pity party blues. Best of all my sunshine kits are ment to be refilled and passed on to someone else. It's a sunshine revolution! It's funny how pity parties and sunshine kits can really force a person to be fully present in the moment. Who do you know that needs a little sunshine? 

From where I sit...

From where I sit in Panera I see it all. Next to me is an older couple discussing retirement. To the left side of me sit a couple, my parents age, discussing the need for a date night as they scarf down lunch while both on their phones texting and checking emails. Beside them is a group of 3 high school girls squawking loudly about a girl who wore plaid.  Looking straight ahead I see a table of 4 plain dressed cops. Two of which are women. From my seat I also see a table of three moms with their toddlers. I can also see a oh so in love couple staring into each other's eyes, eatting way too close for comfort.

 And then there is me. Sitting alone eatting Mac and cheese.

Every stage of life is represented within my eyesight at this moment. Funny how I have had no words to blog the past few days and then all of a sudden I can't type fast enough to get the words in my mind out.

Where do I fit into this panera paradox? Who am I the most like? Which panera table do I want to be at? 

Why do we always want what we don't have? Why can't we be really satisfied with the life we have? 

I feel like I'm stuck in a sociology movie clip or a commercial or something. Insert cheesy "all are welcome here" panera tag line. But seriously why don't more churches look like panera? Now this isn't  a post about whether or not churches should have small tables with comfy chairs and coffee served. It's about looking around and seeing people. 

Seeing them for who they are and where they are. It's about being happy with the life I have and this time of my life. It's about being fully present. 

Christian communities aren't exempt from "the grass is greener on the other side" mentality. 

I'm not afraid to admit that i can look around panera and even my church and think "I wish I had their life" ' "they have it made" , "she never has to worry about..." "She's so lucky because..." and all those other lies that swarm our subconscious.

Siting here now I wish I was at the table of moms with my little girl. To be able to go  to lunch with fiends in the middle of the work day would be so fun. I also wish I was at the love bug table looking at my hubby with googly eyes. And to sit at the retiree table  with no work to go back to would be nice too. 

But I can only sit at my table. I can only live my life. I can only be myself. 

Last week I got a text from my aunt and it encouraged me so much. After sharing this

picture of addyson praying during small group in her princess dress she sent me the following: 

"That pic of Addyson praying is breathtaking! Aren't you glad you let her wear her princess dress and crown? Of course, there will be days you will have to say no to wearing the princess dress (or whatever it happens to be that day) but last night you said yes and you can tell from the picture she was so content being who she was. Babies don't just come out of the womb and appear in pictures like this, it takes the influence of Godly parents. You are a great mom!

I know if you could, you would want to be home with Addyson instead of going to work, but probably without even realizing it, here are a few of the things you are teaching Addyson:

1. TRUST-When mommy goes away (to work) she comes back. She trusts you because you always come back.

2. APPRECIATION-Addyson's time with you is special to her because you aren't together 24/7. Remember it's quality over quantity.

3. CONFIDENCE: Addyson is a confident little girl....partly because she spends time away from you. 

Remember, you're doing this (working) for HER... You're not working to buy fancy clothes or to own a summer beach house! You provide for her in so many ways....emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. God said He would provide for our needs-He didn't specify how and he didn't say it would be easy, in fact, he didn't even say that we would necessarily like it-but He did say he would provide......and He is.

I am confident in this-that God NEVER makes mistakes-He knows you'd rather be home with Addyson instead of working-and yet, at least for now, this is His plan. I don't think He ever intended for his plan to include guilt so I pray that you will begin to see the positives in working and that a sense of peace will replace the guilt you feel. You are a great mom to Addyson and you and Andy are awesome parents."

I am so thankful for this reminder. Such words of wisdom from Aunt Dar. The words pull me back from going down "the grass is greener on the other side" path of destruction.

The retiree couple left and now two ladies sat down ad are talking about their doggie daycare. One lady just told the other se took her dog to a dog psych for an evaluation...really?!  So of all the tables I could sit at I'm happy to stay at my own fully present in the moment.