A letter to parents of children with OCD

Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all thank you for loving me. Thank you for being parents who cared. Thank you for caring enough to know when your love alone would not pull me from the dark place I was in. Thank you for rejoicing with me as I walked out of the darkness and into the light.

Mom and Dad, I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that my OCD is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it and there is nothing you could have done to change it. You loved me through it, but your love alone couldn't fix it. You knew when I needed more than your love and you took me to get help. 

Mom and Dad, thank you for teaching me that I am a child of God and that He doesn't make mistakes. My OCD isn't a mistake and God knew exactly what He was doing when he created me. Thank you for showing me God's love. You knew that you couldn't pray away my OCD but you prayed for a way for God to  use me, His child and He is! Thank you for praying.

Mom and Dad, you held me close before every overnight trip away from my safe place of home. You even came and picked me up when the sleepover wasn't over yet because I wanted to come home. As a teenager you sat with me and heard me cry about being afraid I would get sick and you helped me make a plan of what to do if I did. You told me I wouldn't get sick and even though I didn't believe you, it helped me leave and discover new things. You even exposed me to another country before I even knew what OCD was and it was there that I learned that God is wherever I am and He will never leave me. 

Dad, when I was a kid you came in with a big trash bag and helped me clean my room of all my stuff and that taught me that sometimes I need a clean slate, a do over and that fresh starts are okay. Most importantly Dad, you are the one who told me that I have to be fully present in the moment if I ever want to be happy.

Mom, you are the one who would wipe me tears when I cried about no one ever loving me let alone asking me out on a date. I know it's your job to tell me I'm beautiful but thanks for saying it again and again. 

Mom and Dad, thanks for coming to my first apartment, packing it all up and moving it when the thought of another change was too overwhelming. Thank you for saying you would help and actually being there to help. Thank you for coming over to my new place and opening the blinds to let the light in. Thank you for not letting it be an option to stay home alone even though I wanted to. Thank you for the countless meals out after long days at work. Thank you for laughing with me, at me, and helping me learn to laugh at myself. Thank you for encouraging me to take medicine and making it not a big deal.  Thank you for asking me periodically  if I'm still taking it and if it is working. Thank you for gently yet firmly telling me when you think I need to go talk to a counselor because talking to you isn't enough to get me back on track. Thank you for walking beside me when for every step forward I took there were times I took two steps backwards. You never left my side and I'm so grateful. Mom and Dad, it's okay to tell me to snap out of it every once in a while but thank you for knowing it's not that easy and being patient when I couldn't just snap out of it.

Mom and Dad, thank you for not being shocked, mad, disappointed or blaming me for my OCD. Thank you for loving me,encouraging  me, crying with me, and praying for me.Thank you for the laughter that filled our home and the genuiness that you always show. Thank you for not letting me marry that one guy, you know, the one who didn't understand my uniqueness. Thank you for telling my hubby-to-be that family was important and that when he married me he got all that came with it...family that sticks together. Thank you for being active in my life even though I'm married and have a daughter of my own. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone.

Most of all Mom and Dad, thank you for showing me what it means to be fully present in the moment. I love you!

Your daughter with OCD.

Counting, Crying and Curious George

I found myself counting steps this week. Counting is a comfort yet when I find myself having to count steps again I get a little worried. I don't like this OCD part of me because it distracts me and makes me feel like I'm taking steps backwards in my progress. I think that stress and changes to my schedule really led to the need to count. This week was spring break for Trevecca, so I didn't have class to teach. The extra sleep was a welcomed change but any disruption to my routine causes me to slip into OCD patterns of behavior. Funny how the brain works. As much as I love teaching, I also love a little extra sleep. Yet as a creature of habit, like most, my body still woke up at the time my alarm goes off to teach. 

The counting krept back into my world Monday and I didn't notice it was a problem till Wednesday when I was walking up stairs with a friend and was so distracted by counting I couldn't fully engage in the conversation with my friend. Sometimes the things we dislike about ourselves are the very things God uses to reach others. 

Some famous people with OCD include Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Churchill, David Beecham, and Cameron Diaz just to name a few. These people have done some pretty amazing things with their life. So I'm in good company I guess.

Monday I struggled with a day of busyness, extreme mommy guilt, another run in with the rude co worker and a trafficy commute. At the end of the day Monday I laid in bed with my hubby an had a cry fest. 

For Lent this year we decided as a couple to add something to our life instead of jumping on the lent bandwagon and giving something superficial up like many do. So we commited to reading a couples devotion each night together. The devotion Monday night was about servant love. We read the devotion and my cry fest began as I attempted to explain my struggle with not being able to stay home with addyson and cook dinner. My frustration and anger with my hubby having to get dinner ready, something I think is my job to do, and working a job that means I get home late led to endless tears. We talked through the options and talked about my expectations of what our roles should be and all that other stuff. My hubby has a way of knowing when to derail my crazy train. He looked at me and said, "let me love you by helping with dinner."

That was it, in that moment there was nothing else I could say. This isn't a post to show off how great my hubby is, although he would say he is pretty amazing. But to show that even in my worst moments of OCD or crazy cry fests there are people in my life that God has placed to remind me I'm not in this life alone.

The Lord also uses random things like Curious George to speak to me. I know, it's a stretch but that curious little monkey and the man with the yellow hat got my attention this week. One of the contributing factors leading to my cry fest is the stark reality that my "baby" is growing up. I hate that she doesn't need me as much as she used to. I hate that there will be a day that I won't need to carry her, or even be able to. I hate that in a couple years she will be in school all day and will have tons of other influences in her life. As much as I want her to stay little forever it's not reality and she is a curious little monkey like her buddy George. She seemingly has no fear, unlike her mommy who has enough fear to go around. 

One thing about the man with the yellow hat that hit me this week is that he knows how curious George is and yet he let's the monkey get into all kinds of obstacles which then become teachable moments. Isn't that how God is? He doesn't stop us from making mistakes but lovingly teaches us through the mistakes we make. He created us and knows us better than anyone.  I'm thankful that even in my counting, excessive hand washing, tears, and fears God looks at me lovingly and teaches me new things. The people He places in my life and the struggles I see as my weaknesses God is using.

So here is to living fully present in the moment today!

It Never Ends

The other morning after doing my fourth load of laundry while staring at a pile of towels still needing to be washed, I said out loud to myself "it never ends." It wasn't even 11 am and I had already navigated through a toddler temper tantrum, sweeping up cocoa krispies off my freshly washed kitchen floor and endless emails from work. The "it never ends" theme flooded my mind all morning.

So this blog post is long overdue because well...the job of a mom never ends. I kept thinking "it never ends"...  the following things came to mind...

-bills

-laundry

-temper tantrums

-stepping over toys that I just cleaned up

-people complaining about stupid things

-work emails

-deadlines

-keeping the house clean

-pressures of perfection

So many thoughts flooding my already overly tired mommy brain and The Lord quieted my heart, mind and body when my miracle baby, well now two year old, toddler said in her little voice "mama come here". I bent down and she turned my head away from her and whispered in my ear "love you mama". 

In that moment none of the mornings tasks, my endless to do list, the ever growing grocery list, the emails, the dirty floor and my need for perfection ceased. It was in that quiet moment of Addyson whispering in my ear that the Lords voice was so loud in my mind and I was reminded, "it never ends". Gods love for us is never ending. There is nothing I can do or not do that will stop God from loving me. Just like I love my daughter through temper tantrum and spills, God loves me, His daughter, through my anger, disbelief, and questions. God's love for me (and you!) never ends.

From that point forward my perspective has changed. Doing what seems like endless loads of laundry I am thankful for a washer and dryer. When addyson acts like the two year old she is, I love her through the tantrum, often holding her close or giving her space. Just like my God does for me. When I'm questioning how the money will last all month, choosing which bills are more of a priority to pay, I remember a time when there wasn't money coming in and I thank Him. When I find myself cooking spaghetti for dinner (my we have no food in the house last resort meal) I think about the month I spent doing disaster response in Iowa and eatting Red Cross meals out of a truck sitting besides people who had lost every earthly possession they owned. When the work emails overwhelm me I say a quiet thank you for God providing me with a job. And when the OCD thoughts rage inside me I worship through music or recitng scriptures.

Gods love, it never ends! This is the truth that is helping me be fully present in the moment this week.