Sometimes I Let Addyson Eat Croutons for Breakfast & Other Things I Never Thought I'd Do As A Mom

I was totally an expert mom before I was actually a mother. You know the one who had taken all the classes and studied child development. I worked with kids so naturally I was an expert. Let me tell ya...I didn't know what I didn't know.

I'm still no expert as I have only been a mama for three years. But I can say that I am an expert mom to Addyson, my miracle baby. My hubby and I are the experts when it comes to her, but sometimes in the heat of the parenting moment I have to remind myself that neither one of us know better than the other. We both have the same amount of parenting experience.

There are things I have done in my three year mommy career that I never thought I'd do...and now to share a few.


A couple days before we moved to to Nashville our Pediatrician in Florida shared concerns about Addyson's growth. He advised we get her into a doc within two weeks after our move. To make a long story short (no pun intended) the term "failure to thrive" entered our world. With it came a grieving process and weight gain goals. We pumped our little one full of avocados, sour cream, butter, pediasure and followed the weight gain plan. I wrote down everything she ate every day for months. She began growing and is meeting all developmental milestones. As a result I found myself letting her eat things I never thought I'd do. So sometimes she eats croutons for breakfast...with a banana of course.

In a recent post I shared the tales from the toilet and other lessons learned from potty training. I am happy to say we survived and are all about the big girl undies! Through that journey I experienced way too many moments with poop. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be on all fours looking for the little poop pellets my precious daughter flung our of her undies in attempts to get on the potty. This OCD Mama has had more encounters with poop than I'd like to admit.

When I was pregnant I was convinced Addyson wouldn't watch TV till the age of two in fear her brain and language wouldn't develop. I had done all my research and was sure we would shield our babe from the screen. Needless to say her favorite show is Curious George and some mornings that the only way I make it out of the house with a shower.

The biggest thing I never thought I'd do as a mom is let my child have a pacifier this long. This is a judge free zone right? Well, we are down to the last paci in the house and being that she is 3 years old and a week I'm more than ready for the paci to get permanently lost. At this point is stays in bed and is only for night time but all through the day I find her chewing on things. As I type she is chewing on a toy hot dog from her play kitchen. She chews on her shirts, fingers and anything else.  We are trying to provide more sensory input with pretzels, crackers, apple slices and anything else that crunches. In reality it's not hurting anyone and I'm fully prepared to start saving for braces now.

Being a mom is the greatest title I will ever hold. It is a blessing. I never thought I was capable of loving anything or anymore more than my husband. The love I have as a mom for my daughter is a different kind of love. I never thought i could love more but as each day passes and I see her grow and change I want to hold on to her tighter. My mind races to the first day of kindergarten, her first date, college and her wedding day. After facing days early on when she wasn't growing I remind myself that this is all part of the journey. Learning to let go is a struggle for this OCD Mama. Yet the challenge to remain fully present in the moment forces me back to reality. Living fully present in the moment helps me be a better mom.

Life as a Pastor's Wife

In an attempt to process life as I live it I turn to the keys. Sometimes the busyness of life prevents me from processing. Since returning from a week of experiencing The Kingdom in Flint, Michigan I have found myself having to be intentional about life.

Church is a funny thing to me. Not my church, but church in general. We have turned church into a business. We forget that churches are made up of human beings. We expect all the smoke and lights and think that is what makes church relevant. We forget to love people like Jesus. We get caught up in what the people on stage are wearing and the music. Recently I heard someone older than 35 say they didn't know one of the songs. The funny thing is it was a hymm. I'm guilty of it too... I have recently learned that worship isn't something that happens in the service on sunday mornings. I must be in worship all week. I can't come to church expecting to get fed for the week. I have to be intentional about my relationship with God all week and not just at church a couple hours a week.

Growing up in a pastor's family I have experienced an inside-out view of church. Often times knowing things behind the scenes has it's advantges and disadvantages alike. At times in my growing up years I hated being a Pastor's kid, but looking back I see how God began preparing me for life as a Pastor's wife.


In talking and listening to other Pastor's wives over the past year and a half I have found many comonalities and in perfect fully present fashion it's time to process.

My fellow Pastor's Wife friends shared the bests and worsts of life in the fishbowl of being married to a pastor and I thought it's time to share a few.

Some of the most common worsts included:
-Unrealsitic expectations. "We can't be everything to everyone. We need to put our families first and sometimes this means not being there everytime the doors are open."
-Cut throat church politics.
-Finances. "Not enough salary to stay afloat. Having to work second and third jobs."
-Someone in crisis or dies right befure (or even worse) during our vacation.
-Hurtful words said with "good" intentions. "Can't tell you how many times I have heard people talk about my husband while I have been in the bathroom and they didn't know it."
-People leaving to go somewhere "better". "The reason people say they are leaving is never the real reason. We often know things others don't." "We had a family leave to go to the mega church across town. They posted numerous posts on facebook about how great their new church was and how happy they were. Little did they know behind the scenes the pastor of their new great church was having an affair. There are no perfect churches!"
-Setting boundaries.
-Seeing dysfunction in peoples lives. "Often it is so hard to see and feel hurt with people."
-Pressure to give more and be more. "We are human beings too."

The top bests of being in ministry as a Pastor's wife:
-People who love and care for our kids. "Adopted grandparents" "free babysitting, people sitting with us when our kids were sick."
-People who stand by us in our darkest days.
-Knowing we have spent our life doing things that matter
-Seeing teens question and grow in their faith. "A full house with smelly teens who don't want to leave."
-The relationships and friends even after moving to another place in ministry.
-Learning to communicate more effectivley with spouse
-God's provision time and time again. "Christmas bonuses that made Chrismas possible for our children." "Seeing His faithfulness in the hardest, poorest times." "Gas cards and groceries left on our porch."
-Faithful prayer warriors who have always covered us in prayer.
-Being part of God's bigger plan.


I am greatful for the ways the Lord has gone before me in the places of ministry we have served. But we are not immune to the hurtful words. Sometimes we just want to sleep in on Sundays too. I am especially thankful for my fellow Pastor's Wife friends who I text and call when I need support. We serve in multiple areas of the church and do things no one else sees.

So if you are reading this hug your pastor's wife tomorrow and tell her you appreciate her. And if you don't appreciate her or her hubby, do me a favor...don't talk about them in the batchroom...you never know if she is in the stall next to you.

Taking this pastor's wife journey day by day living fully present in the moment!

How Great is Our God!

Three years ago today I didn't know what I was capable of. Three years ago today I didn't know my true strength. Three years ago today I was selfish. Three years ago I was overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Three years ago today I thought I knew what a good mom was. Three years ago today I didn't know what I didn't know. Three years ago today I held in my arms the greatest gift I have ever been given.

Today we celebrated our miracle baby. Overwhelmed with gratitude for The Lord entrusting me with this gift, I cherished every moment of this day, her 3rd birthday. The fully present moments of this day included last minute party shopping, a FROZEN party complete with an icecream sundae bar, welcoming "sharky" (the fish) to the family and celebrating with family and friends. 

When Addyson was a couple days old I remember rocking her in my arms. Through teary eyes I would sing "How Great is Our God." For nights on end I would rock, sing and thank God for the miracle of her life. 

Even now when Addyson is struggling to fall asleep, singing that song can calm her. The words of the song alone are meaningful but the words are so much more meaningful when you have had moments when God is silent. . 

Being fully present in the moment helps me recognize how great God is and recognizing how great God is helps me be fully present in the moment.</span>

God is.

The past week has been a whirlwind of a week. Ever had a rollercoaster of emotions kind of week? Yup, that pretty much sums up this past week.

It has been a week of new beginnings, disappointment, ups and downs and memories. I have had to remind myself on multiple occasions to be fully present in the moment.

The week began with my miracle baby starting preschool. As I anxiously began the first full week of my new job, my little girl excitedly began preschool.

I was doing pretty good handeling my emotions untill we got out of the car to go into preschool and I asked if she wanted to hold my hand as we walked inside. She replied "no thanks". My heart broke as I saw my all too independent girl walk into her class and say "my name is Addyson." 

The crying floodgates broke wide open and the ugly cry face took over as I drove to work. When I called to check on her during my lunch break the lady who answered the preschool office phone reported Addyson was doing great and having a better first day than her mama. Isn't that the truth I thought as I told her I promise not to call everyday.

My new job has brought with it excitment as I am so happy to be doing social work stuff again. With the excitment also comes feelings of inadequacy and worry. One thing that is a change for me is the nature of the work which puts me in a variety of schools instead of one location. I'm finding the travel time between schools very freeing. The drives are usually spent praying and worshipping as I sing with the radio. And let's be honest a few tears have been shed this week in the car between appointments at schools as I think about my new full time work schedule and then reapply makeup before going to the next school. Yet God has amazingly placed the right songs on the radio at the right times to speak hope to this sad mamas heart. 

To be honest, I hate the talk part of the radio and wish it was just music. But this week one of the radio people said something that has echoed in my mind and heart all week. They were talking about sending their 18 year old son off to college in another state and all the college stuf he needed, college expenses and the miles that would seperate them from their son. The radio dj mom said the following in regards to her "baby" leaving home, "I just had to come to accept that God either is or He isn't." She went on to talk about all the times God was faithful to her and yet the fears of sending her son away to college paralyzed her until she came to realize that God is! If God is everything we say He is and believe He is then God is big enough to handle it! 

Hello?!? Talk about a wake up call, slap in the face moment. My drive between schools became a moment of confession and commitment to living like I believe that God is. That God is enough to handle my emotional rollercoaster. That God is The One who holds my daughters hand at preschool. The following song "I Am Set Free" by All Sons and Daughters came on the radio and I sang along feeling a sense of freedom I have never felt or experienced before! 

Fast forward to the weekend spent in Texas celebrating my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. It was a quick trip to Texas but one full of "fully present" moments with family. Seeing family I haven't seen in years, along with seeing my brother and parents was such a blessing. There were so many moments where I didn't even need to remind myself to be fully present in the moment because I was just soaking in each moment of togetherness. It was an unforgettable gift to have that time together. The icing in the cake was on Sunday morning when the same exact song was sung that I heard on the radio earlier in the week. As if God was reminding me that He is! Even in my week of saddness, disappointment, anger and excitment God is still God and He is a God of freedom.  

I am living in the moment set free!

Everyday, Ordinary Life

Back to life...back to reality. I have always somewhat lived from event to event. Countdowns, to do lists and planning is a natural part of my personality which I could blame on the OCD, but have learned to accept as just a part of me. Since being home from our Mission Trip last week and seeing The Kingdom I have really struggled with getting back to "normal" life. I can't get the images, peoples faces and the fun we had serving beside our C3 teens out of my mind. 

To be honest, I would rather be back in Flint right about now. I definitly love sleeping in my own bed, but feel like i'm suffering from Post Trip Depression. Ok maybe I made that diagnosis up, but i'm feeling a little down since we have been back in Nashville. After a week of working hard and serving others I feel like I haven't accomplished much here at home. Each night of the trip I would lay down on my slightly deflated air mattress and reflect on all that we accmplished that day. Working besides our teens was a refreshing break from the mundane ordinary life here at home. Sure, I have done loads of laundry, grocery shopping and even picked out a new preschool for Addyson since we returned, but I don't have that I made a difference feeling like I had all last week. I guess it's just the return to everyday ordinary life that has me feeling a little down. Or the fact that I not only served along side my teens last week but with my family as well and it's hard not waking up knowing I will see them today that has me feeling sad. 

I remember this feeling after graduating from Grad school, our wedding, having Addyson, after family holidays together and other mission trips. It's just that let down of something you have looked forward to and planned for and then it's just over. Why is it that the time it takes before a big trip, event or vacation takes forever to get here and then the event or trip itself flies by?

 I think another reason that this week was different is due to my intentional choice of being fully present in the moment all throughout our week in Flint. Last night we let our teens share their most memorable moment and their Kingdom or God moment from the trip. It was refreshing to hear teens share where they saw God. I am humbled by the response to my last blog post about seeing the Kingdom. I hope it serves as a challenge to have Kingdom eyes. I guess I wonder how that will all play out in my daily life and community. With the upcoming changes in our family like Addyson starting preschool and my new job I pray that I have my eyes open for opportunities to share God's love. 

While we were with our C3 teens this week anohter team from our church was serving in Africa. I can't wait to hear how their lives were changed this past week. but reality is that you don't have to drive 10 hours to Flint or fly across the world to Africa to see the Kingdom and serve others. I want more than anything for my church, our teens and people around me to have a passion for worship and serving God through loving others. How do I get others excited about this? 

Before our trip to Flint the Lord gave me a verse from Romans 12: 1 in the Message and since being home I can't get it out of my head: "So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

How do I live an intentional life loving God and loving others? The only answer I have is to continue to place my life before God by being fully present in the moment.

The Kingdom

The summer of 2008 I spent a month serving through Nazarene Disaster Response after Iowa was devastated by flooding. It was the first time I experienced the Kingdom of God. Before going to Iowa I only thought of the Kingdom of God as going to heaven, something far off.

My faith deepened the summer I was in Iowa. I will never forget getting the call that they needed traumatologist to go and help the flood victims and first responders deal with the emotional effects of disaster. I knew I had to go.

 I fell in love with serving. It was as if the broken pieces of my life became whole as I lived out of a suitcase, took cold showers and ate from Red Cross trucks. I truly believe God used that trip to open my eyes to the selfishness that consumed me. I saw, touched, smelled, experienced and ate things that my OCD self never even imagined was possible. 

That month changed my heart. It changed my heart to see people differently. It's funny how this week has reminded me of that month in Iowa years ago.

This week my husband and I have been with our teens on a mission trip in Flint, Michigan.

I have seen the Kingdom this week. I am seeing a glimpse of Christ. I see Christ in our teens as they serve and I see Christ in the eyes of people we are serving.

I saw the Kingdom this week at the Detroit tigers game when one of our teens traded seats so a dad and his son could sit next to each other at their very first baseball game. The Kingdom of God is at baseball games.

I see the Kingdom in my husband who has a passion for helping teens learn to love God and love others even though at some point on every youth trip he says "I think I'm too old for this."

I saw the Kingdom when nine year old Darnell got a bike and then came back and waited with us on the bounce house company to come pick up the bounce house he played in. I saw the Kingdom in my brother who let Darnell play games on his phone while we waited. We found out Darnell wants to be a lawyer when he grows up or a cage fighter if being a lawyer doesn't work out. I saw the Kingdom in my brother as he talked to Darnell. I saw the Kingdom in Darnell.

I saw the Kingdom in our teens as they boarded up houses, painted, worked together carrying tools, lumber and swaped chips on our lunch break. They were exposed to things so far from their suburban Ray-Ban Sperry Starbucks Chaco lives. Their eyes were opened to communities and people much different from their own. They learned a lesson on the "tour of Flint" when they laughed at and took pictures of the guy in front of Taco Bell. They won't forget him as later that night they were challenged to see people as "their true selves, their child of God selves." Teens are the Kingdom no matter where they come from.

I saw the Kingdom as children's eyes lite up as they rode new bikes. I saw the Kingdom as people ate hot dogs and burgers. As the grill fired up and people came out they experienced the Kingdom. 

I saw the Kingdom in the mom who came on the trip and cooked our meals. She cooked without complaining. She kept us well fed and made sweet tea. Yes, I saw the Kingdom in a glass of cold sweat tea!

I see the Kingdom in my parents who tirelessly cared for Addyson so we could be free to be with our teens.  I see the Kingdom when our teens love Addyson. When she sees them and their eyes light up, when they include her and stop what they are doing to talk to her. They are showing her what the Kingdom looks like. I see the Kingdom every time I look at my miracle baby.

The Kingdom of God is near. It's 10 hours from where I live, it's in my neighborhood, it's in our youth ministry. The Kingdom is here. I want to have Kingdom eyes. Where do you see the Kingdom?

Being fully present in the moment helps me see the Kingdom.

Choices...

Everyday we make choices. Good choices and bad choices surround us and navigate through our schema. I have been reminded lately that I can choose to bless The Lord, regardless of my situations. The song "10,000 Reasons (bless The Lord)" has been in my mind all week. The words are powerful yet have drawn me back to the choice we have to worship The Lord in the midst of the junk this life gives us. Life is hard and well...sometimes life sucks. Situations we experience, loss, and disappointment all can suck the life right out of us. Without choosing to turn to Christ in the midst of the chaotic world we live in we can drown in unknowns, comparisons and doubts. Yet we worship a God who is there in the midst of all that junk. 

I'm a recovering over commiting, people pleasing, can't say no-a-holic. This way of life left me burned out. It left me burned out as a social worker. Im not afraid to admit it, it even left me burned out on religion. So instead of commiting to everything like my old ways, I stood on the outskirts, was aloof and hid behind my baby, who had become my security blanket in a sense.

 I used to struggle with wanting to look, talk, and be like everyone else. I thought I had a handle on it until I moved here and yet again wasn't part of the "in crowd" at church. Funny how sometimes we feel the most excluded at church, the one place where everyone should feel like they belong right? I wasn't sure of my place and purpose amongst the people I was called to serve through youth ministry. I could blame it on the nature of ministry, being a pastors wife or even my OCD, but I began looking at it like it was a choice. In reality I was choosing to let the popular people get to me. Choosing to have pity parties and other distructive thought patterns seized my rational brain. 

Tonight I am choosing to bless the Lord. I am choosing to pray when i'd rather complain. I am choosing to read the word daily and being intentional about sharing verses with friends. I am choosing to worship the Lord even though I may not like the songs or music style, or gasp...the platform arrangement on a given sunday. I'm choosing to stop listening to the whiny bad attitdes and start being a part of the change. I am choosing to
tune out the negative "this is how we've always done it or it will never work that way" people so I can hear the voice of the Lord. I'm choosing to give to others even if it means going without. I'm choosing joy.

I am choosing to be fully present in the moment.