I'm Feeling Full of Thanks!!!

The kitchen is clean and all the leftovers are cooling. Addyson is napping and  the family are claiming their spots on the couch. My stomach and heart are full! Today is the day we set aside for giving thanks, spending time with friends and family... O yeah...and over eating. 

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and over the years has become more and more special. I remember the first thanksgiving after coming out of the dark.    I remember sitting down with my dad at the end of the holiday weekend and asked him "wasn't this the best thanksgiving we have ever had?" He turned and smiled at me and responded "Ashley, every thanksgiving is just like this one, this is just the first time you have been able to relax and enjoy it."

That was a turning point for me as I was resistant to taking meds for the OCD giant.  It wasn't till that moment that I realized how much I loved life and the meds helped me live a full life.

Each Thanksgiving is special because we are forced to pause, reflect and think about the blessings we have. Before I drift off into a turkey coma I want to reflect about the things I am thankful for. I didn't do the Facebook thing and post daily the things I am thankful for, but I have thought all month long about them. I am full of thanks for:

1. God's presence in my life.

2. My husband.  Not only does he love me, he makes me laugh and takes out the trash.

3. My precious miracle baby Addyson. She brings a joy to my life that I can't explain in words.

4. Parents who taught by example to love God and others.

5. My brother Brandon. He is my best friend even though we are complete opposites. 

6. The Barnette family. I am so thankful for how they have welcomed me to their family and love them like my own!

7. My job and the insurance it provides for our family.

8. Two working cars.

9. Our house. Even though it is little it is comfy, warm and cozy.

10. The Word. It is my life book!

11. Gods provision in the past, present and future.

12. Chapstick

13. Hearing addyson laugh and giggle when her daddy tickles her at bedtime even though it drives me crazy I secretly love it.

14. Netflix

15. Trevecca Nazarene University and the influence it has had on my life. Meeting Andy there and now teaching there are dreams come true!

16. My snoring husband beside me on the couch. Even though his snoring drives me absolutely crazy I am thankful for couch nights with him.

17. Friends who have encouraged and supported me this year.

18. Starbucks Carmel brûlée lattes

19. The college girls who watch Addyson for me while I work or when Andy and I have a date night. They make me a better mom knowing addyson is loved and taken care of.

20. I am so thankful for this blog, the people who read it and the way it has not only helped me but how it is helping others on their journey.

21. My bedroom, it is my safe place. My bed and blankets make me happy and relaxed.

22. Crockpot liners. Thank you to whoever invented them!

23. My health. I may be a germ freak but I'm so thankful for my health and the medical people in the world who can make me better if I get sick.

24. Sweet tea

25. Reading books. The real thing. Being able to open a book, turn pages and smell the paper. 

26. FaceTime!  Living far away from family is the hardest thing...especially at the holidays  but having FaceTime makes it a little easier.

27. Naps

28. Sanibel Island 

29. My cousin Lindsay and our Black Friday shopping tradition. Even though it's been a couple years since we have gone together we still go and text each other the day of. The memory of screaming "Thank you Target workers" with her is unforgettable and brings a smile to my face.

30. Living fully present in the moment.

A Message to Moms

If you are a mom you know the feeling. The feeling of someone staring, glaring and silently judging. If you aren't a mom you may have been the one staring, glaring and silently judging. I can admit that pre-Addyson I would stare at the mom in the grocery store with the kicking and screaming tantrum child. I'm sure I even glared and judged the mom giving her kiddos a happy meal for dinner.

Hear me out, this isn't a post to make you feel guilty , cause all moms know mommy guilt is rampant enough in my own mind and don't need anyone to affirm or add to it. It's not about debating controversial parenting methods.

This is a shout out to all the good moms! I think it's time women, especially moms, stop judging each other and start to encourage one another. I had breakfast yesterday with a mommy friend and welaughed  about the pressure we feel to make a perfect lunch for our kiddos but agreed that sometimes it's just easier to go through Sonic. I sat across the table from one of the best moms I know of and felt a sense of commraderie. Not only did I get some ideas from her since she has the advantage of having been a mom longer, but I left encouraged that I'm not the only one who struggles with wanting to be seen as a good mom.

So if you go through the dive thru for dinner, it's ok...you're a good mom!

If your kid is wearing a swim diaper because you forgot to buy diapers...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you put head phones in at night to get a good nights sleep and let daddy get up during the night with baby...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you pack and send all organic lunches with your kid to school...it's okay...you're a good mom. If you don't...it's okay...your still a good mom!

If you have ever locked yourself in the bathroom while your newborn baby "cries it out"... It's okay...you're a good mom!

If you give in after hearing your baby cry for 39 minutes straight...it's okay... You're  a good mom!

If you give your toddler a cookie at chic-fil-a it's okay...you're a good mom.

If your kid has a temper tantrum in the middle of target and the married-with-no-kids lady stares you down the aisle...it's okay...your a good mom!

If you dump out your two year olds Halloween candy bag  and refil it with pretzels and gold fish...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you don't bathe your child every night...it's okay...your a good mom!

If you have unwashed dishes in the sink...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you feed your daughter sonic grilled cheese sandwhiches because you know it's the only thing she will eat...it's okay...your a good mom!

If your child has an ear infection and you had no clue...it's okay...you're a good mom!

The truth is we all make mistakes, we are all trying to figure this mommy job out. Just when I think I've got this mommy thing figured out, a new stage comes and with it brings questions. For me I have found that the key is to surround myself with fellow mommies who can support and encourage me! I am also learning to be more confident of my mom ability because I'm the only mom Addyson has and I am her perfect mom. So please for the sake of all mommies, stop judging each other and encourage each other. Live fully present in the moment and remind yourself it's okay...your a good mom!

Tales From The Couch & other lessons learned from a sick baby

There is nothing worse than a sick baby. And nothing worse for this germ freak OCD mama than having my baby sick. This morning we made our way to the doctors office after two days home with a fever and hours of watching Mickey's Magical Christmas and Curious George it was time for some answers. 

Addyson takes after her mama and is a pitiful puny mess when she isn't feeling good. She usually isn't one for cuddles and snuggling on the couch so when she wants to sit on my lap and hold hands on the couch I usually know some kind of yucky germs are brewing. Even with my best attempts at keeping things germ free around me I can't help but hold and cuddle my Addy when she is sick. I truly believe The Lord helps me to care for her everyday but especially when she is sick. 

Most of my compulsions are triggered by obsessive thoughts. i mean no one likes getting sick but for me the idea of sickness is paralyzing. As with most people living with OCD I know my triggers and usually how to cope with them. So this week i faced my triggers head on and survived. The past two days all I could do was hold my little germ filled girl and cuddle on the couch. Lesson: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

In her pitiful state we made our way to the pediatrician who confirmed my suspicions ...an ear infection. The hardest part of this stage is that Addyson can't communicate what she is feeling or what hurts so of course I feel like I've reached epic fail mom status today by waiting all week to go to the doc. Lesson learned: listen to your mom-tuition. The Lord gives us an intuitive gift as moms and we should always go with that mom-tuition.

We leave the docs and I call my amazing hubby and we talk through how we are going to juggle work because as a youth pastor Wednesdays are his busiest days. Unfortunately I have to be at work to meet with the fire Marshall. (These are the days when living so far from family is hardest...what I wouldn't do to have her grandparents close enough to come over and cuddle my baby for a couple hours.) Lesson learned: don't work for a boss who doesn't understand and accept that I am a mom first. So grateful for a boss who not only gets my mom priorities but also understands life in ministry.

We go through the pharmacy drive thru to get meds filled and as Addyson is sleeping peacefully in the back seat i go to Starbucks drive thru to treat myself and kill time while we wait for the meds to be ready. I put in my order and pay and as I'm fighting back the mommy guilt I head back to pharmacy. I go to reach for my delicious Carmel brûlée latte and its not in the cup holder. What?!!!? Did i really just paid for my Starbucks and drove off without it? Of course with a sleeping sick baby in the backseat I circle back around to the now 5 car deep line to receive my paid for coffee. Lesson learned: always double check that you actually get the items you paid for in a drive thru, especially expensive Starbucks coffee. Lesson learned #2: sometimes the expensive coffee can be what helps you get thru.

With red cup in hand I head back to pharmacy only to be stumped with "what flavor do you want the meds" question. Huh??? I guess I didn't know there was such an option of flavoring meds and in hopes of avoiding the wrestle of getting Addyson to take the 10 day long prescriptions I pay the extra $2.99 for strawberry flavored amoxicillin.

So now we sit on the couch cuddled up, with Addyson grateful for Netflix and my latte. I look around and I realize my house is a mess and I usually wouldn't care but have house guests coming tonight and must get it house guest ready. And after the struggle to take the "yummy strawberry" medicine I'm pooped. A mom's job is never done, but I'm so grateful for my comfy couch, cuddly baby and Curious George. Lesson learned: things could be a lot worse...count your blessings.

  So today I will be living fully present in the moment watching Curious George with Addyson.

The Dreaded Question: "when are you having more kids?"

It is the elephant in the room at nearly any function where children are present. You ask it at church, in the hallways of Mother's Day Out, around restaurant tables, at the park, at Homecoming and at family get togethers. The dreaded "so when are you going to have another child"? A question that makes me cringe and feel flustered every time I hear it asked of parents. Usually the mom and dad look at each other and begin to delve into a long winded time table answer based on ages and stages of current children. Sometimes the answer is based on those pesky biological clocks. But my answer isn't what you'd expect.

I cringe at the question because I never know how to answer. Sometimes I want to scream "why does it matter, can't you see I have an amazing child right here?" Other times I want to crawl under the table and avoid all talk of pregnancy babies and more kids. Since neither of those options are socially acceptable I usually stand red faced and look at my hubby for help in answering the dreaded question. And let me tell you... people practically began asking it the moment she came out of the womb. 

Why do we as a society have this obsession with asking way too personal of questions? Do we like to see people look flustered and stutter for an answer?

Before I get all up on my soap box let me first say I'm guilty. I'm guilty of asking the dreaded question and guilty of being all too curious about people's personal lives. I think I have become way better at not asking stupid questions but even a couple weeks ago I asked a new friend if her and her husband were planning on having more children. As soon as the words left my mouth i cringed wanting to take them back because I didn't know my new friends story. I didn't know if she was able to get pregnant easy or if it was a struggle. I probably didn't know her well enough to ask such a personal question and feared i may have scared her off. I of all people should be more sensitive than that and should have known better. Thankfully her response was something to the effect of soon or in a couple years. Whheeeewww that was a relief!!!!

When people ask me "when are you having another one?" in reference to having more kids I usually answer "I probably won't." Ouch, that's probably not the right answer and not what people want to hear, but it's the truth. In no way do I mean for my answer to be a harsh one and it doesn't have anything to do with not liking children. Yes, there is a part of me who wants more, who wants to feel the feeling if a baby kicking in my belly and all the attention that comes with pregnancy, but in reality that isn't how it will go down. 

Long story short I was told I wouldn't be able to have children. I got the news at a routine doctors appointment and then didn't tell my husband about it. Can you say denial??? I just didn't want to believe it and ignored it until I started to have some "problems". Hubby and I went to the doctor and got the hard facts that I would not be able to have a baby. Worst day of my life. A month later got in to see fertility specialist and found out I was almost 3 months pregnant. Amazing day!!! There is no medical reason why I got pregnant and had Addyson. We know it is a miracle ad I thank God for my precious miracle baby every day.

So when some stranger on the playground asks when I'm having "another one" I cringe. Mostly because Im just so grateful for the one child I have, but also because I don't want to, and shouldn't have to, go into the whole  "I wasn't supposed to get preggo story" with a complete stranger. 

Yes, we could "try again" but I honestly don't want to. I don't want to face another day like the day my husband and I stood alone in the parking garage holding each other while we wept. All the dreams we had for a family crushed. So many unanswered questions and tears. No thank you, I never want  to experience those feelings again!

I'd like to enjoy the days I have with my rambunctious two year old who likes to watch Curious George and have tea parties. So please don't ask the dreaded question unless you are ready for an honest answer. Or even an answer of "I don't know". I believe that if I was to get pregnant again it would be a miracle, (all pregnancies are) but I don't want to test God, I don't want to ask "what ifs". 

Also, please don't judge us for having an only child. Our only child is an incredible child and I'm so excited to see what The Lord has planned for her life. 

I can now admit I was once one of the people who judged families with only children. It wasn't actually till I got to really know an only child teenager in one of our youth ministries, that I was able to appreciate all that families with only children get to experience. For us this is a cherished thing because from our fertility struggle and the  empty arms and longing for children many couples experience, we are choosing to appreciate the gift of having an only child. I am excited for the things that she will get to do that she may not be able to do if she had siblings. On a pastors and social workers salary we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We choose to look at the advantages andopportunities our   Addyson gets to experience.

Okay, I have ranted long enough...I just had to get my thoughts out...

So...if you really want to know the answer feel free to ask the dreaded question but please don't feel sorry for me or my only child. We are choosing to be fully present in the moment!

The Dangers of "What Ifs"

The past couple of days my mind has been drowning in "what ifs". These questions have soaked up more of my thinking than I would like to admit and so I turn to writing. The only thing that has helped me empty my mind allowing for clarity seems to be blogging these days.

The "what if" questions are flooding my mind like a tsunami. This tidal wave thinking has caused me to doubt and is a danger to my soul. 

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans? 

"What if God did this....?" 

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?"

"What if we lost our jobs?"

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?"

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" 

"What if..."

They are the questions that have filled my mind but I haven't had the courage to vocalize. They are dangerous questions that even as I type cause me to be overwhelmed with doubt, embarrassment and fear. "What if" questions are dangerous to relationships, churches, and do not honor God.

How do I stop the "what if" thoughts? If I know they are not from The Lord and I am called to take every thought captive to the lordship of Christ but how do I pull myself out of the current and onto shore?  These dangerous questions take my focus off the one who already knows the answer. (I know insert cheesy Sunday School answer here). But the "what if" questions more importantly take my focus off the present, they prevent me from living fully present in the moment.

Maybe it isn't possible for me to stop this kind of thinking? Is it a lack of faith? I don't think so...I think it shows more faith to honestly address the "what ifs". That may not be the correct  Sunday School answer, but I don't care. The only way I am finding that I can make the "what if" tidal wave keep from taking me under is to cry out to God. To literally think and then say the names of God aloud.

Jehovah Jireh- my provider
Jehovah Nissi- you reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom- my prince of peace

Jehovah Rapha- my healer 
Jehovah Shammah- always with me
Jehovah Sabaoth- my strong deliverer

For me I need to address the "what if" questions head on.

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"     Jehovah shammah, my God is always with me.

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans?  Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if God did this....?" Jehovah Sabaoth, He is my strong deliver.

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?" Jehovah Nissi, God reigns in victory... no matter what.

"What if we lost our jobs?" Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?" Jehovah Rapha, my healer.

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" Jehovah Shalom, He is my prince of peace.

"What if..." Jehovah shammah, The Lord is always with me.

Do you need freedom from the "what if" tidal waves? Answering the "what if" questions with Biblical truth saves me from drowning. Calling on the names of God is helping me be fully preset in the moment today.

Mama Moments

There are times when I need what I call "Mama Moments". These are intentional times spent with like minded mamas. Mamas who understand the busyness of motherhood. Mama moments are also quiet moments alone. Sometimes these are the most important kind of moments for helping a toddler mamas remain grounded. 

Throughout the two years of my motherhood journey I have been blessed with some amazing mamas to help me along. In Florida I was blessed with an amazing mommy group and a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. I also had an amazing fellow ministry wife who was further along on the motherhood journey that really came beside me and still is one of the mamas I look up to and ask my crazy mom questions to. 

When we moved to Nashville, I immediately looked for a MOPS group and found that there wasn't one near where we lived. Before even making the move I prayed that The Lord would help me meet some mom friends knowing how vital they are on this journey. God really blessed me with a church full of moms. Many of which have been mothers for longer. I have found that being surrounded by other mothers is a blessing and a curse. More mothers means more mothering opinions. More mothering opinions means well...more opinions. This can be a good and bad thing.

 I have been blessed with some wonderful "Mommy Warriors." This morning we met around a small table in a local coffee shop and shared our hearts. There is something wonderful that happens in those mama moments. It is a blessing to have friends who know me and love me anyways. I am thankful for friends who know when you are putting on a happy face and even when they don’t have the words, they are there. Being fully present in the moment with you.

 I shared about my work frustrations and feeling a lack of satisfaction with my work. Being in an administrative position has been a switch in focus for me as I am used to being in direct contact with people. Working individually with children and parents has brought me such satisfaction in the past. Helping me feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day, but my current job lacks that. Today in the mama moments my fellow mommy warrior said exactly what I needed to hear. She said that my sense of satisfaction is that I am working to provide for my family. I have to admit, I would do anything to be able to stay home with my precious girl, but the Lord has provided a job for me with insurance and this is all the satisfaction I need. Knowing that I am able to provide something that we need. I guess it takes a Mommy Warrior to state the obvious...it's exactly what I needed today. 

 I know that I am a better mom because I take Mama Moments. Making the time to fellowship with friends is important but perhaps the most important mama moment I had was after I came home, took a nap (a rare thing for my usual busy Saturdays) and then spent time with my God. Praying and crying out to Him is what helps me more than any breakfast and coffee with my mommy friends ever could. I really believe that all moms need to have a mentor mom and have a mom that they mentor. 

The moms that God has placed in my life, those who are local and those who are well, not so local, are critical to the effectiveness of my mama-bility. They encourage me, challenge me, and pray for me. But more importantly all moms need to make and take time to spend in quiet moments alone with God. I think the world we live in, social media and even something as fun as pintrest shake my mommy skills and confidence. There are days when I feel totally inadequate and even days when I feel over confident in my mothering abilities. These are the times when I need Mama Moments the most, moments with fellow moms and moments alone. I'm still learning about this mothering thing. I guess I always will be learning since each age and stage brings new challenges. Above all I am choosing to be fully present in the mama moments.