The Dreaded Question: "when are you having more kids?"

It is the elephant in the room at nearly any function where children are present. You ask it at church, in the hallways of Mother's Day Out, around restaurant tables, at the park, at Homecoming and at family get togethers. The dreaded "so when are you going to have another child"? A question that makes me cringe and feel flustered every time I hear it asked of parents. Usually the mom and dad look at each other and begin to delve into a long winded time table answer based on ages and stages of current children. Sometimes the answer is based on those pesky biological clocks. But my answer isn't what you'd expect.

I cringe at the question because I never know how to answer. Sometimes I want to scream "why does it matter, can't you see I have an amazing child right here?" Other times I want to crawl under the table and avoid all talk of pregnancy babies and more kids. Since neither of those options are socially acceptable I usually stand red faced and look at my hubby for help in answering the dreaded question. And let me tell you... people practically began asking it the moment she came out of the womb. 

Why do we as a society have this obsession with asking way too personal of questions? Do we like to see people look flustered and stutter for an answer?

Before I get all up on my soap box let me first say I'm guilty. I'm guilty of asking the dreaded question and guilty of being all too curious about people's personal lives. I think I have become way better at not asking stupid questions but even a couple weeks ago I asked a new friend if her and her husband were planning on having more children. As soon as the words left my mouth i cringed wanting to take them back because I didn't know my new friends story. I didn't know if she was able to get pregnant easy or if it was a struggle. I probably didn't know her well enough to ask such a personal question and feared i may have scared her off. I of all people should be more sensitive than that and should have known better. Thankfully her response was something to the effect of soon or in a couple years. Whheeeewww that was a relief!!!!

When people ask me "when are you having another one?" in reference to having more kids I usually answer "I probably won't." Ouch, that's probably not the right answer and not what people want to hear, but it's the truth. In no way do I mean for my answer to be a harsh one and it doesn't have anything to do with not liking children. Yes, there is a part of me who wants more, who wants to feel the feeling if a baby kicking in my belly and all the attention that comes with pregnancy, but in reality that isn't how it will go down. 

Long story short I was told I wouldn't be able to have children. I got the news at a routine doctors appointment and then didn't tell my husband about it. Can you say denial??? I just didn't want to believe it and ignored it until I started to have some "problems". Hubby and I went to the doctor and got the hard facts that I would not be able to have a baby. Worst day of my life. A month later got in to see fertility specialist and found out I was almost 3 months pregnant. Amazing day!!! There is no medical reason why I got pregnant and had Addyson. We know it is a miracle ad I thank God for my precious miracle baby every day.

So when some stranger on the playground asks when I'm having "another one" I cringe. Mostly because Im just so grateful for the one child I have, but also because I don't want to, and shouldn't have to, go into the whole  "I wasn't supposed to get preggo story" with a complete stranger. 

Yes, we could "try again" but I honestly don't want to. I don't want to face another day like the day my husband and I stood alone in the parking garage holding each other while we wept. All the dreams we had for a family crushed. So many unanswered questions and tears. No thank you, I never want  to experience those feelings again!

I'd like to enjoy the days I have with my rambunctious two year old who likes to watch Curious George and have tea parties. So please don't ask the dreaded question unless you are ready for an honest answer. Or even an answer of "I don't know". I believe that if I was to get pregnant again it would be a miracle, (all pregnancies are) but I don't want to test God, I don't want to ask "what ifs". 

Also, please don't judge us for having an only child. Our only child is an incredible child and I'm so excited to see what The Lord has planned for her life. 

I can now admit I was once one of the people who judged families with only children. It wasn't actually till I got to really know an only child teenager in one of our youth ministries, that I was able to appreciate all that families with only children get to experience. For us this is a cherished thing because from our fertility struggle and the  empty arms and longing for children many couples experience, we are choosing to appreciate the gift of having an only child. I am excited for the things that she will get to do that she may not be able to do if she had siblings. On a pastors and social workers salary we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We choose to look at the advantages andopportunities our   Addyson gets to experience.

Okay, I have ranted long enough...I just had to get my thoughts out...

So...if you really want to know the answer feel free to ask the dreaded question but please don't feel sorry for me or my only child. We are choosing to be fully present in the moment!