When Love Hurts

Sometimes love hurts. I'm not talking about the silly junior high, my life is over breakup or when your crush doesn't like you kind of hurt. I'm talking about how my heart feels when someone I love doesn't love or even see a need for God. I'm talking about the person who debates with you for the sake of debating or maybe for the sake of the argument. The heart break I'm  taking about is for the one that grew up in the "good christian home" but doesn't see a need for God. The one who turns from the truth they have heard their whole life. The heartbreak I struggle with is knowing there may be nothing I can do or say to "convince" them to embrace that truth, to embrace God.

Love hurts when the people you love the most don't love the One you love the most. Why can't the riches of Gods love be enough for them? What do they long for when the One who longs for them is ignored? What is more important than a relationship with their Creator? What happens when we have nothing in common? Will our relationship fade into nothingness? How do I teach my daughter to love others when sometimes loving others is painful? 

My mind and heart is full of these and many more questions. How do I love people who at times feel unloveable? How can I ask God to break my heart for the things and people who breaks His heart when my heart is, well broken in pieces? Can love alone mend a broken heart? Human love, love in my own strength can't. And yet we are called to love. Our calling as Christians is to love God and love others. That is a high calling. A calling that can not be accomplished in my own strength. 

Before I re-met (we originally met in college and got reconnected through Facebook) my amazing husband, I had a major crush on a guy. I liked this guy so much and yet nothing I did or said managed to get his full attention. I desired so much to be married and settled down that I probably would have done just about anything to get this guy to give me the time of day. I was convinced that one date with him was all it would take for us to fall in love and ride off into the sunset. Ha ha ha... boy was I wrong. I tried to get this guy to like me and it never worked. Feelings of inadequacy and lies of not being pretty or skinny enough for him flodded my mind and heart after our first date never really resulted in another. It's funny how things don't work out so that other things can work out. 

My husband is the best fit for me. Not only do I know he loves me unconditionally, I know that our hearts desire is to serve The Lord and serve others together. This is such a gift. Not only does he make me laugh but my hubby and I balance each other out. His weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. Early on in our relationship, I realized I didn't have to try to get his attention or make him like me. He pursued me. God cultivated our relationship. We pursue each other and both strive to serve each other through loving and respecting each other. I can't imagine loving and serving him and not having my hubby love me in return.

 It hurts me when people we care about and love don't desire God in their life. I can't imagine how God feels when His children don't love Him and how much His heart breaks for them. The pain I feel pales in comparison to that kind of heart breaking love. Yet God pursues each of us and longs for a relationship with us, his children. 

How do I continue to love those who don't love the most important thing in my life? How do I love someone who doesn't believe in God? All I know to do is pray. To pray harder. To pray without ceasing.

I am thankful for the relentless pursuit God has for me. I want to relentlessly pursue Him. I want to love others even when it hurts. I want to love others even when they don't care. I don't want to give up on them. I won't give up on them.

Even when it hurts I will love. I will continue to pursue them, to embrace them, to pray for them. I guess I'm still learning what exactly that kind of love looks likes.

All I know is that sometimes being fully present in the moment hurts.

Home is...

Growing up when people would ask "where are you from?" I never knew how to answer. Even to this day the question stumps me. Similar to military brats, pastors kids don't necessarily have a place to call home. As a kid, and even into college I would often grow frustrated when people would ask where I'm from. The easy answer was always "umm I'm from all over". 

I have learned to embrace the uniqueness of growing up as a pastors kid and the advantages it has. Of course I haven't always been able to recognize them as advantages. Honestly, I'm still in search for the advantages...but that's another post for another day.

You gotta love the cheesy saying "home is where the heart is." What does that even mean??? In recent days I have realized the importance of "home" and tonight, surrounded by family I know where my home is. It's funny that my parents have lived in Michigan the longest they have ever lived anywhere...of course they moved here while I was in college. Thirteen years have gone by and this is the place that most feels like home. Maybe because I moved here for graduate school and stayed here to work. Maybe because it's where I had my first 2 apartments and the addresses that I chose. Maybe because it's where we took our teens this past summer for a mission trip. I guess the obvious answer is because it's where my parents live, but I really think this is the place I would most call home because...

Home is...where I feel safe. 

Home is... Where you laugh so hard you cry and forget what you were even laughing about.

Home is...curled up on the couch under the blanket your mom made for you.

Home is...the jammies your hubby gives you on Christmas Eve because he knows "it's tradition".

Home is...traditions that are carried from generation to generation.

Home is...family huddled around food in the kitchen.

Home is...Christmas Eve service at West Flint Nazarene church. 

Home is...hugging friends you haven't seen for years and feeling like you just saw them yesterday.

Home is...wherever Addyson is.

Home is... Where people don't necessarily understand your quirks but love you anyways.

Home is...love.

Home is...telling funny stories with family.

Home is...holding my husbands hand.

Home is...where your little brother, who is not so little anymore, throws raw carrots across the room at you just to get a reaction from you.

Home is... Not being the first to let go of a hug.

Home is...where I am fully present in the moment.

When God is Silent

December 17th. Living with OCD I have always had an issue with numbers. Numbers and counting make the obsessive thoughts subside but fuel the compulsions. For example, I love even numbers but my favorite number is 5. I know it doesn't make sense. I'm always telling my hubby "don't try to figure it out just accept it". December 17 is one of those days/numbers that I hate.

The emotions that flood my mind and heart can't be ignored so I turn to the computer keys to process. In therapeutic fashion blogging is my release. When my alarm went of this morning, the image of standing in the parking garage clinging to my hubby, my rock, and feeling his body shake as the tears fell came flooding back. The worst had just been confirmed. Words like "impossible", "no explanation" , and "bad ovaries" echoed in my mind. Even though I had been told the year before I wouldn't be able to get pregnant I was in denial. It wasn't until December 17, 2010 that reality hit. The doctor didn't really understand why my body wouldn't be able to house a baby, but with fertility specialist appointment card in hand we left the hospital. We stood there cars parked all around us and cried holding each other. I don't remember the drive home or even the hours that followed. 

That night I was supposed to go to celebrate a friends birthday by going to a mandisa concert. Andy encouraged me to still go. I had no strength to even get out of bed much less celebrate a birthday with a concert. Before meeting up with friends, our church secretary met us in the parking lot and with tsunami like waves the news spilled out. Through sobs I shared the news and she held me. We cried together and then reapplied our makeup and went to join the festivities.

That night Johnny Diaz opened the concert and sang a song called "Waiting Room". The tears fell again and the words hit like an arrow to my broken heart. 

Here in this waiting room

Yearning for You to say go
And though I'm convinced that a yes would be best
This time You're telling me no

It's not that you don't have an answer
It's just not the one that I'd like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You're always wiser than I

I wish I could say those song lyrics restored my hope, by the days that followed were filled with anger, questioning and sadness. I tried to pray and seek The Lord but all was silent. Have you ever felt like God was silent? It was as if the mute button was pushed and I couldn't hear anything. Not only did I not understand how this could be part of God's plan but I couldn't find the words to pray. How could a loving God not give me the thing I longed for most?

 It was a silent struggle, one Andy and I didn't share with many people. We each handled it in our own way. I turned to journaling to try to process it and read a book called "Silent God" in hopes of understanding why he was being, well...silent. Some days all I could say was the name of Jesus and yet in those moments it was okay. 

The important thing was knowing that even though I felt like God was silent his silence didn't mean He wasn't there. I often pictured him right there next to me crying along side me and even visualized Him passing the tissue box my way. 

The rest of the story? Andy and I found ourself in the same parking garage with a sonogram picture in hand. We were scheduled to meet with a specialist, and as procedure went, we had an untra sound to see what the "bad ovaries" looked like and the tech said "you're pregnant". " Nope I'm the one who can't get pregnant and thats why we are here" I replied. She showed me the screen and my babies heartbeat. The moments that followed were filled with joy, questioning and disbelief. We met with our doctor as she brought other doctors and nurses in to look at my chart. We were told there is no medical explanation for why/how we got pregnant. We told them "it's ok...we know it is a miracle". 

Whatever you are facing today, December 17, I pray that you would know that God is with you. Today on December 17, 2013, I am sitting on the couch with my precious miracle baby with the sound of Arthur in the background. 

If you are going through a time when you feel like God is silent...He hasn't abandoned you. He loves you and is big enough to handle your doubts, questions and yes, even anger. He is with you!

Today I'm remembering this day 3 years ago and thankful for what it represents. Today I am living fully present in the moment!

The Gift of Time

This Christmas season I can't help but think of the greatest gift, Gods son being born as a baby and the excitment that it brought. Of course before I was married if an angel of The Lord came to me saying I would bear a son I would have been a little freaked out. When I think of the Christmas story I can't help but think of time. Maybe a little odd that is what comes to mind but bear with me....

Time is the greatest gift we can ever give. Thinking about the time it took for Mary and Joseph to travel in "bible time" overwhelms me. Not to mention traveling  on a donkey or by foot that far is something I wouldn't want to do, especially being mego preggo. And then the time the wise men and shepherds took to travel to see baby Jesus and the time they spent with him. 

Time is a valuable gift we give others. Growing up my parents always had "coffee time" after dinner. My brother and I weren't allowed to bother them unless there was blood or fire. It was that quality time they spent together that modeled for my brother and I the importance of relationship. Their example and the way they guarded that time for each other showed us that their relationship was important.

Time doesn't cost much but could be the most valuable gift we give the people we love. Andy and I meet for coffee and to go over our calendars together. It's like our own family staff meeting where we talk about upcoming youth events, brainstorm ideas and connect as a couple. We need to get in a regular habit of having date nights but life seems to always get in the way. I think the busyness of ministry and lack of babysitter funds are excuses that prevent us from spending kid free time together. We need to fix that in 2014! 

One of the things I am most grateful for are the mommy warriors The Lord has placed in my life this year. We try to get together every couple of weeks to connect and hold each other accountable. This is a gift I give myself. I still fight the mommy guilt but know that I am a better mommy because of the time I spend with these ladies. 

Every night before putting addyson to bed we spend time together as a family. We laugh and read stories. Some nights we read from Addyson's devotion bible or "Jesus Calling for kids". But every night we pray together. This is the thing I look forward to most each day. Because it doesn't matter what the day holds I know that at the end of the day I will spend time with my two favorite people.

I'm 13 days into my core challenge. I have absolutely loved not being on Facebook. I wouldn't say I love the physical part of the core challenge but I am able to hold a plank for 1 minute. The goal is at the end of the month to hold it for 5 minutes. Ouch!!! Detoxing from Facebook has forced me to spend more time engaged in reality and I feel so much better for it. I love moments of tea parties, coloring and reading books with Addyson. Not that I didn't do that before or can't do those things with Facebook in my life but I feel so much more present in the moment instead of being consumed with what others are doing, look like and have. 

So in the days that lead up to Christmas I would challenge you to make time for  people. Spend quality time with the people who mean the most to you and  make memories. For me it means focusing the attention on others and not my own fears. I want to be so fully preset in the moment that the OCD monster can't rear it's ugly head this Christmas. I want to give the people I love the gift of my time. I want to give myself the gift of being fully present in the moment with my family.

The Gift of Tradition

Growing up in a pastors family we rarely spent holidays with extended family. When I was younger I never realized how much I was missing out on because my parents always made holidays special. Traditions are a big part of why holidays are special to me. The thought of doing something each year that brings to mind memories of the previous years is so meaningful. 

My hubby jokes that I make a new tradition up each year and that if we do the same thing twice it automatically becomes a "tradition." That may or may not be true, but I can't help that I love traditions!

Traditions are the most valuable gift we can give our families and that is why I am so big on keeping them going and even making new ones. We may not be able to give Addyson the biggest and best things for Christmas but we can pass on gift of tradition. The memories she makes are ones she can pass on to her family in the future and the legacy of our family will carry on.

Little things like stockings on Christmas morning...are great but wouldn't be the same if they didn't have an orange in the bottom of them. My grandmother used to put an orange  in the foot of the Christmas stockings when my mom was a kid and mom passed it on to us. It's tradition!

Traditions can be silly things like the way I always make cheese sculptures to go with our Christmas Eve snacks each year. I mean nothing says Christmas like a nativity scene made out of Colby jack! 

One of my favorite things about Christmas are Christmas cards. I love looking at each one and displaying them. Six years ago I began saving the cards. Not in a horder way but as a reminder to pray for friends and family throughout the year. At the end of December I put all the Christmas cards on a ring and hang them in our kitchen. Everytime I see the card it reminds me to pray for the family that sent it. Throughout the year on Sunday nights I flip to the next card and pray for the next family throughout the week. It's a little tradtion that I love! So if you want to be prayed for send me a Christmas card!

Traditions evolve as families grow. When Andy and I got married we started new traditions like watching a Christmas movie as we decorate our tree. Our first Christmas as a married couple we were living in Florida and I really struggled to get into the Christmas spirit so one night we went to Starbucks for coffee and drove around town looking for Christmas lights. It is a tradition we do every year and one that I am most looking forward to now that Addyson is getting older. 

There are many more traditions I could share but don't have to time. I know not everyone has traditions and realize the holidays may not bring happy memories to mind. Some have experienced loss this year and the holidays are a reminder of what is missing in their lives. For you my hurting friend, traditions can be what keeps your fondest memories alive. Some may be from broken families and holidays just mean splitting time between people you love. Take the best memories or traditions and re create them this year. For others this year is different from any other year as for you I would say start a new tradition this year! Whatever you face this Christmas I encourage you to embrace the gift of traditions and live fully present in the moment!

What are your favorite traditions?

30 Day Core Challenge

Day 1: today starts my 30 day plank challenge. Instead of following the January resolution trend, I decided to start the month before working on building a stronger core. This month I'm not only working to build a stronger physical core but also want and need to build a stronger spiritual core. For me this means eliminating things that don't honor God. For me one of these things is Facebook. I have grown to have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love seeing pictures of friends and family and I love sharing pics as well but I hate the feelings I have after spending time on Facebook. For me it's not only a thing that at times makes me feel bad about my self but it is something that is stealing my attention from the things that are important in my life, Addyson and Andy. So today begins my Facebook fast. 

Day 7: so far so good...this week I was faced with some major anxiety challenges but facing them head on.  Completed all my core challenge days so far and spent time with my God. It's no wonder that I'm facing an increase in OCD triggers...satan knows I'm getting serious about building a stronger physical and spiritual core. I'm working harder. I'm so thankful for a God and friends who stick by me! 

When I was in grad school one of my professors taught us about anxiety by beginning class with a mouse trap for each student. He then showed us how to disengage the mouse trap without it pinching our fingers. We all had to try to unset it without getting pinched. It was the best visual explanation for what anxiety feels like. We knew how to disengage the trap but were all afraid to actually do it. That is anxiety! In moments of anxiety I know what to do to stop it but I  let fear override my knowledge. Kind of funny how even with all my social work knowledge I can help everyone else withtheir  "stuff" but struggle with snapping out of my own issues. I am comforted by knowing it is a process. 

I feel good about the way the Facebook detox is shaping my journey. To be honest, I think my smart phone has become a chain that has me in captivity to so many things that distract me. So each moment this week that I want to get on Facebook I have gone to my bible app. Psalm 94 has been a source of strength for me this week. "When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. "(Psalm 94:18, 19 NIV)

Living fully present in the moment.