the day i forgot to eat vanilla yogurt for breakfast...

I hear it all the time; "I like things organized, I'm so OCD" or "I have to have a clean house, I'm so OCD" 

You don't hear people casually saying things like "I'm going bald, I'm so cancer" or "Im gaining/loosing weight, I'm so diabetic". Why do we think we can casually use OCD as an adjective?! 

If you know me well, you know my story. You may even be one of the few people who know the deepest darkest parts of my story. You may be one of the people who sat with me while I cried or waited out one of the compulsive monsters that I battle daily. You may be a person who doesn't understand me. You think I can just "snap out of it" or that I'm crazy. Maybe you are the person who casually says "I'm so OCD" like it's a changing style or honor badge. Maybe you love someone with OCD and you have asked me questions about how to support them, (I love when you do that by the way).You might even be the person who notices silly things like how I always sit in the same place or go in a certain door. You laughed at/with me as I label things. You see my love for organization. You may have even noticed all the bible verses on post it notes I have in my car and in my house. Maybe you don't understand how someone who looks like they have it all together could be paralyzed in fear of people coughing and sneezing.

When you have boxed up an entire apartment to help your sister move because counting has overtaken her brain you might understand how paralyzing it is to be "sooo OCD." Until you have bandaged split, raw, picked at hands or come into your daughters house to open the blinds and make her walk around the block, you don't know what it's like to be "soooo OCD." The day you hold me while I sob on the couch afraid to go away for a weekend. Or when I'm away on a trip and warn others about not touching my bed, might be the moment when you start to understand the exhaustion of being "sooo OCD". Or when you are frustrated with me because all I do is sleep. Or when you have to drive me home because I can't handle the mall. When you eat at the same place for weeks because my brain is stuck. You don't know what it's like to be "sooo OCD" until you have sat across from me encouraging me to take just one bite and then another because the fears are suffocating me. Unless you can't shower for days or shower 4 times a day, you don't know how time consuming it is to be "sooo OCD." When you arrive early to counseling in case the right parking spot isn't free and you have to drive around the parking lot till your spot is open, you don't know how frustrating being "sooo OCD" feels. It's when you love your wife so much that you can sit across from her while she explains all the bad things that happened because she didn't eat vanilla yogurt for breakfast and say you don't understand it but it's going to be okay.

I am thankful for a husband, brother, parents, counselors, cousins, aunts and friends who support me while I fight the OCD monstor that can easily consume me. They know why it hurts me when I hear people flippantly say "I'm sooo OCD." They also know I am not defined by OCD. 

For me and the estimated 1 in 100 people who really are "sooo OCD" please think before you speak.

Confessions of a Youth Pastor's Wife

Never say never. When I was a teenager I remember saying I'm never gonna marry a pastor when I grow up. More dangerous words were never spoken. Let me tell ya that's crazy talk folks. Never say never cause that may be the exact thing God has planned for your life and that's exactly what happened to me.

It hit me last night while worshiping with 6,500 teenagers that this is what I said I didn't want as a teenager. I didn't want to marry a pastor, and that's exactly what happened. Kinda funny how God works.  As I stood besides my youth pastor hubby and our teens singing "we just want to see you move, Lord do what you want to, do what you want to do." We sang words like "Lord I come, and I confess, bowing here I find my rest. Lord I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you." What an unforgettable experience and truly the cry of my heart.

Averaging five hours a sleep each night this week brings a whole new meaning to the words "I need you, every hour I need you." They say confession is good for the soul, so this tired youth pastors wife has a few things to confess.

-I hate icebreaker and group games. I understand the point behind these "getting to know you" youth group staples but this introvert can't handle it and so I will be on the sidelines with the other introverts who hate the games.

-I actually love pizza for dinner but not when it comes from the place that gives churches a "good deal" and is served cold and has been touched by hands that have been who knows where.

-The youth budget is never big enough and we usually end up spending way more money out of pocket to make that event happen than our personal budget can handle.

-Parents, when you complain that trips cost too much money or want to know when the next fundraiser is I totally get it. I'm pinching pennies too and I'm right here fundraising because my way isn't paid for...but we have to have a female sponsor...so I'm fundraising right there with you. So please stop complaining.

-On youth trips I get up super early. Sometimes this is the only way to guarantee a hot shower but I gullet up before the other girls mainly because I spend these quiet moments of the morning alone praying for our teens by name.

 

-As a youth pastors wife I have to confess there are times in youth ministry when it would be so much easier to just stay home. The human, overly tired side of me often has to bite my tongue, count to 10 or look for the closest Starbucks. I love teens anyways. I love them despite of their negativity, silly fads, and complaining. I just love and drink lots of coffee.

-Sometimes I get more out of the message than any of our teens. I'm always so proud of my hubby when I hear him speak from the heart. He has a heart that loves God and loves others. 

-My hubby has way more patience with teenagers than I do. He knows how to get them all pumped up, how to plan a great event on a shoestring budget. He can fill up water balloons, gets excited about meeting teens and eating sushi and mentoring them over a cup of coffee. He will stop what he's doing and answer their texts, he goes to their games, plays and even dance recitals. I am a little embarrassed to admit that sometimes I think I can do his job better, but reality is that I can't. I can't even come close because God called him to this ministry, not me. As his wife I want to support him even when I want to run far away from junior highers I stand with him.

-I see the hurt and pain that comes with the unseen hidden sides of youth ministry. I cry and hurt when I hear the stories of the broken parts of teenagers lives. When they confide in me and tell me things they don't want anyone to know. When my hubby questions if that event was fun enough, when he feels dissapointed in the number of teens there on wednesdsy and when he gets frustrated with the youth workers who just stop coming or when parents complain. We hurt too. And we often don't have someone to confide in and complain to. So sometimes we hold it all in. Sometimes we quit doing ministry all together and sometimes we hang on for dear life. Sometimes I get to sit down with other youth pastors wives and hear their stories, cry with them and then say "just keep moving forward".

So on the last night of this youth trip I'm asking that if you are reading this you would pray for me and all the fellow youth pastors wives out there. Pray for us and our husbands, pray we keep moving forward. Pray we show Gods love in a real authentic life changing way to the teens around us. We could use a little sleep, patience, and a Carmel macchiato wouldn't hurt.

Here's to being fully present in the moment even with bags under my eyes.

Stair counting, sleeping bag, & selfies...

I'm the first to admit I love "Nazarene World" and being with 6,500 nazarene teens this week at Nazarene Youth Conference I'm experiencing so many emotions. It's amazing how I attended NYC in 1999 as a teenager and now in 2015 I'm here with my youth pastor hubby and our C3 teens. 

Overnight trips have a way of triggering my OCD monster yet I am amazed how the Lord has given me peace in the midst of my OCD demons. As we sit in the van waiting to go to our work site I can actually say I'm having a good time. I'm definitely missing my miracle baby and can tell you there are 46 stairs from where we park our van and the hotel lobby. If you don't know counting is an OCD villian for me. 

If you or someone you love has OCD you know there are certain triggers that can cause the obsessive thoughts to derail into compulsive actions. For me traveling and being away from home is a major trigger. I remember crying for hours before every youth trip I went on in as a teenager. Fearful of the unknown, sleeping in an unfamiliar place and all the germs that were out to get me paralyzed me.  Over time I have learned what I need to do in preparation for a trip and during a trip to make life a little easier. One of my favorite things is my sleeping bag. It is the most wonderful thing and helps me sleep away from home. Like a force field of sorts. I love it and the girls in our youth group know not to touch it. I'm thankful for  understanding teens who just look at me like I'm crazy. "You do you, Ashley" one of them said nonchalantly when I pulled it out.

I'm thankful for a hubby who knows me and loves me anyways. His random "are you okay?" questions, good night texts, and selfies make life interesting and make me feel loved. 

Life is good. God is greater than all my fears and is much bigger than any disorder, especially OCD. I am thankful for a God who brings freedom to the captives and restores the broken parts of lives, especially mine. 

I pray that God uses me and this blog to help others know that in Christ there is freedom! I want more than anything for the teens in our youth ministry to experience God's freedom this week.

Im being fully present in the moment...even when surrounded by 6,500 teenagers!

"Please put your mask on first and then assist your daughter."

It seems like everyone around me is buying a house, having a baby, or both. Why does it seem like just when I feel at peace in my heart and settled in my mind about my life things creep up to distract me from the peace I have? Feelings of loneliness flood my heart and mind. Doubt, fear and uncertainty creep in and feed these lies of insecurity. Help me God! Help my focus to be on the certainty I find in you. My identity and self esteem can't be found in on Facebook, Pinterest or Instagram, but is only in Christ alone. Comparison is the thief of joy. I need my joy again. Help me to "be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 

These are the words I wrote in my journal on May 28, 2015 after a cry fest. I had only been off work (for the summer) for 6 days and was feeling the OCD monster rearing it's ugly head. The fun of sleeping in only lasts a couple days in my world and lack of routine is very dangerous. With Addyson still finishing preschool and thinking ahead to the 5 trips that would make up for a busy summer. I remember crawling back into bed and crying alone. This can be a dangerous slippery slope for me but looking back it was so very much needed. Out of that pain I wrote the above words and prayed that God would get my attention in a very real and raw way this summer. This is a scary thing to pray for and as a word of caution, don't ever pray for this unless you are ready for God to show up in a life changing way.

Fast forward a couple weeks and after attending our church's district assembly and senior high youth camp Addyson and I were on our way to Michigan for a week with Poppy and GMama while Andy spent a week at junior high camp. I was so looking forward to a little down time. 

That's when it happened. God got my attention in a real way! As we waited in the airplane for take off, the flight attendant came to our row and in a nonchalant almost robotic way said to me "please put your mask on first and then assist your daughter." She walked away almost as quickly as she spoke and  within minutes the safety instructions began and we took off for Michigan. It wasn't until we got into the air that it really hit me. Obviously the point of her statement is that in an emergency and if the oxygen masks were needed, in order for me to really be able to help my child, I would need to be alive, and I would have to put my mask on first. I have flown many times with Addyson and never once had the flight attendant personally tell me to put my mask on first, but I know that this statement was made to me for a reason.

Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of everything and everyone that I neglect to take care of the important things. I'm easily susceptible of doing good things and serving others yet neglecting to make time for me and God. There is always something to do, mommy duties to fulfill, something to clean or a bill to pay and at the end of the day I think what just happened? Where did the time go? I get caught in the comparison trap and sticky "I'm not good enough" web of lies and neglect the truth. Being intentional about spending time in Gods word, talking to Him, listening to Him and being fully present in His presence is what my heart is really longing for. 

So now that's it's July and we are leaving tomorrow for our 5th and final trip of the summer, I am more determined than ever to make sure to "put my mask on first". I recognize now more than ever that in order for me to really be a good Mom, wife, youth leader, and person who serves and loves the Kingdom I have to take care of me first. I have to make my relationship with Christ more of a priority than any of the other relationships or people in my life. This is the only way I will ever have a heart like Christ and love like He loved. This is the only way I can be effective in helping others.

To be fully present I have to begin with being fully present in God's presence.

"This is amazing!"

In a perfect world there would be no car problems, no check engine lights, no oil changes and no flat tires. Nothing stresses me out more then car problems, computer problems or a baby sick in the middle of the night. 

In the midst of two teen camps and an upcoming trip to Boston for a wedding that pesky little check engine light came on in our car. It's the light that tells you you maintenance is required but the thing is (hopefully) there is nothing required for this car... it just has a faulty check engine light. In the lovely state of Tennessee emissions testing is required and of course cars don't pass that have check engine lights on. If only they let me explain to them "hey this car drives great, gets me where I need to go; oh yeah just has a light that seems to stay on". We would be okay but of course my registration for the car expires while we're out of town and needless to say life in youth ministry during June is a busy time so the day before we leave it has to be taken care of. Thankfully we know a guy who knows more about cars than we do and can temporarily fix the check engine light to get the car passed through emissions. With our quickly approaching trip I knew I only had today to get it done. 

I woke up dreading this day and in a somewhat in a grumpy mood knowing that my plans would all be put aside to get the car taken care of. Little did I know I would experience a joy filled moment with my miracle baby Addyson. So I packed up a cooler with water and snacks, we put on our bathing suits, grabbed towels and headed to get the car fixed.  Thankfully within walking distance from the auto shop is the new rec center that has a great pool. Since  we been busy all summer and hadn't had a chance to try it out, today seemed to be the perfect time and I was determined not to let the car issue ruin our day. We dropped off the car and set out for the walk to the pool looking at passing cars trucks and going through a few bumps when the sidewalk ended. Addyson thought it was the greatest adventure but the true moment of joy didn't happen until we arrived at the pool. Of course being the OCD mama that I am I was a little nervous with all the kids splashing and playing with excitement and bummed that I couldn't find a shady spot for the stroller and our stuff. A dad and daughter made room for us and we quickly applied sunscreen and cooled off in the pool. 

We played and Addyson  splashed in excitement, with each moment as she saw other kids swimming underwater, she was determined to give it a try. So with her only experience of the mommy and me swim lesson that she took last year, a bunch of courage and my squeezing my nervous hand she dunked her little head under the water over and over again. This girl has no fear! How could she be my daughter? We swam and played together and then it happened. She dunked her head under and popped up with her goggle eyes she looked up with a huge grin on her face and smiled as she said "mama this is amazing".  It was in that moment that God grabbed my attention this truly was an amazing moment, a fully present in the moment moment. A moment I could have missed if it wasn't for the check engine light coming on. 

I could easily turn this post into a do you need to check your engine? is God your copilot? blog post. But if I'm really honest,  I needed a mommy check engine light to come on and remind me that each moment and day I have with Addyson comes and goes so quickly. I have to cherish the unexpected things in life and recognize them through her eyes. Through her eyes my OCD monster backs down and I can realize how amazing life is. Sometimes the moment is ruined by getting water up your nose or the lifeguards whistle for adult swim but those are just moments to stop and restart or rest. 

So this slightly sunburnt mama is cherishing the maintenance required light and is living fully present in this amazing moment.

You are not alone!

I sat in my car crying as Addyson repeated "sing Mama, sing Mama" from the back seat. My oversized sunglasses hid the salty tears that steamed down my sunburnt face. Lonely is the best way to describe how I felt sitting there in the Target parking lot. I text my hubby who was busy with teens at a youth event and tried to put my week long stuffed down feelings into words that made sense in a text. 

This week I have faced one of the most challenging work situations of my career. In my nearly 10 years as a MSW I have faced a lot of "stuff" but this will probably go down as the most challenging...and unfortunately the challenge is only beginning.

 I have questioned a lot this week and have felt incredibly lonely. I have talked with friends this week who are broken hearted, overwhelmed, facing painful grief and forced to be strong in the most painful moments. I hate the feeling of not being able to do anything to help a hurting friend but to pray. I'm a fixer, I'm a helper, I want to make it all better. Unsure of what to say, I have listened and then cried in the private moments of my day. I have felt more alone. 

I spend a lot of my day driving and I have found great comfort in the words of this Kari Jobe song. I have actually heard it everyday on the radio at some point in my day for the past two weeks. It's funny how The Lord works. It didn't hit me till today that The Lord wanted to bring healing to my lonely soul through these lyrics. 

So...

To my broken hearted teacher friend mourning the loss of your young students life...you are not alone.

To my new mommy friends trying to make sense of this new baby world...you are not alone.

To my grieving friend facing another loss...you are not alone.

To my fellow exausted and sleep deprived moms...you are not alone.

To my fellow pastors wives facing a tiring day of ministry tomorrow...you are not alone. 

To my friends facing another disappointment...you are not alone.

To whoever is reading this through tear filled eyes right now...you are not alone.

As I sat in the Target parking lot with Addyson in the back seat, i am so thankful I was able to hear this song again today at just the right time. Through year filled eyes I sang these words:

 

"I Am Not Alone" (Kari Jobe)

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

Thankful for the promise of dueteronomy 31:8 and to serve a God who goes before me and is with me always. 

Living fully present in the moment.