The Dangers of "What Ifs"

The past couple of days my mind has been drowning in "what ifs". These questions have soaked up more of my thinking than I would like to admit and so I turn to writing. The only thing that has helped me empty my mind allowing for clarity seems to be blogging these days.

The "what if" questions are flooding my mind like a tsunami. This tidal wave thinking has caused me to doubt and is a danger to my soul. 

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans? 

"What if God did this....?" 

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?"

"What if we lost our jobs?"

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?"

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" 

"What if..."

They are the questions that have filled my mind but I haven't had the courage to vocalize. They are dangerous questions that even as I type cause me to be overwhelmed with doubt, embarrassment and fear. "What if" questions are dangerous to relationships, churches, and do not honor God.

How do I stop the "what if" thoughts? If I know they are not from The Lord and I am called to take every thought captive to the lordship of Christ but how do I pull myself out of the current and onto shore?  These dangerous questions take my focus off the one who already knows the answer. (I know insert cheesy Sunday School answer here). But the "what if" questions more importantly take my focus off the present, they prevent me from living fully present in the moment.

Maybe it isn't possible for me to stop this kind of thinking? Is it a lack of faith? I don't think so...I think it shows more faith to honestly address the "what ifs". That may not be the correct  Sunday School answer, but I don't care. The only way I am finding that I can make the "what if" tidal wave keep from taking me under is to cry out to God. To literally think and then say the names of God aloud.

Jehovah Jireh- my provider
Jehovah Nissi- you reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom- my prince of peace

Jehovah Rapha- my healer 
Jehovah Shammah- always with me
Jehovah Sabaoth- my strong deliverer

For me I need to address the "what if" questions head on.

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"     Jehovah shammah, my God is always with me.

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans?  Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if God did this....?" Jehovah Sabaoth, He is my strong deliver.

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?" Jehovah Nissi, God reigns in victory... no matter what.

"What if we lost our jobs?" Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?" Jehovah Rapha, my healer.

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" Jehovah Shalom, He is my prince of peace.

"What if..." Jehovah shammah, The Lord is always with me.

Do you need freedom from the "what if" tidal waves? Answering the "what if" questions with Biblical truth saves me from drowning. Calling on the names of God is helping me be fully preset in the moment today.

Mama Moments

There are times when I need what I call "Mama Moments". These are intentional times spent with like minded mamas. Mamas who understand the busyness of motherhood. Mama moments are also quiet moments alone. Sometimes these are the most important kind of moments for helping a toddler mamas remain grounded. 

Throughout the two years of my motherhood journey I have been blessed with some amazing mamas to help me along. In Florida I was blessed with an amazing mommy group and a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. I also had an amazing fellow ministry wife who was further along on the motherhood journey that really came beside me and still is one of the mamas I look up to and ask my crazy mom questions to. 

When we moved to Nashville, I immediately looked for a MOPS group and found that there wasn't one near where we lived. Before even making the move I prayed that The Lord would help me meet some mom friends knowing how vital they are on this journey. God really blessed me with a church full of moms. Many of which have been mothers for longer. I have found that being surrounded by other mothers is a blessing and a curse. More mothers means more mothering opinions. More mothering opinions means well...more opinions. This can be a good and bad thing.

 I have been blessed with some wonderful "Mommy Warriors." This morning we met around a small table in a local coffee shop and shared our hearts. There is something wonderful that happens in those mama moments. It is a blessing to have friends who know me and love me anyways. I am thankful for friends who know when you are putting on a happy face and even when they don’t have the words, they are there. Being fully present in the moment with you.

 I shared about my work frustrations and feeling a lack of satisfaction with my work. Being in an administrative position has been a switch in focus for me as I am used to being in direct contact with people. Working individually with children and parents has brought me such satisfaction in the past. Helping me feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day, but my current job lacks that. Today in the mama moments my fellow mommy warrior said exactly what I needed to hear. She said that my sense of satisfaction is that I am working to provide for my family. I have to admit, I would do anything to be able to stay home with my precious girl, but the Lord has provided a job for me with insurance and this is all the satisfaction I need. Knowing that I am able to provide something that we need. I guess it takes a Mommy Warrior to state the obvious...it's exactly what I needed today. 

 I know that I am a better mom because I take Mama Moments. Making the time to fellowship with friends is important but perhaps the most important mama moment I had was after I came home, took a nap (a rare thing for my usual busy Saturdays) and then spent time with my God. Praying and crying out to Him is what helps me more than any breakfast and coffee with my mommy friends ever could. I really believe that all moms need to have a mentor mom and have a mom that they mentor. 

The moms that God has placed in my life, those who are local and those who are well, not so local, are critical to the effectiveness of my mama-bility. They encourage me, challenge me, and pray for me. But more importantly all moms need to make and take time to spend in quiet moments alone with God. I think the world we live in, social media and even something as fun as pintrest shake my mommy skills and confidence. There are days when I feel totally inadequate and even days when I feel over confident in my mothering abilities. These are the times when I need Mama Moments the most, moments with fellow moms and moments alone. I'm still learning about this mothering thing. I guess I always will be learning since each age and stage brings new challenges. Above all I am choosing to be fully present in the mama moments.

Lessons I've learned from my 2 year old

Tonight as I drove home from work it hit me...I have been a mom for two years. I feel as if I have hit a motherhood milestone. Sometimes I think wow, I've only been a mom for two years, I have so much to learn. Other days like today I think, wow I have been a mom for two years, I have learned so much! 

Lessons I have learned from my two year old:

-In her eyes reading books together is more important than putting away folded laundry. So if you step foot in her room you will find a pile of books next to a pile of clean laundry.

-Bad mornings can be fixed by taking naps. We all new a do-over from time to time and some days I need the nap more than my two year old.

-To Addyson I am the most beautiful person in the world. Why can't I see myself like she sees me?

-There are moments when I want to stick my two year old in a time out, but what she really needs is my time. I am discovering that in those moments when I hold her and talk quietly in her ear, she settles down in a way that is more effective than any cool down or time out.

-Dancing can make everything better. 

-Boo boos happen and when they do sometimes all you need is to cry and then hear someone say "it's gonna be okay"

-It's okay to skip washing your hair in order to have more time with you kiddo before you have to go to work.

-Addyson doesn't care what kind of car we drive, how big our house is or how much money is in our bank account...she cares much more about tea parties and watching Curious George.

-Working outside the home doesn't make me a bad mom.

-Bath time is way less of a chore when I just plan to get soaked and have lots of towels handy.

-A rough lesson for this OCD mama is that even though the way daddy does things isn't always how I would do it, doesn't mean its better or worse than my way. And as long as Addyson is safe and happy, it's gonna be ok.

-Cleaning up puke is way easier when you are staying in a hotel and have housekeeping available at your finger tips.

-That cute little art project you saw on Pinterest had to have been done by a professional artist and not a mom and a toddler. Cause after our last art project I ended up with marker on my forehead and didn't know until I was getting ready to head out the door for work. We have since invested in washable markers!

-Its really not the end of the world if your toddler insists on wearing dress up clothes to the grocery store. Pick your battles, smile and use it as a teachable moment showing her you are proud of her no matter what strangers say or who stares.

-Avoid telling your toddler that Poppy and Gmama are coming to visit unless they are actually in the drive way and getting out of the  car.

-Do not underestimate the importance of other mommy friends. Make time to get together with them regularly with and without kids.

-Start and end everyday talking to The Lord. Share your struggles, cry out for help, pray for strength, guidance and wisdom. I have learned that when I let my worry rule my mind, I am not honoring The Lord. 

-One of the most important lessons I have learned in all of my two years of experience is that I may not be a perfect mom, but I am the perfect mom for Addyson.

Last I have learned to cherish this stage because I will never again have this day and this moment with my precious Addyson. Be fully present in the moment!

"I will call upon your name"

I keep hearing this song on the radio and I can't get it out of my head. Funny how God speaks to me through odd things like song lyrics or Addyson's laugh or a kid at work. 

This week The Lord has definitely gotten my attention trough the words of this song. And last night as my hubby and I drove to meet some teens at Buffalo Wild Wings we heard it again. The words are so powerful and seem to fit exactly where I'm at right now. 

"When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace" This week I have felt like the waves were sweeping me under. Thankfully today we leave for the D6 conference in Louisville, KY. I am so ready for this time away and to be renewed and encouraged, to learn about how to minister better to families and to be off work so I can spend time with my family. To spend some time resting in Him.

I'm ready to rest in His embrace...living fully present in the moment.

Below is the link to the song Oceans (where feet may fail). 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4JgH9uXHYkY&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4JgH9uXHYkY#

Warning: I'm about to get real honest!

Last night in our small group my hubby and I shared our story. It's funny how daunting the task is when you have the same "I grew up in a christian family" story as everyone else in the room. But we shared openly about the challenges we face. Challenges of being in ministry and yet being so tired at the same time. The disappointments, struggles and desire to not wear the happy face.  

I think one of our greatest challenges rightnow is  breaking   through what we call "affluenza". We can't change the fact that our church is made up of affluent families and centered in an affluent community, but we feel called to break down that barrier and meet needs.

Let's be honest, sometimes I feel unaccepted in my own church because we don't live in a big house on the "right" side of town. I'm not able to be a traditional stay at home mom and we don't drive nice cars or wear the clothes you wear. We are simply doing the best we can to get by. We struggle to pay bills and make ends meet. We are bargain hunters and cut coupons. We rent a townhouse and love when friends bless us with hand me downs. 

Let me be honest...We are so blessed! That town house we rent is our home. It's where our daughter learned to walk. We don't have a lot but we have more than others. Before we put  Addyson   to bed at night we pray as a family and talk about the day. Those are the things that make me feel like the richest woman in the world. We have an amazing group of friends who support us and send us encouraging "perfect timing" text messages or calls or cards. We are able to serve teens who go into our pantry and fridge and literally help themselves to whatever they find. They even ask what brand is this?...when they hold  food from Aldi :) 

So to be perfectly honest I have the same dreams as you even though I don't look like you or live like you. 

Lately my heart has been so broken for others. I have had the opportunity since January to get to know a man who sells The Contributer, a newspaper written and sold by former or current people who are homeless. His smile and cheerfulness would greet me each Monday, Wednesday and Friday as I would stop and get a sweet tea from McDonald's before going to teach at Trevecca. I got worried this summer that something happened to him since he wasn't at his usual spot. Knowing he had suffered through pneumonia this spring I feared the worst, that he had died. A couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning we saw him and stopped to catch up. He shared joyfully how blessed he is and had a construction job that allowed him to work and as a result wasn't having to sell the paper as much. He was so honest and appreciative for the job he had but also for the opportunity to work.

I felt like a proud mama in a weird way because I knew a tiny bit of his struggles from our weekly chats and coffee/Contributer exchange. 

I guess to be honest I'm tired of church and Christians not being Christ. I want to be part of a people who love God and love others more than anything else.  

I want to live out James 4:7-10 "so let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."

Just want to be honest. The fun and games are over, I want to get serious about serving and living for Him.

The Dangers of "just"

I hear it all the time. I'm just... (fill in the blank). I'm just a teenager. I'm just a stay at home mom. I'm just a wife. I'm just a lay person. I'm just an associate. I'm just retired. I'm just a working mom. I'm just the teacher. I'm just a... The list could go on and on...

 Not to long ago I was talking to a friend who was feeling pretty low. As we spoke she shared that she feels inadequate at times. She looked me in the eye and said "I'm just a stay at home mom." My heart sank as I tried to share how envious I was of the role she has as a stay at home mom, since my heart ached for a baby. I forgot about the conversation untill recently. 

 This post isn't about wanting what others have or working vs stay at home moms. It's about the dangerous word we so often use in our everyday conversations. The little word: just. We use it without even thinking about it. 

Listen up friends...You are not just anything.  As you have read my blog you have seen a glimpse into the darkness of OCD and how the Lord has brought me into the light. Lately i havent been able to get these words out my of my head. "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (1peter  2:9)  

That promise shows me we are not just anything! God has chosen you. He has chosen me and loves me and has a purpose for my life. I especially like the way The Message says it "But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted."

I'm so grateful that God has made a "night-and-day" difference in my life and I can no longer be just anything. 

I'm living fully present in the moment today!

Dear 18 Year Old Me

Dear 18 Year Old Me,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you. So many things you need to know, things I wish you realized. 

18 year old Me, you have no idea what the world holds for you and all that is ahead. The worries you have pale in comparison to what the Lord has planned for your life.

That boy you like, the one who you think is so good for you, he is nothing compared to the man God has planned for you to marry. Be patient even when you have dates in your dorm with Ben and Jerry (ice cream). Your husband is funny, smart, and has a heart for ministry that matches your hearts desire so well. He is worth the wait.

That dream wedding is nothing to the actual wedding you will have. All the primping you do now for boys won't really matter to the man who will one day find you to be the most beautiful woman alive, even in a t shirt jeans and no makeup. Your future husband, he loves you for who you are, not for what you look like. I wish you knew that...it would save your heart from disappointment because the boys you like now are not worth the trouble.

Dear 18 year old me, the loneliness you feel at times, well I can't say it will end, but you will learn how to face it. You won't spend hours in the gym, trying to make your body look good enough. It won't be fixed with surrounding yourself with people and even changing who you are to fit in. You see the loneliness you feel will only be fixed with having a longing for The Lord and seeking Him daily. It just can't be fixed with people, food, shopping, guys or anything but The Lord.

That homecoming queen that you are so jealous of, she will become one of your best friends. She will pray for you, accept you, encourage you and your kids will be best buddies. Stop judging people who are prettier than you. You are beautiful in your own way.

18 year old me, cherish the days of late night pizza runs, girl talks in the dorm room, attending a christian university and eating in the cafe with friends. There will be a day that you sit with your toddler and eat lunch while you wait for the babysitter to come so you can go to work. Life isn't better or worse now, it's just different. Enjoy this carefree time in your life.

Cherish the time with your family, there will be a day when seeing them will be quick. But don't worry technology will evolve and you will FaceTime them.

18 year old me, always do your best, be honest, love the unloveable, never give up, pray without ceasing, trust the one who created you and serve Him.

Most of all live fully present in the moment.  

Love,

Ashley