Things I Never Thought I'd Hear Myself Say

First, I have to begin by saying a big "Thank You" for all the support for coming out of the OCD closet and debuting my blog. I am overwhelmed with the comments, messages and emails I have received. I hope that future posts don't disappoint and that I can continue to be authentic with my journey.

It's hard to know where to go from here when it comes to blogging...do I focus fully on my OCD? Motherhood? Being a Pastor's Wife? I'm going with all of the above.

A glimpse into my morning would show you that I am human, not perfect and out of control. This is a good thing and something I have had to learn to embrace because when I am out of control, God is fully in control. This is a comfort.

I spent the morning on the couch because I am fighting a sinus infection. Any time I am sick my OCD usually rears its ugly head and I am tempted to allow my mind to vacation in a not so good place, giving in to the compulsions. Yet, this morning I was different.

 After feeding Addyson breakfast we sat and watched a few episodes of Curious George, got a bath and folded laundry. It was during this time that I heard myself say some things I never thought I'd say. *All of which I said this morning before noon.

• "We don't wipe boogies on the couch."
• "Take the banana out of your hair."
• "Stop drinking the bath water"
• "If you sit on the drain it will hurt your buns."
• "Screaming like that is unacceptable" (Note to self: Okay, if Addyson knew what "unacceptable" meant she would also know that screaming to the top of her lungs when mama has a sinus headache isn't a good idea.)
• "Those are mamas special things" As she pulls out all my tampons and throws them. There ain't nothing "special" about that!

I am hoping to devote a post in the future sharing the story of our daughter Addyson and the pain of infertility. However I don't have the strength emotionally to re-live those feelings today. Short story is that I was told I would never get pregnant and Addyson will be two in August. There is no medical explanation for me getting pregnant and having Addyson, but that's okay...knowing she is a miracle is way better than a medical explanation.

God reminded me this morning of two things as I laughed at myself and the things I heard myself say:
1.) His miracles don't always come with instructions.
2.) Weakness on my part reveals a need for more dependence on Him.

I am so thankful for the way God reminds me of His truth. There is still so much I want to learn about Him and so much I need to learn. Today hearing Addyson say "Thank you Mama" after I ge her lunch I stopped in my tracks. Hearing those words was the reminder I needed to be fully present in the moment. So whatever you face today don't be afraid to laugh at yourself, admit your weaknesses and then choose to live fully present in the moment.

My Name is Ashley, and I have OCD

So here goes nothing...

After the encouragement from family and close friends today is the day that my blog will make its official debut to the public. With this of course comes doubt, fear and anxiety. Today I face one of my enemies...the enemy I live with daily, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

While driving in the car one day last week my husband encouraged me to share my blog on facebook, after I read him 10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was At Junior High Camp. We had a good laugh and in that deep southern accent he said "seriously Ashley you could help a lot of people." Of course the Social Worker inside me was all about helping people, but the reality of people knowing my deepest secret overwhelmed me.


Over the past month the Lord has opened the flood gates for me to write. On a whim I submitted some of my writing to a few different publishers and over night my email was flooded with inquiries. Some of them were the standard "send us your work and we will see" responses. But one publisher contacted me with an invitation to submit articles for a magazine. It was overwhelming and exciting at the same time. To have the opportunity to encourage other women in the journey of ministry and to speak hope to their hearts???? I could actually have that opportunity?!


It's one thing for my closest friends to know about my journey with anxiety and OCD, but to put it out there for all to see and know?! I started this blog as a healthy way to express my frustrations with OCD and how I am experiencing God's freedom to get Out of the Darkness and learning to live in the light.  Yet even as I type this I am feeling the fear of what it would even mean to be that honest with the world. How will people react? Will anyone besides my mom even read my blog? Could it really help someone? Will people look at me differently to know that I have OCD? I guess only time (and this blog) will tell.

As I begin this new step in my journey I am encouraged that my measly words and an honest heart could do something to better other peoples lives. I pray that this is true. Above all, I hope this will help someone else to know they are not alone, to seek wise counsel, to speak out about weakness and to be okay with being who God created. This morning I came across this verse and it really is what helped me make the decision to go public with my blog and my prayer today.

Proverbs 3:5

The Message (MSG)

^5-9 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.

Let the next step in the journey begin! Today I am living fully present in the moment!

Silence

Sitting in silence this morning my spirit became renewed. My thoughts overwhelmed me to the point I moved from sitting to laying down. I had to listen. Listen past the hum of my bedroom fan, the rumble of my hungry stomach, the noise of the air conditioner, the rhythm of my beating heart and the shouting thoughts in my mind. All of the noise tries to distract me from hearing His quiet voice. I so desperately want to hear Him over the chaos of my world.

So I became still. Still before my Lord. I clicked out of facebook, put away my phone and just listened. I'm not even sure of what I was listening for, but I heard it. It was silence. I needed the silence to wash over me like a wave in the ocean.

              To refocus my thoughts.
                       To renew my heart.
                               To guide my day.
                                     To restore my hope.
                                    
I guess the constant demands of motherhood, work, life and my obsessive and compulsive thoughts rarely cause me to be still. I mean to really be still and silent is something that has become foreign to me. Yet, I was drawn to the silence this morning. It was as if an old friend came into the room, sat down to catch up and talk about the good ol' days. I admit I talk to God a lot more than I listen. So I sat in silence and then it happened. Peace. God's peace washed over me reminding me to be fully present in the moment today.

Invisible People

Have you ever looked around to see the invisible people around you? They are in our churches, restaurants, grocery store, shopping in Target, maybe even in your own home. Sometimes they fade into the background of life. They may be quiet, not drawing attention to themselves or maybe they are the center of attention but not really seen. Tonight for the first time I really looked at my surroundings and saw the invisible people. I saw people that don't fit with the "in" crowd, maybe they don't dress in the latest style or have the nicest clothes, car or maybe they don't even have the nicest personality. But our world is full of invisible people. They are hurting, hiding and hoping that someone would acknowledge them. And I'll be the first to admit I'm guilty....

Guilty of ignoring them, avoiding them, gossiping about them and yes, even laughing at them. The sad thing is that sometimes I'm the invisible person. Yup, sometimes I feel like an invisible person even if surrounded by a crowd of people. You see one of the down sides of my current place of ministry, is that my husband and I have found ourselves smack dab in a church and community of affluence. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb... we are the opposite of affluent. We struggle to pay bills, I reluctantly work to help make ends meet, we have tons of school loan debt and we live in the smallest house amongst our circle of friends. We seem to have the worst luck with cars which adds to a mound of stress. Yet we are so blessed. We are grateful for what we have and love to give to others even if it means we won't have that little extra. It is so hard to be in an affluent community and not be affluent. I want to fit in just like everybody else and I sometimes fall prey to comparisons, greed and ungratefulness. I feel like at times, yes, even at church I am the invisible person. I'm not afraid to admit it but sometimes I want to be invisible, avoiding people to hide the pain I feel or maybe just afraid that if people see the real me they will see all the crazy parts and run in the opposite direction.

This is when OCD starts to rear it's ugly head. The chaos of my mind and thoughts of germs, illness, getting sick, and a need to be clean and germ free haunt me like a scary movie. This is when the counting begins. Counting steps, counting letters, words, signs; anything to avoid the fear. Trying to put my best face forward or keeping the happy face, I'm metaphorically forced into the dark. This darkness begins with counting. The counting leads to cleaning, which leads to organizing, which leads quickly to labeling which leads to more cleaning, which leads to obsessing more. The OCD roller coaster continues till I crash. Sometimes literally, my body crashes and I get sick or just sleep. Other times my loving husband stops the ride and reassures me of the truth.

Seeking the truth and experiencing freedom in Christ has been and will always be a process and a choice. In seeking Him, I am choosing to see beyond myself and to see the invisible people.

 It broke my heart tonight as I enjoyed fellowship with my church family at a mini golf outing to see for the first time an invisible person. She sat on the outskirt of "the group". A group of young, hip and appearing to be happy women; none of which acknowledged her. I was shocked to observe this and convicted.

Tonight I am deciding to no longer ignore the invisible people around me. I want to acknowledge them, encourage them and really see them! I want to speak hope into their lives. I am choosing to be so fully present in the moment that I see the invisible people around me.

Mommy Warriors

This morning I enjoyed breakfast with friends. Friends who are privy to the knowledge of my crazy OCD ways. Friends who like me anyways. Friends who are want to know God more and be more like Him. Friends who encourage and support me. But today I saw these friends in a different way. Today I saw Mommy Warriors.
Mommy Warrior #1, the newest to "team mommy", shares the victory of a straight six hours of sleep, conquering breastfeeding and fitting into her pre pregnancy clothes. Mommy Warrior #2, shares challenges with a pediatrician and her newest furniture makeover project. They are Mommy Warriors.

Mommy Warrior #1 struggled for two years with infertility but recently gave birth to a son. I remember sitting across from her a year ago in my dining room as we cried together and I shared my story with her. A story of infertility, fear and exposed my OCD to her for the first time. Mommy Warrior #1 exemplifies gratitude and courage. Mommy Warrior #2 recently adopted a precious boy from Africa after a long two years of navigating the adoption process and waiting. Mommy Warrior #2 exemplifies patience and strength.

Yet as the three of us sat in Panera we joked about the extra pounds from baby weight, swapped child-rearing tips and shared our struggles. The authenticity was like water refreshing my dehydrated soul. This is the place that I find refreshing. It's not about eating breakfast or girl talk, but about the camaraderie we share as Mommy Warriors. There is honesty in our weaknesses and the strength we find in encouraging each other. I see such beauty in these Mommy Warriors because I know they are in this thing called motherhood with me. They know that they can't do it without Him. They seek Him. They are supporting me, praying for me, listening to my paranoid antics, laughing with me, encouraging me to be better and showing me that authenticity is beautiful. I definitely don't have it all figured out but I am comforted to be joined on the frontline of motherhood with my fellow Mommy Warriors. Choosing to be fully present in the moment.

Coming Soon...

• How to survive a women's retreat
• Being secure with yourself and the size 0 youth intern
• Wherever you go there is always a Brittany
• Don't let your mind go to a sad place.

Finding God in my Mashed Potatoes

Tonight I experienced God in an unexpected place, my mashed potatoes. Sitting in Nana's Restaurant, a local diner, enjoying pot roast, green beans and mashed potatoes I experienced the healing presence of a loving God. As I partook of the delicious goodness of Nana's mashed potatoes, I was reminded of the promise from Isaiah 42:16

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them."

I don't know about you but I have a lot of rough places in my life, places I hide from others and avoid facing. I have experienced many unfamiliar paths. One year ago today my husband and I pulled into Nashville with a moving truck and an unfamiliar path ahead. We accepted a call to minister in Nashville leaving behind the beautiful paradise community we called "home" in Florida. Knowing the Lord was leading us to Nashville and following His call was the easy part. Trusting Him through the rough places and waiting is always the challenge.

Making mashed potatoes is a process, and I don't mean the fake instant box of mashed potatoes. First the potatoes have to be washed, peeled, sliced, and boiled. Then comes mashing, the process of removing all the lumps. As a result of the mashing, creamy potato goodness is a delight to the palate.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being mashed through a Kitchenade mixer. Life disappoints, people fail, cars die, health ebbs and beauty fades. But God's promise remains true. God promises to lead, guide, and smooth rough places but most of all He promises to never forsake us. This is a promise I cling to during the unfamiliar paths God is leading me through and I will never look at mashed potatoes the same way again. Living fully present in the moment.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was At Junior High Camp

Let me first preface this post with expressing my gratitude for all the hard working youth pastors who have sacrificed their time, energy and sleep to be with teenagers at summer camps. I happen to be married to an amazing youth pastor who graciously serves others and is following the call placed on his life to minister to youth. I have also spent summers in college working at camps and know what an amazing gift they are in shaping the lives of young people and their walk with the Lord. This is in no way meant to belittle the sacrifice that youth pastors make. Let me also say I love my daughter and would do anything for her. She is a miracle and I do not take a second I have with her for granted...but let's be honest all moms need a break.

My hubby has spent the last week at senior high camp and this week is currently at junior high camp. I know that he is tired and that junior highers are exhausting but I would gladly switch places.Why would I love to switch places with my youth pastor hubby and go to junior high camp?

10.) Sleeping through the night. Not being woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby gagging and throwing up. Yup, this happened this week...nothing like a sick baby to top off the youth pastor-wife-single-parenthood week I am having.
9.) No laundry. Not dealing with the 4 loads of puke sheets and towels which resulted from the mid sleep puke alarm also known as my precious daughter would be a nice change or routine.
8.) Paint wars. Hubby called me last night just as they were about to run around and chase each other through paint. This may seem like an unlikely jealousy, but the thought of making giant messes which I do not have to clean up thrills this OCD mama's soul.
7.) Free time. There is no such thing as free time for moms. Maybe mamas of teenagers (who's kids are at said camp) but in the lives of toddler mamas free time involves the 30 seconds it takes for my soon to be 2 year old daughter to notice I have left the room and I'm in the bathroom and then barges in saying "mama" "potty", while she proceeds to disrobe and attempt to sit on her potty chair.
6.) Swimming. Now this I know involves hormone crazed teenagers...but swimming can be enjoyed when it doesn't involve my eyes and hands glued to my toddler. The precious and very curious toddler whom hasn't had swimming lessons yet because the YMCA lessons were filled months in advanced. Oh and to be able to take a relaxing dip in a pool and lay out in the sun.
5.) Worship and Chapel services twice a day. I would give anything to be able to stop everything I'm doing and have an allotted time to worship and to hear the Word. I know that this can happen here at home, but to have the intentional time set aside and hear a speaker encouraging me in my walk with Christ twice a day for 5 days??? Yes please!
4.) No bad hair days. At camp there are no worries of bad hair. Everyone knows it's camp and the bad hair day ponytail or messy bun becomes a fashion icon and is expected. This however is not acceptable when you are the one at home keeping the home fires burning...you see the reason I'm home and not with my amazing hubby and a few hundred junior highers is because I have a "real" job, and by "real" job I mean one in addition to being a mom. One that I have to get dressed somewhat presentably for and actually do my hair.
3.) Curious George vs. cabin girl talk. My dream week spent at junior high camp wouldn't involve a little girl talk with some boy crazy campers, not watching Curious George continuously. As a result of my sick baby we spent many hours on the couch watching episode after episode of the curious little monkey. Now any other time I would not plant my child in front of the TV, but her sick patheticness called for extra cuddle time and anything that makes her feel better. It just so happens that the thing that makes her feel better involves the man with the yellow hat and a little monkey's antics.
2.) Appreciation. I'm sure there is nothing that could make this mama appreciate the toddler stage I find myself in better than a week with adolescent teenagers. But right now the thought of a toddler melt down is exhausting. So many times we think the grass is greener on the other side and until we cross the fence we don't realize that the grass on the other side is just as stinky, loud, obnoxious, and cranky. Well, I guess those could by synonymous for toddler hood and junior high.
And the # 1 reason I wish I could go to Junior High Camp instead of stay home is...
1.) Three meals a day none of which I have to plan, shop for, cook or clean up.

Even though I am exhausted, lonely, and a little jealous of the fun times my husband is having this week, I am grateful for the higher calling my husband has. I know that the time he is spending at camp and the tears I am crying at home are not wasted. I pray that lives are changed as a result of his service and time at camp. I am choosing to live fully present in the moment.

Starbucks to the rescue

As I type this on my iPhone I'm sitting in a parking lot in my car. Starbucks in the cup holder and a sick tired baby in the back seat sleeping. After the second allnighter awake with a sick baby in an attempt to not loose my mind I jumped in the car with addyson and went on a ride. Before even pulling out of our complex she was asleep and I began to wonder why didn't I do this at 2 am? It always seems that craziness doesn't happen singly in our family...it comes in multiples. This week my hubby has been at senior high camp and of course that's when areas hits at work, you come home from work to find your babysitter crying because she and her boyfriend roke up, dealing with insurance problems and to top it off baby gets sick. It's never just one thing...always multiple things that try to pull me out of the light and into a dark place. The dark place is accompanied by mommy guilt, self pity, anger, impatience, unmet expectations of others, frustration and disappointment. Surprisingly The Lord kept me from vacationing in the darkness this week. With my focus more on Him and praying without ceasingm my week was spent mostly in the light and choosing to be fully present in the moment.

Out of the Darkness

I have thought numerous times over the last couple of months that I need to sit down and blog. My need for a place to express my thoughts, worries, frustrations and fears have been so evident. The jumble of thoughts in my mind become so chaotic that they often get brushed away to avoid the reality of dealing with them. In 2006 I was officially diagnosed with OCD. Something that has surrounded me and followed me like a misquitto in the dead of summer. It actually wasn't until I had been diagnosed and started taking medication that I begain to experience freedom from the fears that have overwhelmed me the majority of my life. Through the help of family, counselor friends, medication, self discovery and the Lord freedom from the bondage, I moved out of the darnkess and into God's light. It's funny how a dark room feels. The darkness is scary because of the unknown that it is. For me living with OCD is like being in a dark room. My mind can't stop thinking of what awful things could happen in that dark place. The obsessive thoughts cause the complusive behviors to rear their ugly head and so the cycle begins.

One time in talking to my mom (the rock that has been my support through this journey of life) she said to me "Ashley a lot of people eat the same cereal for breakfast all the time, that's normal." I responded by saying "but those people don't think something bad will happen if they don't eat that cereal every morning...that's not normal."

In my attempt to find some balance and normalcy I am committed to blogging my thoughts, fears, worries, frustrations and hopes. Every day I have to choose to step out of the darnkess and live in the light. I choose to be fully present in the moment.