When Love Hurts

Sometimes love hurts. I'm not talking about the silly junior high, my life is over breakup or when your crush doesn't like you kind of hurt. I'm talking about how my heart feels when someone I love doesn't love or even see a need for God. I'm talking about the person who debates with you for the sake of debating or maybe for the sake of the argument. The heart break I'm  taking about is for the one that grew up in the "good christian home" but doesn't see a need for God. The one who turns from the truth they have heard their whole life. The heartbreak I struggle with is knowing there may be nothing I can do or say to "convince" them to embrace that truth, to embrace God.

Love hurts when the people you love the most don't love the One you love the most. Why can't the riches of Gods love be enough for them? What do they long for when the One who longs for them is ignored? What is more important than a relationship with their Creator? What happens when we have nothing in common? Will our relationship fade into nothingness? How do I teach my daughter to love others when sometimes loving others is painful? 

My mind and heart is full of these and many more questions. How do I love people who at times feel unloveable? How can I ask God to break my heart for the things and people who breaks His heart when my heart is, well broken in pieces? Can love alone mend a broken heart? Human love, love in my own strength can't. And yet we are called to love. Our calling as Christians is to love God and love others. That is a high calling. A calling that can not be accomplished in my own strength. 

Before I re-met (we originally met in college and got reconnected through Facebook) my amazing husband, I had a major crush on a guy. I liked this guy so much and yet nothing I did or said managed to get his full attention. I desired so much to be married and settled down that I probably would have done just about anything to get this guy to give me the time of day. I was convinced that one date with him was all it would take for us to fall in love and ride off into the sunset. Ha ha ha... boy was I wrong. I tried to get this guy to like me and it never worked. Feelings of inadequacy and lies of not being pretty or skinny enough for him flodded my mind and heart after our first date never really resulted in another. It's funny how things don't work out so that other things can work out. 

My husband is the best fit for me. Not only do I know he loves me unconditionally, I know that our hearts desire is to serve The Lord and serve others together. This is such a gift. Not only does he make me laugh but my hubby and I balance each other out. His weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. Early on in our relationship, I realized I didn't have to try to get his attention or make him like me. He pursued me. God cultivated our relationship. We pursue each other and both strive to serve each other through loving and respecting each other. I can't imagine loving and serving him and not having my hubby love me in return.

 It hurts me when people we care about and love don't desire God in their life. I can't imagine how God feels when His children don't love Him and how much His heart breaks for them. The pain I feel pales in comparison to that kind of heart breaking love. Yet God pursues each of us and longs for a relationship with us, his children. 

How do I continue to love those who don't love the most important thing in my life? How do I love someone who doesn't believe in God? All I know to do is pray. To pray harder. To pray without ceasing.

I am thankful for the relentless pursuit God has for me. I want to relentlessly pursue Him. I want to love others even when it hurts. I want to love others even when they don't care. I don't want to give up on them. I won't give up on them.

Even when it hurts I will love. I will continue to pursue them, to embrace them, to pray for them. I guess I'm still learning what exactly that kind of love looks likes.

All I know is that sometimes being fully present in the moment hurts.

Home is...

Growing up when people would ask "where are you from?" I never knew how to answer. Even to this day the question stumps me. Similar to military brats, pastors kids don't necessarily have a place to call home. As a kid, and even into college I would often grow frustrated when people would ask where I'm from. The easy answer was always "umm I'm from all over". 

I have learned to embrace the uniqueness of growing up as a pastors kid and the advantages it has. Of course I haven't always been able to recognize them as advantages. Honestly, I'm still in search for the advantages...but that's another post for another day.

You gotta love the cheesy saying "home is where the heart is." What does that even mean??? In recent days I have realized the importance of "home" and tonight, surrounded by family I know where my home is. It's funny that my parents have lived in Michigan the longest they have ever lived anywhere...of course they moved here while I was in college. Thirteen years have gone by and this is the place that most feels like home. Maybe because I moved here for graduate school and stayed here to work. Maybe because it's where I had my first 2 apartments and the addresses that I chose. Maybe because it's where we took our teens this past summer for a mission trip. I guess the obvious answer is because it's where my parents live, but I really think this is the place I would most call home because...

Home is...where I feel safe. 

Home is... Where you laugh so hard you cry and forget what you were even laughing about.

Home is...curled up on the couch under the blanket your mom made for you.

Home is...the jammies your hubby gives you on Christmas Eve because he knows "it's tradition".

Home is...traditions that are carried from generation to generation.

Home is...family huddled around food in the kitchen.

Home is...Christmas Eve service at West Flint Nazarene church. 

Home is...hugging friends you haven't seen for years and feeling like you just saw them yesterday.

Home is...wherever Addyson is.

Home is... Where people don't necessarily understand your quirks but love you anyways.

Home is...love.

Home is...telling funny stories with family.

Home is...holding my husbands hand.

Home is...where your little brother, who is not so little anymore, throws raw carrots across the room at you just to get a reaction from you.

Home is... Not being the first to let go of a hug.

Home is...where I am fully present in the moment.

When God is Silent

December 17th. Living with OCD I have always had an issue with numbers. Numbers and counting make the obsessive thoughts subside but fuel the compulsions. For example, I love even numbers but my favorite number is 5. I know it doesn't make sense. I'm always telling my hubby "don't try to figure it out just accept it". December 17 is one of those days/numbers that I hate.

The emotions that flood my mind and heart can't be ignored so I turn to the computer keys to process. In therapeutic fashion blogging is my release. When my alarm went of this morning, the image of standing in the parking garage clinging to my hubby, my rock, and feeling his body shake as the tears fell came flooding back. The worst had just been confirmed. Words like "impossible", "no explanation" , and "bad ovaries" echoed in my mind. Even though I had been told the year before I wouldn't be able to get pregnant I was in denial. It wasn't until December 17, 2010 that reality hit. The doctor didn't really understand why my body wouldn't be able to house a baby, but with fertility specialist appointment card in hand we left the hospital. We stood there cars parked all around us and cried holding each other. I don't remember the drive home or even the hours that followed. 

That night I was supposed to go to celebrate a friends birthday by going to a mandisa concert. Andy encouraged me to still go. I had no strength to even get out of bed much less celebrate a birthday with a concert. Before meeting up with friends, our church secretary met us in the parking lot and with tsunami like waves the news spilled out. Through sobs I shared the news and she held me. We cried together and then reapplied our makeup and went to join the festivities.

That night Johnny Diaz opened the concert and sang a song called "Waiting Room". The tears fell again and the words hit like an arrow to my broken heart. 

Here in this waiting room

Yearning for You to say go
And though I'm convinced that a yes would be best
This time You're telling me no

It's not that you don't have an answer
It's just not the one that I'd like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You're always wiser than I

I wish I could say those song lyrics restored my hope, by the days that followed were filled with anger, questioning and sadness. I tried to pray and seek The Lord but all was silent. Have you ever felt like God was silent? It was as if the mute button was pushed and I couldn't hear anything. Not only did I not understand how this could be part of God's plan but I couldn't find the words to pray. How could a loving God not give me the thing I longed for most?

 It was a silent struggle, one Andy and I didn't share with many people. We each handled it in our own way. I turned to journaling to try to process it and read a book called "Silent God" in hopes of understanding why he was being, well...silent. Some days all I could say was the name of Jesus and yet in those moments it was okay. 

The important thing was knowing that even though I felt like God was silent his silence didn't mean He wasn't there. I often pictured him right there next to me crying along side me and even visualized Him passing the tissue box my way. 

The rest of the story? Andy and I found ourself in the same parking garage with a sonogram picture in hand. We were scheduled to meet with a specialist, and as procedure went, we had an untra sound to see what the "bad ovaries" looked like and the tech said "you're pregnant". " Nope I'm the one who can't get pregnant and thats why we are here" I replied. She showed me the screen and my babies heartbeat. The moments that followed were filled with joy, questioning and disbelief. We met with our doctor as she brought other doctors and nurses in to look at my chart. We were told there is no medical explanation for why/how we got pregnant. We told them "it's ok...we know it is a miracle". 

Whatever you are facing today, December 17, I pray that you would know that God is with you. Today on December 17, 2013, I am sitting on the couch with my precious miracle baby with the sound of Arthur in the background. 

If you are going through a time when you feel like God is silent...He hasn't abandoned you. He loves you and is big enough to handle your doubts, questions and yes, even anger. He is with you!

Today I'm remembering this day 3 years ago and thankful for what it represents. Today I am living fully present in the moment!

The Gift of Time

This Christmas season I can't help but think of the greatest gift, Gods son being born as a baby and the excitment that it brought. Of course before I was married if an angel of The Lord came to me saying I would bear a son I would have been a little freaked out. When I think of the Christmas story I can't help but think of time. Maybe a little odd that is what comes to mind but bear with me....

Time is the greatest gift we can ever give. Thinking about the time it took for Mary and Joseph to travel in "bible time" overwhelms me. Not to mention traveling  on a donkey or by foot that far is something I wouldn't want to do, especially being mego preggo. And then the time the wise men and shepherds took to travel to see baby Jesus and the time they spent with him. 

Time is a valuable gift we give others. Growing up my parents always had "coffee time" after dinner. My brother and I weren't allowed to bother them unless there was blood or fire. It was that quality time they spent together that modeled for my brother and I the importance of relationship. Their example and the way they guarded that time for each other showed us that their relationship was important.

Time doesn't cost much but could be the most valuable gift we give the people we love. Andy and I meet for coffee and to go over our calendars together. It's like our own family staff meeting where we talk about upcoming youth events, brainstorm ideas and connect as a couple. We need to get in a regular habit of having date nights but life seems to always get in the way. I think the busyness of ministry and lack of babysitter funds are excuses that prevent us from spending kid free time together. We need to fix that in 2014! 

One of the things I am most grateful for are the mommy warriors The Lord has placed in my life this year. We try to get together every couple of weeks to connect and hold each other accountable. This is a gift I give myself. I still fight the mommy guilt but know that I am a better mommy because of the time I spend with these ladies. 

Every night before putting addyson to bed we spend time together as a family. We laugh and read stories. Some nights we read from Addyson's devotion bible or "Jesus Calling for kids". But every night we pray together. This is the thing I look forward to most each day. Because it doesn't matter what the day holds I know that at the end of the day I will spend time with my two favorite people.

I'm 13 days into my core challenge. I have absolutely loved not being on Facebook. I wouldn't say I love the physical part of the core challenge but I am able to hold a plank for 1 minute. The goal is at the end of the month to hold it for 5 minutes. Ouch!!! Detoxing from Facebook has forced me to spend more time engaged in reality and I feel so much better for it. I love moments of tea parties, coloring and reading books with Addyson. Not that I didn't do that before or can't do those things with Facebook in my life but I feel so much more present in the moment instead of being consumed with what others are doing, look like and have. 

So in the days that lead up to Christmas I would challenge you to make time for  people. Spend quality time with the people who mean the most to you and  make memories. For me it means focusing the attention on others and not my own fears. I want to be so fully preset in the moment that the OCD monster can't rear it's ugly head this Christmas. I want to give the people I love the gift of my time. I want to give myself the gift of being fully present in the moment with my family.

The Gift of Tradition

Growing up in a pastors family we rarely spent holidays with extended family. When I was younger I never realized how much I was missing out on because my parents always made holidays special. Traditions are a big part of why holidays are special to me. The thought of doing something each year that brings to mind memories of the previous years is so meaningful. 

My hubby jokes that I make a new tradition up each year and that if we do the same thing twice it automatically becomes a "tradition." That may or may not be true, but I can't help that I love traditions!

Traditions are the most valuable gift we can give our families and that is why I am so big on keeping them going and even making new ones. We may not be able to give Addyson the biggest and best things for Christmas but we can pass on gift of tradition. The memories she makes are ones she can pass on to her family in the future and the legacy of our family will carry on.

Little things like stockings on Christmas morning...are great but wouldn't be the same if they didn't have an orange in the bottom of them. My grandmother used to put an orange  in the foot of the Christmas stockings when my mom was a kid and mom passed it on to us. It's tradition!

Traditions can be silly things like the way I always make cheese sculptures to go with our Christmas Eve snacks each year. I mean nothing says Christmas like a nativity scene made out of Colby jack! 

One of my favorite things about Christmas are Christmas cards. I love looking at each one and displaying them. Six years ago I began saving the cards. Not in a horder way but as a reminder to pray for friends and family throughout the year. At the end of December I put all the Christmas cards on a ring and hang them in our kitchen. Everytime I see the card it reminds me to pray for the family that sent it. Throughout the year on Sunday nights I flip to the next card and pray for the next family throughout the week. It's a little tradtion that I love! So if you want to be prayed for send me a Christmas card!

Traditions evolve as families grow. When Andy and I got married we started new traditions like watching a Christmas movie as we decorate our tree. Our first Christmas as a married couple we were living in Florida and I really struggled to get into the Christmas spirit so one night we went to Starbucks for coffee and drove around town looking for Christmas lights. It is a tradition we do every year and one that I am most looking forward to now that Addyson is getting older. 

There are many more traditions I could share but don't have to time. I know not everyone has traditions and realize the holidays may not bring happy memories to mind. Some have experienced loss this year and the holidays are a reminder of what is missing in their lives. For you my hurting friend, traditions can be what keeps your fondest memories alive. Some may be from broken families and holidays just mean splitting time between people you love. Take the best memories or traditions and re create them this year. For others this year is different from any other year as for you I would say start a new tradition this year! Whatever you face this Christmas I encourage you to embrace the gift of traditions and live fully present in the moment!

What are your favorite traditions?

30 Day Core Challenge

Day 1: today starts my 30 day plank challenge. Instead of following the January resolution trend, I decided to start the month before working on building a stronger core. This month I'm not only working to build a stronger physical core but also want and need to build a stronger spiritual core. For me this means eliminating things that don't honor God. For me one of these things is Facebook. I have grown to have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love seeing pictures of friends and family and I love sharing pics as well but I hate the feelings I have after spending time on Facebook. For me it's not only a thing that at times makes me feel bad about my self but it is something that is stealing my attention from the things that are important in my life, Addyson and Andy. So today begins my Facebook fast. 

Day 7: so far so good...this week I was faced with some major anxiety challenges but facing them head on.  Completed all my core challenge days so far and spent time with my God. It's no wonder that I'm facing an increase in OCD triggers...satan knows I'm getting serious about building a stronger physical and spiritual core. I'm working harder. I'm so thankful for a God and friends who stick by me! 

When I was in grad school one of my professors taught us about anxiety by beginning class with a mouse trap for each student. He then showed us how to disengage the mouse trap without it pinching our fingers. We all had to try to unset it without getting pinched. It was the best visual explanation for what anxiety feels like. We knew how to disengage the trap but were all afraid to actually do it. That is anxiety! In moments of anxiety I know what to do to stop it but I  let fear override my knowledge. Kind of funny how even with all my social work knowledge I can help everyone else withtheir  "stuff" but struggle with snapping out of my own issues. I am comforted by knowing it is a process. 

I feel good about the way the Facebook detox is shaping my journey. To be honest, I think my smart phone has become a chain that has me in captivity to so many things that distract me. So each moment this week that I want to get on Facebook I have gone to my bible app. Psalm 94 has been a source of strength for me this week. "When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. "(Psalm 94:18, 19 NIV)

Living fully present in the moment.

I'm Feeling Full of Thanks!!!

The kitchen is clean and all the leftovers are cooling. Addyson is napping and  the family are claiming their spots on the couch. My stomach and heart are full! Today is the day we set aside for giving thanks, spending time with friends and family... O yeah...and over eating. 

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and over the years has become more and more special. I remember the first thanksgiving after coming out of the dark.    I remember sitting down with my dad at the end of the holiday weekend and asked him "wasn't this the best thanksgiving we have ever had?" He turned and smiled at me and responded "Ashley, every thanksgiving is just like this one, this is just the first time you have been able to relax and enjoy it."

That was a turning point for me as I was resistant to taking meds for the OCD giant.  It wasn't till that moment that I realized how much I loved life and the meds helped me live a full life.

Each Thanksgiving is special because we are forced to pause, reflect and think about the blessings we have. Before I drift off into a turkey coma I want to reflect about the things I am thankful for. I didn't do the Facebook thing and post daily the things I am thankful for, but I have thought all month long about them. I am full of thanks for:

1. God's presence in my life.

2. My husband.  Not only does he love me, he makes me laugh and takes out the trash.

3. My precious miracle baby Addyson. She brings a joy to my life that I can't explain in words.

4. Parents who taught by example to love God and others.

5. My brother Brandon. He is my best friend even though we are complete opposites. 

6. The Barnette family. I am so thankful for how they have welcomed me to their family and love them like my own!

7. My job and the insurance it provides for our family.

8. Two working cars.

9. Our house. Even though it is little it is comfy, warm and cozy.

10. The Word. It is my life book!

11. Gods provision in the past, present and future.

12. Chapstick

13. Hearing addyson laugh and giggle when her daddy tickles her at bedtime even though it drives me crazy I secretly love it.

14. Netflix

15. Trevecca Nazarene University and the influence it has had on my life. Meeting Andy there and now teaching there are dreams come true!

16. My snoring husband beside me on the couch. Even though his snoring drives me absolutely crazy I am thankful for couch nights with him.

17. Friends who have encouraged and supported me this year.

18. Starbucks Carmel brûlée lattes

19. The college girls who watch Addyson for me while I work or when Andy and I have a date night. They make me a better mom knowing addyson is loved and taken care of.

20. I am so thankful for this blog, the people who read it and the way it has not only helped me but how it is helping others on their journey.

21. My bedroom, it is my safe place. My bed and blankets make me happy and relaxed.

22. Crockpot liners. Thank you to whoever invented them!

23. My health. I may be a germ freak but I'm so thankful for my health and the medical people in the world who can make me better if I get sick.

24. Sweet tea

25. Reading books. The real thing. Being able to open a book, turn pages and smell the paper. 

26. FaceTime!  Living far away from family is the hardest thing...especially at the holidays  but having FaceTime makes it a little easier.

27. Naps

28. Sanibel Island 

29. My cousin Lindsay and our Black Friday shopping tradition. Even though it's been a couple years since we have gone together we still go and text each other the day of. The memory of screaming "Thank you Target workers" with her is unforgettable and brings a smile to my face.

30. Living fully present in the moment.

A Message to Moms

If you are a mom you know the feeling. The feeling of someone staring, glaring and silently judging. If you aren't a mom you may have been the one staring, glaring and silently judging. I can admit that pre-Addyson I would stare at the mom in the grocery store with the kicking and screaming tantrum child. I'm sure I even glared and judged the mom giving her kiddos a happy meal for dinner.

Hear me out, this isn't a post to make you feel guilty , cause all moms know mommy guilt is rampant enough in my own mind and don't need anyone to affirm or add to it. It's not about debating controversial parenting methods.

This is a shout out to all the good moms! I think it's time women, especially moms, stop judging each other and start to encourage one another. I had breakfast yesterday with a mommy friend and welaughed  about the pressure we feel to make a perfect lunch for our kiddos but agreed that sometimes it's just easier to go through Sonic. I sat across the table from one of the best moms I know of and felt a sense of commraderie. Not only did I get some ideas from her since she has the advantage of having been a mom longer, but I left encouraged that I'm not the only one who struggles with wanting to be seen as a good mom.

So if you go through the dive thru for dinner, it's ok...you're a good mom!

If your kid is wearing a swim diaper because you forgot to buy diapers...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you put head phones in at night to get a good nights sleep and let daddy get up during the night with baby...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you pack and send all organic lunches with your kid to school...it's okay...you're a good mom. If you don't...it's okay...your still a good mom!

If you have ever locked yourself in the bathroom while your newborn baby "cries it out"... It's okay...you're a good mom!

If you give in after hearing your baby cry for 39 minutes straight...it's okay... You're  a good mom!

If you give your toddler a cookie at chic-fil-a it's okay...you're a good mom.

If your kid has a temper tantrum in the middle of target and the married-with-no-kids lady stares you down the aisle...it's okay...your a good mom!

If you dump out your two year olds Halloween candy bag  and refil it with pretzels and gold fish...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you don't bathe your child every night...it's okay...your a good mom!

If you have unwashed dishes in the sink...it's okay...you're a good mom!

If you feed your daughter sonic grilled cheese sandwhiches because you know it's the only thing she will eat...it's okay...your a good mom!

If your child has an ear infection and you had no clue...it's okay...you're a good mom!

The truth is we all make mistakes, we are all trying to figure this mommy job out. Just when I think I've got this mommy thing figured out, a new stage comes and with it brings questions. For me I have found that the key is to surround myself with fellow mommies who can support and encourage me! I am also learning to be more confident of my mom ability because I'm the only mom Addyson has and I am her perfect mom. So please for the sake of all mommies, stop judging each other and encourage each other. Live fully present in the moment and remind yourself it's okay...your a good mom!

Tales From The Couch & other lessons learned from a sick baby

There is nothing worse than a sick baby. And nothing worse for this germ freak OCD mama than having my baby sick. This morning we made our way to the doctors office after two days home with a fever and hours of watching Mickey's Magical Christmas and Curious George it was time for some answers. 

Addyson takes after her mama and is a pitiful puny mess when she isn't feeling good. She usually isn't one for cuddles and snuggling on the couch so when she wants to sit on my lap and hold hands on the couch I usually know some kind of yucky germs are brewing. Even with my best attempts at keeping things germ free around me I can't help but hold and cuddle my Addy when she is sick. I truly believe The Lord helps me to care for her everyday but especially when she is sick. 

Most of my compulsions are triggered by obsessive thoughts. i mean no one likes getting sick but for me the idea of sickness is paralyzing. As with most people living with OCD I know my triggers and usually how to cope with them. So this week i faced my triggers head on and survived. The past two days all I could do was hold my little germ filled girl and cuddle on the couch. Lesson: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

In her pitiful state we made our way to the pediatrician who confirmed my suspicions ...an ear infection. The hardest part of this stage is that Addyson can't communicate what she is feeling or what hurts so of course I feel like I've reached epic fail mom status today by waiting all week to go to the doc. Lesson learned: listen to your mom-tuition. The Lord gives us an intuitive gift as moms and we should always go with that mom-tuition.

We leave the docs and I call my amazing hubby and we talk through how we are going to juggle work because as a youth pastor Wednesdays are his busiest days. Unfortunately I have to be at work to meet with the fire Marshall. (These are the days when living so far from family is hardest...what I wouldn't do to have her grandparents close enough to come over and cuddle my baby for a couple hours.) Lesson learned: don't work for a boss who doesn't understand and accept that I am a mom first. So grateful for a boss who not only gets my mom priorities but also understands life in ministry.

We go through the pharmacy drive thru to get meds filled and as Addyson is sleeping peacefully in the back seat i go to Starbucks drive thru to treat myself and kill time while we wait for the meds to be ready. I put in my order and pay and as I'm fighting back the mommy guilt I head back to pharmacy. I go to reach for my delicious Carmel brûlée latte and its not in the cup holder. What?!!!? Did i really just paid for my Starbucks and drove off without it? Of course with a sleeping sick baby in the backseat I circle back around to the now 5 car deep line to receive my paid for coffee. Lesson learned: always double check that you actually get the items you paid for in a drive thru, especially expensive Starbucks coffee. Lesson learned #2: sometimes the expensive coffee can be what helps you get thru.

With red cup in hand I head back to pharmacy only to be stumped with "what flavor do you want the meds" question. Huh??? I guess I didn't know there was such an option of flavoring meds and in hopes of avoiding the wrestle of getting Addyson to take the 10 day long prescriptions I pay the extra $2.99 for strawberry flavored amoxicillin.

So now we sit on the couch cuddled up, with Addyson grateful for Netflix and my latte. I look around and I realize my house is a mess and I usually wouldn't care but have house guests coming tonight and must get it house guest ready. And after the struggle to take the "yummy strawberry" medicine I'm pooped. A mom's job is never done, but I'm so grateful for my comfy couch, cuddly baby and Curious George. Lesson learned: things could be a lot worse...count your blessings.

  So today I will be living fully present in the moment watching Curious George with Addyson.

The Dreaded Question: "when are you having more kids?"

It is the elephant in the room at nearly any function where children are present. You ask it at church, in the hallways of Mother's Day Out, around restaurant tables, at the park, at Homecoming and at family get togethers. The dreaded "so when are you going to have another child"? A question that makes me cringe and feel flustered every time I hear it asked of parents. Usually the mom and dad look at each other and begin to delve into a long winded time table answer based on ages and stages of current children. Sometimes the answer is based on those pesky biological clocks. But my answer isn't what you'd expect.

I cringe at the question because I never know how to answer. Sometimes I want to scream "why does it matter, can't you see I have an amazing child right here?" Other times I want to crawl under the table and avoid all talk of pregnancy babies and more kids. Since neither of those options are socially acceptable I usually stand red faced and look at my hubby for help in answering the dreaded question. And let me tell you... people practically began asking it the moment she came out of the womb. 

Why do we as a society have this obsession with asking way too personal of questions? Do we like to see people look flustered and stutter for an answer?

Before I get all up on my soap box let me first say I'm guilty. I'm guilty of asking the dreaded question and guilty of being all too curious about people's personal lives. I think I have become way better at not asking stupid questions but even a couple weeks ago I asked a new friend if her and her husband were planning on having more children. As soon as the words left my mouth i cringed wanting to take them back because I didn't know my new friends story. I didn't know if she was able to get pregnant easy or if it was a struggle. I probably didn't know her well enough to ask such a personal question and feared i may have scared her off. I of all people should be more sensitive than that and should have known better. Thankfully her response was something to the effect of soon or in a couple years. Whheeeewww that was a relief!!!!

When people ask me "when are you having another one?" in reference to having more kids I usually answer "I probably won't." Ouch, that's probably not the right answer and not what people want to hear, but it's the truth. In no way do I mean for my answer to be a harsh one and it doesn't have anything to do with not liking children. Yes, there is a part of me who wants more, who wants to feel the feeling if a baby kicking in my belly and all the attention that comes with pregnancy, but in reality that isn't how it will go down. 

Long story short I was told I wouldn't be able to have children. I got the news at a routine doctors appointment and then didn't tell my husband about it. Can you say denial??? I just didn't want to believe it and ignored it until I started to have some "problems". Hubby and I went to the doctor and got the hard facts that I would not be able to have a baby. Worst day of my life. A month later got in to see fertility specialist and found out I was almost 3 months pregnant. Amazing day!!! There is no medical reason why I got pregnant and had Addyson. We know it is a miracle ad I thank God for my precious miracle baby every day.

So when some stranger on the playground asks when I'm having "another one" I cringe. Mostly because Im just so grateful for the one child I have, but also because I don't want to, and shouldn't have to, go into the whole  "I wasn't supposed to get preggo story" with a complete stranger. 

Yes, we could "try again" but I honestly don't want to. I don't want to face another day like the day my husband and I stood alone in the parking garage holding each other while we wept. All the dreams we had for a family crushed. So many unanswered questions and tears. No thank you, I never want  to experience those feelings again!

I'd like to enjoy the days I have with my rambunctious two year old who likes to watch Curious George and have tea parties. So please don't ask the dreaded question unless you are ready for an honest answer. Or even an answer of "I don't know". I believe that if I was to get pregnant again it would be a miracle, (all pregnancies are) but I don't want to test God, I don't want to ask "what ifs". 

Also, please don't judge us for having an only child. Our only child is an incredible child and I'm so excited to see what The Lord has planned for her life. 

I can now admit I was once one of the people who judged families with only children. It wasn't actually till I got to really know an only child teenager in one of our youth ministries, that I was able to appreciate all that families with only children get to experience. For us this is a cherished thing because from our fertility struggle and the  empty arms and longing for children many couples experience, we are choosing to appreciate the gift of having an only child. I am excited for the things that she will get to do that she may not be able to do if she had siblings. On a pastors and social workers salary we aren't exactly rolling in the dough. We choose to look at the advantages andopportunities our   Addyson gets to experience.

Okay, I have ranted long enough...I just had to get my thoughts out...

So...if you really want to know the answer feel free to ask the dreaded question but please don't feel sorry for me or my only child. We are choosing to be fully present in the moment!

The Dangers of "What Ifs"

The past couple of days my mind has been drowning in "what ifs". These questions have soaked up more of my thinking than I would like to admit and so I turn to writing. The only thing that has helped me empty my mind allowing for clarity seems to be blogging these days.

The "what if" questions are flooding my mind like a tsunami. This tidal wave thinking has caused me to doubt and is a danger to my soul. 

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans? 

"What if God did this....?" 

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?"

"What if we lost our jobs?"

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?"

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" 

"What if..."

They are the questions that have filled my mind but I haven't had the courage to vocalize. They are dangerous questions that even as I type cause me to be overwhelmed with doubt, embarrassment and fear. "What if" questions are dangerous to relationships, churches, and do not honor God.

How do I stop the "what if" thoughts? If I know they are not from The Lord and I am called to take every thought captive to the lordship of Christ but how do I pull myself out of the current and onto shore?  These dangerous questions take my focus off the one who already knows the answer. (I know insert cheesy Sunday School answer here). But the "what if" questions more importantly take my focus off the present, they prevent me from living fully present in the moment.

Maybe it isn't possible for me to stop this kind of thinking? Is it a lack of faith? I don't think so...I think it shows more faith to honestly address the "what ifs". That may not be the correct  Sunday School answer, but I don't care. The only way I am finding that I can make the "what if" tidal wave keep from taking me under is to cry out to God. To literally think and then say the names of God aloud.

Jehovah Jireh- my provider
Jehovah Nissi- you reign in victory
Jehovah Shalom- my prince of peace

Jehovah Rapha- my healer 
Jehovah Shammah- always with me
Jehovah Sabaoth- my strong deliverer

For me I need to address the "what if" questions head on.

"What if we had stayed in Florida?"     Jehovah shammah, my God is always with me.

 "What if we weren't in debt from school loans?  Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if God did this....?" Jehovah Sabaoth, He is my strong deliver.

"What if we hadn't gotten pregnant with Addyson...Would we still believe in God's blessings?" Jehovah Nissi, God reigns in victory... no matter what.

"What if we lost our jobs?" Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

"What if the benign pathology report hadn't been benign?" Jehovah Rapha, my healer.

"What if he never comes to surrender his life to Christ?" Jehovah Shalom, He is my prince of peace.

"What if..." Jehovah shammah, The Lord is always with me.

Do you need freedom from the "what if" tidal waves? Answering the "what if" questions with Biblical truth saves me from drowning. Calling on the names of God is helping me be fully preset in the moment today.

Mama Moments

There are times when I need what I call "Mama Moments". These are intentional times spent with like minded mamas. Mamas who understand the busyness of motherhood. Mama moments are also quiet moments alone. Sometimes these are the most important kind of moments for helping a toddler mamas remain grounded. 

Throughout the two years of my motherhood journey I have been blessed with some amazing mamas to help me along. In Florida I was blessed with an amazing mommy group and a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. I also had an amazing fellow ministry wife who was further along on the motherhood journey that really came beside me and still is one of the mamas I look up to and ask my crazy mom questions to. 

When we moved to Nashville, I immediately looked for a MOPS group and found that there wasn't one near where we lived. Before even making the move I prayed that The Lord would help me meet some mom friends knowing how vital they are on this journey. God really blessed me with a church full of moms. Many of which have been mothers for longer. I have found that being surrounded by other mothers is a blessing and a curse. More mothers means more mothering opinions. More mothering opinions means well...more opinions. This can be a good and bad thing.

 I have been blessed with some wonderful "Mommy Warriors." This morning we met around a small table in a local coffee shop and shared our hearts. There is something wonderful that happens in those mama moments. It is a blessing to have friends who know me and love me anyways. I am thankful for friends who know when you are putting on a happy face and even when they don’t have the words, they are there. Being fully present in the moment with you.

 I shared about my work frustrations and feeling a lack of satisfaction with my work. Being in an administrative position has been a switch in focus for me as I am used to being in direct contact with people. Working individually with children and parents has brought me such satisfaction in the past. Helping me feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day, but my current job lacks that. Today in the mama moments my fellow mommy warrior said exactly what I needed to hear. She said that my sense of satisfaction is that I am working to provide for my family. I have to admit, I would do anything to be able to stay home with my precious girl, but the Lord has provided a job for me with insurance and this is all the satisfaction I need. Knowing that I am able to provide something that we need. I guess it takes a Mommy Warrior to state the obvious...it's exactly what I needed today. 

 I know that I am a better mom because I take Mama Moments. Making the time to fellowship with friends is important but perhaps the most important mama moment I had was after I came home, took a nap (a rare thing for my usual busy Saturdays) and then spent time with my God. Praying and crying out to Him is what helps me more than any breakfast and coffee with my mommy friends ever could. I really believe that all moms need to have a mentor mom and have a mom that they mentor. 

The moms that God has placed in my life, those who are local and those who are well, not so local, are critical to the effectiveness of my mama-bility. They encourage me, challenge me, and pray for me. But more importantly all moms need to make and take time to spend in quiet moments alone with God. I think the world we live in, social media and even something as fun as pintrest shake my mommy skills and confidence. There are days when I feel totally inadequate and even days when I feel over confident in my mothering abilities. These are the times when I need Mama Moments the most, moments with fellow moms and moments alone. I'm still learning about this mothering thing. I guess I always will be learning since each age and stage brings new challenges. Above all I am choosing to be fully present in the mama moments.

Lessons I've learned from my 2 year old

Tonight as I drove home from work it hit me...I have been a mom for two years. I feel as if I have hit a motherhood milestone. Sometimes I think wow, I've only been a mom for two years, I have so much to learn. Other days like today I think, wow I have been a mom for two years, I have learned so much! 

Lessons I have learned from my two year old:

-In her eyes reading books together is more important than putting away folded laundry. So if you step foot in her room you will find a pile of books next to a pile of clean laundry.

-Bad mornings can be fixed by taking naps. We all new a do-over from time to time and some days I need the nap more than my two year old.

-To Addyson I am the most beautiful person in the world. Why can't I see myself like she sees me?

-There are moments when I want to stick my two year old in a time out, but what she really needs is my time. I am discovering that in those moments when I hold her and talk quietly in her ear, she settles down in a way that is more effective than any cool down or time out.

-Dancing can make everything better. 

-Boo boos happen and when they do sometimes all you need is to cry and then hear someone say "it's gonna be okay"

-It's okay to skip washing your hair in order to have more time with you kiddo before you have to go to work.

-Addyson doesn't care what kind of car we drive, how big our house is or how much money is in our bank account...she cares much more about tea parties and watching Curious George.

-Working outside the home doesn't make me a bad mom.

-Bath time is way less of a chore when I just plan to get soaked and have lots of towels handy.

-A rough lesson for this OCD mama is that even though the way daddy does things isn't always how I would do it, doesn't mean its better or worse than my way. And as long as Addyson is safe and happy, it's gonna be ok.

-Cleaning up puke is way easier when you are staying in a hotel and have housekeeping available at your finger tips.

-That cute little art project you saw on Pinterest had to have been done by a professional artist and not a mom and a toddler. Cause after our last art project I ended up with marker on my forehead and didn't know until I was getting ready to head out the door for work. We have since invested in washable markers!

-Its really not the end of the world if your toddler insists on wearing dress up clothes to the grocery store. Pick your battles, smile and use it as a teachable moment showing her you are proud of her no matter what strangers say or who stares.

-Avoid telling your toddler that Poppy and Gmama are coming to visit unless they are actually in the drive way and getting out of the  car.

-Do not underestimate the importance of other mommy friends. Make time to get together with them regularly with and without kids.

-Start and end everyday talking to The Lord. Share your struggles, cry out for help, pray for strength, guidance and wisdom. I have learned that when I let my worry rule my mind, I am not honoring The Lord. 

-One of the most important lessons I have learned in all of my two years of experience is that I may not be a perfect mom, but I am the perfect mom for Addyson.

Last I have learned to cherish this stage because I will never again have this day and this moment with my precious Addyson. Be fully present in the moment!

"I will call upon your name"

I keep hearing this song on the radio and I can't get it out of my head. Funny how God speaks to me through odd things like song lyrics or Addyson's laugh or a kid at work. 

This week The Lord has definitely gotten my attention trough the words of this song. And last night as my hubby and I drove to meet some teens at Buffalo Wild Wings we heard it again. The words are so powerful and seem to fit exactly where I'm at right now. 

"When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace" This week I have felt like the waves were sweeping me under. Thankfully today we leave for the D6 conference in Louisville, KY. I am so ready for this time away and to be renewed and encouraged, to learn about how to minister better to families and to be off work so I can spend time with my family. To spend some time resting in Him.

I'm ready to rest in His embrace...living fully present in the moment.

Below is the link to the song Oceans (where feet may fail). 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4JgH9uXHYkY&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4JgH9uXHYkY#

Warning: I'm about to get real honest!

Last night in our small group my hubby and I shared our story. It's funny how daunting the task is when you have the same "I grew up in a christian family" story as everyone else in the room. But we shared openly about the challenges we face. Challenges of being in ministry and yet being so tired at the same time. The disappointments, struggles and desire to not wear the happy face.  

I think one of our greatest challenges rightnow is  breaking   through what we call "affluenza". We can't change the fact that our church is made up of affluent families and centered in an affluent community, but we feel called to break down that barrier and meet needs.

Let's be honest, sometimes I feel unaccepted in my own church because we don't live in a big house on the "right" side of town. I'm not able to be a traditional stay at home mom and we don't drive nice cars or wear the clothes you wear. We are simply doing the best we can to get by. We struggle to pay bills and make ends meet. We are bargain hunters and cut coupons. We rent a townhouse and love when friends bless us with hand me downs. 

Let me be honest...We are so blessed! That town house we rent is our home. It's where our daughter learned to walk. We don't have a lot but we have more than others. Before we put  Addyson   to bed at night we pray as a family and talk about the day. Those are the things that make me feel like the richest woman in the world. We have an amazing group of friends who support us and send us encouraging "perfect timing" text messages or calls or cards. We are able to serve teens who go into our pantry and fridge and literally help themselves to whatever they find. They even ask what brand is this?...when they hold  food from Aldi :) 

So to be perfectly honest I have the same dreams as you even though I don't look like you or live like you. 

Lately my heart has been so broken for others. I have had the opportunity since January to get to know a man who sells The Contributer, a newspaper written and sold by former or current people who are homeless. His smile and cheerfulness would greet me each Monday, Wednesday and Friday as I would stop and get a sweet tea from McDonald's before going to teach at Trevecca. I got worried this summer that something happened to him since he wasn't at his usual spot. Knowing he had suffered through pneumonia this spring I feared the worst, that he had died. A couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning we saw him and stopped to catch up. He shared joyfully how blessed he is and had a construction job that allowed him to work and as a result wasn't having to sell the paper as much. He was so honest and appreciative for the job he had but also for the opportunity to work.

I felt like a proud mama in a weird way because I knew a tiny bit of his struggles from our weekly chats and coffee/Contributer exchange. 

I guess to be honest I'm tired of church and Christians not being Christ. I want to be part of a people who love God and love others more than anything else.  

I want to live out James 4:7-10 "so let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."

Just want to be honest. The fun and games are over, I want to get serious about serving and living for Him.

The Dangers of "just"

I hear it all the time. I'm just... (fill in the blank). I'm just a teenager. I'm just a stay at home mom. I'm just a wife. I'm just a lay person. I'm just an associate. I'm just retired. I'm just a working mom. I'm just the teacher. I'm just a... The list could go on and on...

 Not to long ago I was talking to a friend who was feeling pretty low. As we spoke she shared that she feels inadequate at times. She looked me in the eye and said "I'm just a stay at home mom." My heart sank as I tried to share how envious I was of the role she has as a stay at home mom, since my heart ached for a baby. I forgot about the conversation untill recently. 

 This post isn't about wanting what others have or working vs stay at home moms. It's about the dangerous word we so often use in our everyday conversations. The little word: just. We use it without even thinking about it. 

Listen up friends...You are not just anything.  As you have read my blog you have seen a glimpse into the darkness of OCD and how the Lord has brought me into the light. Lately i havent been able to get these words out my of my head. "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (1peter  2:9)  

That promise shows me we are not just anything! God has chosen you. He has chosen me and loves me and has a purpose for my life. I especially like the way The Message says it "But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you—from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted."

I'm so grateful that God has made a "night-and-day" difference in my life and I can no longer be just anything. 

I'm living fully present in the moment today!

Dear 18 Year Old Me

Dear 18 Year Old Me,

There are so many things I wish I could tell you. So many things you need to know, things I wish you realized. 

18 year old Me, you have no idea what the world holds for you and all that is ahead. The worries you have pale in comparison to what the Lord has planned for your life.

That boy you like, the one who you think is so good for you, he is nothing compared to the man God has planned for you to marry. Be patient even when you have dates in your dorm with Ben and Jerry (ice cream). Your husband is funny, smart, and has a heart for ministry that matches your hearts desire so well. He is worth the wait.

That dream wedding is nothing to the actual wedding you will have. All the primping you do now for boys won't really matter to the man who will one day find you to be the most beautiful woman alive, even in a t shirt jeans and no makeup. Your future husband, he loves you for who you are, not for what you look like. I wish you knew that...it would save your heart from disappointment because the boys you like now are not worth the trouble.

Dear 18 year old me, the loneliness you feel at times, well I can't say it will end, but you will learn how to face it. You won't spend hours in the gym, trying to make your body look good enough. It won't be fixed with surrounding yourself with people and even changing who you are to fit in. You see the loneliness you feel will only be fixed with having a longing for The Lord and seeking Him daily. It just can't be fixed with people, food, shopping, guys or anything but The Lord.

That homecoming queen that you are so jealous of, she will become one of your best friends. She will pray for you, accept you, encourage you and your kids will be best buddies. Stop judging people who are prettier than you. You are beautiful in your own way.

18 year old me, cherish the days of late night pizza runs, girl talks in the dorm room, attending a christian university and eating in the cafe with friends. There will be a day that you sit with your toddler and eat lunch while you wait for the babysitter to come so you can go to work. Life isn't better or worse now, it's just different. Enjoy this carefree time in your life.

Cherish the time with your family, there will be a day when seeing them will be quick. But don't worry technology will evolve and you will FaceTime them.

18 year old me, always do your best, be honest, love the unloveable, never give up, pray without ceasing, trust the one who created you and serve Him.

Most of all live fully present in the moment.  

Love,

Ashley

Sprinkles

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I was in the hospital waiting. Waiting for the birth of my miracle baby. Even though I was told I would not be able to get pregnant and have children, I lay there in waiting. Waiting is hard, but even harder whenyou are facing fears and the unknown, hard when you await something you have always wanted. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy. And two years ago tonight I was preparing to become a mommy. When I found out I was pregnant I was already close to my second trimester unbeknownst to me. The doctors had no medical explanation for my pregnancy. Immediatly I said I didn't need a medical explanation because I knew this baby was a miracle and a blessing from God. Two years ago tonight I lay in a hospital bed waiting to be induced, I lay there alone. Andy had to leave me at the hospital to go home and let out our dog and bring the hospital bag. He rushed home and I anxiously lay in the deivery room waiting. Facing one of my fears and doing so alone I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord. It was clear as could be that the Lord's presence washed over me and filled that room. Even in my lonliness, worry, and anxiety the Lord continued to bring scripture to my mind. Instead of my mind being filled with fears, what ifs, and obsessive thoughts, my mind was a place of peace, rest and scripture. "Be strong and take courage, for the Lord God is with you." "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Throughout the night, as I was induced, I drifted between sleep, feeling contractions that increased as the hours passed. Two years ago tonight I was selfish and didn't know what I was capable of. I doubted my own potential and on August 23, 2011 I gave birth to Addyson Rayne Barnette, and that's when life began. When I held my newborn baby I experienced joy for the first time ever. Joy knowing that the impossible was possible. Two years ago today I didn't know how my life would change. I didn't know that my heart would experience love like the love I instantly had for Addyson. Love that would cause me to wake up every two hours to feed my tiny baby. Love that grew from a love that began when I feel in love with Andy. Love that multiplies when I see Andy care for, tickle, and pray with Addyson each night. Two years ago tonight I was only known as Ashley. Now I'm known as Addyson's mom. That is an identity that I joyfully embrace...even when I feel the mommy guilt for leaving to go to work, struggle with patience in the midst of temper tantrums, long sleepless nights, and seeing Addyson take more and more steps towards independance. I am grateful for the struggle of getting pregnant. I am grateful for the pregnancy and childbirth experience (especially after the epidural). I am grateful for the struggle, because I cherish the gift of being Addyson's mama. Two years ago tonight I became Addyon's mom and life will never be the same again! Fully present in the moment!!!!

"I'm so OCD"

The phrase "I'm so OCD" is overused and misunderstood. We jokingly say things like "I'm so OCD" not  knowing what it really means to have OCD.

The International OCD Foundation has found that 1 in 100 adults have OCD, or between 2 to 3 million adults in the United States. This is roughly the same number of people living in the city of Houston, Texas. 

OCD is not something that is as common as people say...and although there are people who have OCD tendencies and like to organize...it's not something to joke about.

I recently talked to a friend whose daughter is on the front lines of battling OCD. We shared stories of similar struggles and prayed together. 

When I got of the phone I felt The Lord say "let me be your obsession". I honestly never thought about that before. Could I replace the fears, obsessive thought and compulsions with Him? I honestly don't know the answer. I have worked so hard to hide this part of me for so long and now that I have come out of the OCD closet, I am realizing how many other people struggle. People have emailed me and called and said I also struggle with anxiety, I feel like the invisible person, and so on. In many ways I feel The Lord is using my struggle to help others but at the same time I don't want this struggle. 

This is why I cringe inside when I hear people flippantly say "I'm so OCD" as if its a cool thing. There is nothing glamorous or cool about it. It is a real issue that people and families battle. 

This past year one of my dreams came try when I was asked to teach a social work class at Trevecca. One of the first things I told my students is the importance of seeing people first and their disability or diagnosis second. So instead of saying "the skizophrenic" or "the alcoholic" it's important to say the person with skizophrenia or the person who struggles with alcoholism. 

So on behalf of all the other people who struggle with OCD please don't joke about having OCD because you don't know who really has it and the very real struggles they are facing. 

Facing my OCD giants head on today by being fully present in the moment.

We Don't Know The Whole Story

I have had an amazing yet extremely tiring week. Spending the week with 13 teenagers is exhausting. I feel really old and think to myself how long will I be able to do these kind of youth trips? 

Even though I'm tired and can't wait to sleep in my own bed and get a manicure (I know first world problems) it has been so exciting to be with people who want to serve others. For me getting up each morning to cook breakfast has been refreshing, yet I'm ready to "sleep in" a little. 

One of the greatest take away lessons I have learned this week is that we don't know the whole story. So many times im guilty of judging others, making assumptions and  turning away. I have been convicted to stop turning away and I start getting to know people around me. Being Christ to them means taking time to get to know them and listening to their story. Everyone has a story to tell. We judge people and we don't know their story. We don't know what they are going through or have experienced. We don't know the whole story. 

The stories of Tyrone who was living in the abandon house we were boarding up and the neighbor lady who was watching out for him, feeding him and taking care of him. Pastor Chris share about Robert. Talking with Shantey and meeting her children. Realizing I had so much in common with her and helping her get connected with Little Lambs.

This week has caused me to really reflect on my own life. this week i have craved serving others and I feel like my family has been changed because of serving together this week. I don't even know what the means or what that will look like when we get home. 

I know that Andy has caught a glimpse o the Kingdom and we won't go back home to Nashville the same. I want my life, our marriage and our family to reflect more of Christ. For us that means getting to know our neighbors, serving our church, meeting the needs of the hurting and seeing the invisible people. God has renewed my heart and opened my eyes to the Kingdom. My family and I will be Kingdom living from now on.

I am excited to see what God will do when we get home. I can't wait to tell my mommy warriors. I need to get out of my own way so that I can see the Kingdom. 

Thankful to be fully present in this moment.

Quiet Moments

This week my husband and I have had the privilege of spending the week with some great teens. But let me tell ya...never say never. I said I would never marry a pastor and yet here I am on a mission trip with my pastor hubby and 16 teenagers! The job of a pastor is tough but for all of you who think the job of a youth pastor is all games and playing around on Facebook have clearly never been on a mission trip with teenagers. 

We are in the tenses of raising a toddler and sometimes I feel like being with teenagers is like being with a toddler. It amazes me that people think youth ministry is all fun and games. 

There are so many things fighting for the attention of our teenagers and between Facebook, Instagram and twitter not to mention the temptations of a media world saturated with images of violence, sex,  and pornography it is a battle. Yet I have seen teenagers this week who want more than that. They are seeking the Kingdom and love to serve. Now don't get me wrong I have also seen teenagers whining, annoying each other and pushing my limits of patience. But what sticks out the most is their heart for serving others. It is also the love and camaraderie they have for each other that reflects the Kingdom. I see God in them web I see them interact with my toddler Addyson. They get down on her level and pay attention to her. They laugh with her and play with her and love her! This blesses my heart so much. I know that they are showing her Christ's   example of love. 

My job this week has been to shop for and cook all he meals for the team. It has been a tough job yet a joy at the same time. I underestimated the amount of food teenagers eat...especially teen boys!   

But  my favorite time this week has been in the quiet moments before everyone wakes up and I'm cooking and setting out breakfast. It's as if I'm right there with Jesus and he is speaking to me in that kitchen. I pray for the day and the teens and the people they will encounter. In those quiet moments I pray for my husband and that The Lord will guide him as he has he responsibility to lead this group. I pray for chris, the youth pastor here that is bringing us a message very night. And I pray for tasks that I would reflect Christ.

 Sometimes I feel like I'm failing...like when I thought 5 lbs of meat would feed everyone the first night. Or when I lack patience. But each morning God brings me back it the kitchen and speaks to me. Challenges my heart in such a loving way that I want to reflect Him.

Today I am so thankful for the quiet mornings  I get to spend with Him fully present in the moment.

Girl Car vs. Man Van

I spent Monday driving from Nashville to Flint, Michigan for our C3 mission trip. Thankfully I was driving the girls and not riding in Man Van. I could only imagine the sounds and smells that van experienced. 

My car was a quiet car and most of my ride was spent in prayer. Praying for the three girls riding in the car. Two teens and a toddler. Kinda funny how much they had in common.

 The teen girls were content with listening to their iPhones and Addyson, the toddler was content with watching Curious George. Both the toddler and the teens got cranky, sleepy, and hungry.

 All three girls, although at very different stages of life, need me. As they rode in my car, I drove in silent prayer. Praying that this would be a life changing trip for them. Praying they would experience the love of God in a new way.   Praying for their future husbands. Praying that they would make good decisions. Praying that they would somehow see God through me. This is what really stopped me. Wow, it was as if I slammed on the brakes. I was stunned to think about how these girls look up to me. Even If they wouldn't admit it they are looking up to me. Does my life reflect a life of love? Do I reflect God? What kind of influence am i? What do the people that are around me see? 

When Addyson is a teen who will she look up to? Who will influence her? 

My prayer is that I can be fully present in the moment as I show love to these three girls this week.

Twas the night before the mission trip

'Twas the night before the mission trip, when all thro' the house
every creature was stirring, especially my spouse;
The bags were packed by the wife with care,
In hopes that our group would soon would be there;
The youth pastor was nestled all snug in the bed,
While visions of ministry danc'd in his head...
I can't believe that the mission trip we began planning in September begins tomorrow! It's hard to believe with all of the planning, preparation and praying will result in 16 people going to my home church tomorrow for a week of loving God and loving others.

My parents moved to Flint, Michigan while I was in college at Trevecca. One of the hardest things for me was coming "home" to a place I had never been. But tonight I am so excited to go back home.

After grad school I landed my dream job as a school social worker and began working at the Academy of Flint. The three years I worked there I experienced many emotions. There were days I came home from work and slept for hours because I was emotionally exhausted. I was threatened, had my hub caps stolen multiple times, sat with kids in the ER till their parents came, collected coats and shoes every winter, became the voice for children who were helpless, packed up backpacks of food so families could eat over the weekend and faced some of the biggest challenges in my career, yet would do it all again. Because I know that it made a difference to Datwan, Aniah, Marvin, Keyshaira, Michael, and other children at the Academy of Flint.

My life looks so much different from the days "Ms. Bowser" walked the halls of that school in Flint. Four years later I will return to the hurting community I once served. Tomorrow my husband and our daughter along with a group of teens will driveto Flint, to a community that needs to experience the hope and love of Christ.

I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve...I can hardly wait for morning! My heart is overjoyed that tomorrow begins my vacation...a vacation spent in ministry. My role will be to cook and prepare meals for our team. What better way to spend a week off of work than to serve others. I'm not sure what the week will hold...we have planned a week of ministry projects, but my prayer is that the Lord will interrupt our plans with His plan. I pray that I can get over myself; my worries, fear and selfishness and serve. I pray that I will be so fully present in the moment that my life reflects Him in everything I do this week.

I need God more than I need Krispy Kreme

I recently heard a song on the radio and it stopped me in my tracks. Not literally because I was driving and that would have been dangerous, but figuratively. I also happened to be craving the delicious goodness of Krispy Kreme donuts at the same time. Ironic how the Lord speaks to me huh?

There are so many times that I fall prey to the "gotta haves" and "I wants" yet I forget the only thing I really need. I desperately NEED the Lord. I need His strength to go to work and deal with drama. I need Him to help me in youth ministry, especially in the upcoming week as we will be on a Mission Trip. I need His strength as I am parenting a very independent toddler. I need Him to help me be a wife to Andy. I really need the Lord to help me resist turning to food for comfort. I most definitely need God to help me resist the darkness of OCD.

So the words of  this song have been my prayer as I try to live fully present in the moment.

10 Things Your Pastor's Wife Needs

1.) To hear you speak positively about her husband. When you talk about my husband in a negative way I hear it. I hear the comments and the "jokes" and I may even try to laugh it off, but it hurts me. It hurts me to hear people put my husband down. Because when you talk bad about him you are talking bad about me. We are a team and we both need to hear about the positive things happening in our ministry.
2.) Encouragement and Support. Not only do I need you to speak positively about my husband I also need encouragement. I need people to encourage my family and to support our ministry.
3.) No expectations. I put a lot of pressure on myself and it would help a whole lot if other people didn't heap the pressure on my already heavy load. I think that we inherently have this expectation of how a pastor's wife should look, talk, and act. But we are human and we need to feel accepted without expectations. One of the greatest gifts my husband gave me is permission to not have to be involved in every aspect of church. There are things I choose to do and areas I feel called to be involved in, but I appreciate that he doesn't expect me to do and be everything. It would help a lot if others could be that gracious.
4.) Unexpected Gift Cards. Now let me explain...I am not including this in the list because I want people to feel sorry for me or because I'm selfishly asking for something. God is and always has provided for my family. But I can't tell you how much of a blessing it is when people have given us gift cards. Especially at random times, not just during an announced "pastor's appreciation month". The random gift cards that people have given my family have come at the exact moment of our greatest need. Early in our current ministry and before I was able to start working there was a week that we had $37.00 and no groceries. Someone randomly gave us a publix gift card and I can't even begin to explain what an answer to prayer it was and a huge blessing. Recently, two friends gave me gift cards for my birthday, one for a manicure and one to Starbucks. What a huge blessing that was to have the resource to pamper myself.
5.) Prayer. Please pray for your Pastor and their family. Pray diligently and regularly for the Lord's protection, provision and wisdom as they minister to others.
6.) To hear you pray for her family. Not only do we need to know that you are praying for us we need to hear you pray. When I hear you pray for my husband, I know that you care. When I hear you pray for our ministry, I know that you are invested in us and what the Lord has called us to do.
7.) You to be involved. I don't care if you are at a mega church with a full staff or a small church with one Pastor. We need you to be involved. Yes, we may get paid to be there, but we sure could use an extra hand setting up chairs, cleaning up after events and helping in the church. When I see you beside my husband helping, I am encouraged.
8.) Friendship. It broke my heart when we had lunch with another pastor's family one time and they shared that people rarely ask them to lunch on Sundays. Don't underestimate the power of friendship. If you are in ministry look to other pastor's families for camaraderie and support. There are times when I call or text friends who are fellow pastor's wives for encouragement and support, they act as a lifeline to help remind me of my calling and that I'm not alone.
9.) Someone to listen. I may not share the ins and outs of ministry with you, but it would be nice to have someone listen. Ask me about my family, my job, or really anything and then listen. I have found in talking to other Pastor's wives that they are the usual sounding board for others. Yet they need someone to listen to them and give them a chance to talk.
10.) The benefit of the doubt. We are human and there are no super powers that come with the title of Pastor or Pastor's Wife. Please realize that we make mistakes, forget things and don't always have it all together. We are human and we need to be given the benefit of the doubt.

I am so grateful for the people in my life who support me and simply let me be me. I am new to this Pastor's Wife thing and although I grew up in a Pastor's family there are different challenges that I face as I support my husband. I want to be a good example to the people God has called us to serve but to be honest sometimes I'm tired and I would even admit there have been times in the past that I haven't wanted to go to church but didn't really have the option to just stay home. I am thankful for the Lord's healing touch in my life and showing me that I am called to love. Sometimes I think it is easier to love people outside of church, people who "don't know any better" than it is to love people who "should know better."

If you are a pastor's wife and need to know you are not alone please contact me. And if you attend a church and haven't encouraged someone on staff please don't hesitate to show your support. This might be the day they need it the most!

Above all seek the Lord and be fully present in His presence.